Clarity

A kind reader wrote to me today, after reading my post on balance and discipline, and I realized that some of my theological phrasing may have been unclear to some of my Protestant readers.  Please forgive me for any confusion!  I've updated the post, and hopefully it is all clear as mud now.  

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Balance Land: A Magical Place

"I'm trying to find more balance in my life."  I hear this phrase bandied about a lot these last few years, and yet it seems like very few people ever arrive at that magical land, Balance Land.  The place where our work and our personal lives flow harmoniously, and real life doesn't intrude to, you know, unbalance us.  I admit to the allure of the phrase: balance sounds so peaceful, so lovely, so attainable, just over that hill there.  If only I...  At the same time, I find the word to be rather blurry around the edges, the concept ephemeral and difficult to encompass.

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I'm finding the word discipline to be quite useful to me lately.  Discipline is a hearty word, with strong edges, and a useful definition that I can return to again and again.  Discipline, in short, means setting limits.  Positive and negative limits, but limits.  It means saying yes and no.  It means saying not now.  Mostly it means sticking to those limits, which can be hard in a culture that doesn't value limits.  Work harder, go faster, accumulate more things, see the world, read more, and on and on.  

Via

I'm starting small, because I tend to be that person who pushes harder, works longer, dives in headfirst and only comes up for air after touching bottom.  I think discipline helps to avoid extremes, which is good for everyone in my family, including me.  My first acts of discipline have been in the food arena, as I set some limits on what sorts of things I would and would not eat during the Great Fast.  There are, of course, specific prescriptions for this sort of thing, but given my limits, and the advice of my confessor, I can't follow the letter of the law without endangering my health.  But neither does that mean that I should not strive for food discipline in my life, just because I can't follow the specific fasting rules of the Church.  I won't go into the specifics of my food discipline here, because it is between me and my confessor and God, and I don't want anyone else to take my rule as advice without the guidance of a spiritual father or confessor, but I will say that I'm finding my current limits to be attainable, yet push me a little beyond my comfort zone.  A good discipline, so to say.

The other area that I'm experimenting with discipline is in my sewing and crafting.  I struggle with this a lot, as I like to dive into projects, and keep working until they are finished or I can't stay awake (sometimes I keep going even beyond that--it isn't healthy).  I get frustrated with interruptions, my children get frustrated with my inattention, and then I feel like I'm not getting time to pursue my blue flame.  For me, discipline in this area has been to set aside specific days and times when I work, and put up with a certain amount of interruption during that time, and then put everything away at the end of that time, no matter where I am in the project.  The last few weeks, I've been sewing on Monday and Thursday mornings, from about 8:30 until Birdie is ready for her lunch.  I do my cutting on Mondays, and if I have time, I sew, but otherwise, I set it aside until Thursday.  The discipline to set aside an unfinished project has been good for me, but difficult.  

I used to think that the purpose of routines like this were to free time for other things later, but now I think that the real purpose of routines is to train the mind and the body toward order.  I still spend too much time in front of a screen (in part because Ponchik wants to nap in my lap all afternoon), but I'm trying to be more efficient about my screen time and use the time when I really am trapped in a chair with Ponchik for hours to do computer work, and put the computer in standby the rest of the day.  The most well-ordered place I've ever been was in a monastery, and so I'm trying to remember the ways of the monastery when I want to fight against my discipline, against my self, against my sinful nature.  It is in this way that monasteries are so helpful and useful to lay people--monasteries demonstrate good order in a life oriented to God. (Edited: I realized after posting that the earlier version of this line might be confusing to my Protestant readers.  I hope the edit helps clarify matters)

This is a slow process, and I still rebel on some level at setting limits for myself, but the gift of this Lent for me is to see discipline as part of the spiritual struggle for good order and routine.   

Talking Tuesday: The Pointlessness of Unplugging

Yesterday, I ran across a fascinating article about the pointlessness of unplugging from technology.  It has become kind of de rigueur to unplug from the internet for a time, and then return, ostensibly refreshed by the retreat.  I've done it myself, but in order for it to be refreshing, I have to be in retreat from the rest of the world too, like say, at the monastery in the Shasta Mountains that we visit that is off the grid.  The author is right to note that most of us who take internet sabbaticals have no intention of permanently unplugging.  Our lives are too intertwined in the online these days.  Personally, I know that our lives in the city would be immeasurably harder without the delivery services of peapod.com and amazon.com for many household necessities.  On the other hand, I've also noticed that when I spend too much time on social networks, my well-being suffers and I need to walk away and do manual work for a while.  I think the reason why unplugging seems so tantalizing to many of us is this feeling that we are missing something real, something soulful by being online.  Perhaps the best we can say about the internet, as with most things, is moderation and balance.

via

"This is why it’s strange to think of these unplugging events as anything like detox: the goal isn’t really abstinence but a return to these technologies with a renewed appreciation of how to use them. Few who unplug really want to surrender their citizenship in the land of technology; they simply want to travel outside it on temporary visas. Those who truly leave the land of technology are rarely heard from again, partly because such a way of living is so incommensurable. The cloistered often surrender the ability to speak to those of us who rely so heavily on technology."

~The Pointlessness of Unplugging, Casey N. The New Yorker Magazine Online, March 19, 2014 

Odds and Ends, Vol. 7

I've amassed another list, so time for another Odds and Ends!  

I saw this video this morning, and it is so cute.  From Bump To Baby, watch it for the original song alone.

Some thoughts about teenage rebellion from a teenager who didn't rebel.  I found many things to consider as a parent, even though the teen years still seem far off for us, but I know they will be here before we know it, and we are building the foundation now.

By Haari and Deepti via

Paper Cut Light Boxes.

Thoughts on the post-modern condition.  I've been thinking about this theme for a long time now, and wrote two pieces on the topic last summer, but I still find myself circling around it.  What does it mean to have a home, feel at home, feel settled, have community?  How do we build it, how do we live to continue it?  I've been writing another post on the topic in my head for a few weeks now, as I read various things that seem to check various boxes in line with this theme, and I'm hoping to write it up soon.

The death of God in post-modern society and what that means for everyone.  Another thoughtful piece from Rod Dreher.

How medium size towns can be just as interesting as cities.  I think one thing my husband and I never really seem to settle for ourselves is the question of the best place to be, to effect community, to raise our family.  My takeaway from this article is that no place is perfect, and, if you have a choice, you choose the place that has the problems you can live with.

A fascinating video depicting 500 years of female portraiture.  It is interesting to see how artists' view of women has changed during that time.

For those of us who write, Virginia Woolf's advice on creating memorable characters.

Tony Woodlief on forgiveness.  Another winner.  (I might have posted this one with the last set of Odds and Ends, if so, it is worth re-reading!)

Also from Woodlief: The World We Show Them.  A sobering reflection on how our failings, struggles, and weaknesses as parents can be communicated to our children.  While we cannot achieve perfection in this life, and we can only do the best with what we have at the time, Woodlief reminds us be aware of our shortcomings, continually ask forgiveness of our children, and work to grow and change.

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Canterbury stained glass windows at the Cloisters.  I challenge anyone who sees these to contend that the medieval period was a dark age.

Another wonderful reflection from Jen Fulwiler on how reducing choices can help us cultivate gratitude.  In our post modern world, we are presented with a plethora of choices, and usually having too many choices makes us unhappy and makes life more difficult.  True simplicity means removing choices.  

A Renaissance painting of Jesus in a baby walker.  Fascinating (and thanks to Like Mother Like Daughter for pointing me to this great work of art!)

A funny: James Joyce orders a shamrock shake. (thanks to Micah Mattix' Pruffrock newsletter for the link)

As a perfectionist, and a sewer, this article resonated with me so much.  I've been considering my goals with sewing lately, and while I would love to do professional grade work, and have a dedicated space for my sewing, that isn't my life right now.  My goal is to have wearable clothing that I can complete in a day or two of work.  So I'm satisfied with pinked seams, cutting patterns right out of the package, using pins, occasionally skipping muslins, or taking shortcuts with muslins when I do make one, machine stitching waistbands when hand-stitching would be more period appropriate, coming up with workarounds and Avoiding Buttonholes At All Costs.

Why it is important to teach grammar.  Hint: it isn't because diagramming sentences is so useful to adult life.  It is because grammar is one of those foundational things that we use to measure the worth of an education.  

I fell down the rabbit hole again watching Janet Stephens' wonderful YouTube channel (I dare you to watch just one; she recreates ancient Roman and Greek hairstyles based on statuary, using period techniques--they are sort of weirdly soothing, and so interesting).  Then I noticed this video on the sidebar, which is raw footage of a Geisha girl putting on her make up.  It is spare, a bit long, but utterly absorbing.

by Maja Wronska Via

Amazing architectural watercolors. I would hang these in my house! 

Sew For Victory: Navy Skirt

I knuckled down this week and got the navy blue skirt finished for Sew for Victory!  I was determined not to have a repeat of Knit for Victory (where I finished the garment less than week after the deadline, and then frogged it), so when I had a free day on Thursday, I scraped my wet hair into a knot on the top of my head, pulled out one of my modern knit dresses from the closet, and set to work.  I made some modifications to this skirt, based on the fit of the red one, and I like the fit better, although I really should just learn how to grade the pattern properly.  But honestly, I don't have much time to learn a lot of new skills right now (I was busy trying to keep my toddler out of the sewing machine and away from the press iron all.day.long, that is, when the baby wasn't crawling under the table and playing with the foot pedal, trying to run the machine without me).  So yeah, not going to be doing professional-grade sewing for a while, but my goal is wearability right not, not perfection.

Also, I realize this is sort of a boring garment, but I really rely on basics like this for my everyday wardrobe, and having my favorite navy blue skirt on the skids has been cramping my style!

So my workaround for the too-big waist band problem that has plagued my last four skirt efforts.  I can't make the hips any smaller, or it will be too tight across the mid-section, but my waist is so much smaller, and the ratio is sharp and short--i.e., I go from wide to narrow quickly, so there's not much room to grade.  My mom said that grading my wedding dress for my waist-hip ratio was difficult for her, and she's much more accomplished than me, so I don't feel too badly about this.  

What I did was to sew a narrow strip of elastic (because that was what I had on hand) into the back of the waist band seam before I sewed the top of the waistband under in the back.  So the elastic is encased in the waistband, and anchored on the seam allowance at the top of the skirt.  Clear as mud?  It was a bit tricky to ease the stretched elastic into the waist band and keep everything smooth, but it works.  The skirt fits much better than previous tries, so I guess that counts for something.  Incidently, I sewed a small piece of elastic into the back of my red skirt as well, but because I didn't want to take apart the whole waist band to do it, and the piece I had was smaller, I just sewed it directly onto the inside of the waistband at the back.  It's not pretty, but it is functional, and I think the skirt fits a bit better now.  Probably a bigger/wider piece would have done a better job, but, you know.  Toddlers.

The fabric is so unbelievably soft--microbrushed twill from fabric.com, and I have the hunter green version coming in the mail.  I probably won't do anything with it until summer, but it was on sale, and I knew I was going to remake my green skirt, so there you go.

I don't think I've worn this blouse on the blog yet; it is a 70s Worthington number that I picked up from ebay (I think!) early last fall.  It is a kind of silky polyester that can pass for charmeuse, I think, and I like the bow print.  It is two sizes too big, but I've added some darts to help bring it in some.  I keep thinking this blouse needs a super neutral sweater, like oatmeal colored to go with it, so I've not worn it much, but I've got oatmeal yarn in my stash waiting to be knitted up, so that project might be next (well, after the girls' Pascha hats, of course.  Priorities.)

The brooch is an old one from Acorn and Will, and I've been wearing it all week with different outfits--I love lightweight resin brooches because the little people in my life can't really wreck them, and they are easy to wear on a variety of fabrics.

See skirt.

See skirt lining (blue rayon bemberg that I bought specifically for this skirt; it is growing on me).  I made the lining free-hanging on this skirt, and while it was faster to sew this way, it isn't as neat as in the red skirt, so I may not do it again. 

Elasticized waist back.

My one bit of fancy for this skirt--pointed waist band ends!  I know I make my bands too long, but I like a long overlap because I think it looks nicer on my figure.  Also, see that little spot next to the zipper?  My hands are crazy dry and cracked right now (what else is new?) and one of the cracks really opened up while I was hand-sewing the lining to the zipper opening.  Oops.  At least it is small and on the inside.

As for my other Sew for Victory projects, I've been making muslins for fit, and I really can't decide what to do with the vintage strawberry fabric.  I had though about a wrap around blouse, using the top half of the Crepe pattern, and I think it looks okay, but I'm just terrified to cut into the fabric and make the wrong choice for it.  So much pressure.  I've washed and dried the red and yellow floral fabric and am going to get cracking on that soon.  I'm torn between the New England dress, which can be modified for nursing friendly-ness, and the Crepe, which is very easy, but not nursing friendly unless you wear it backward, and then the bust darts stick out funny (I know, because I tried it with my muslin top).  Decisions, decisions.  Stay tuned for further developments.

Talking Tuesday: Isaac the Syrian

 Via

A Snowy St. Patrick's Day: What I Wore Monday

A second post in one day--craziness, I tell you.  Insanity!  It is St. Patrick's Day (unless you are going by the church calendar, in which case, let's pretend it is March 30, k?)  I'm part Irish, and love what St. Patrick means to Ireland, and dressing in green is one of my favorite things, so let's do this thing.

Today we woke up to several inches of snow, and the kids' school had a power outage, so they ended up having to come home again mid-morning.  I took these when it was still snowing this morning, so forgive the blurriness.

I remembered after I took them that it was St. Patty's, and substituted my owl brooch for a little leprechaun that I've been saving for a few months.  Oh, and my watch!  I found this watch for a dollar at a flea market last fall and finally got around to getting a battery in it on Saturday.  Works perfectly now!

So, let's talk about the outfit, shall we?  The shirt is a cast-off of my husband's.  I normally dislike stand-up collars, but the shirt is made of very nice fabric and has a nice hand, so I tried it, and I think it is okay.  The reason he was getting rid of it is that it has French cuffs and the cuffs were irredeemably dirty (we tried soaking in Biz for several days, plus three tries at the cleaners, and no go), but the sleeves are too long for my short arms, so I rolled them up and called it good.  The opposite-side button placket is a little strange, but not too bad.

Nothing like taking a series of photos and realizing your sweater vest is flipped up at the hem.  Oh well.  Keeping it real over here.  About the sweater vest.  I saw Rochelle's outfit featuring this vest, and fell in love.  I was bummed when she mentioned it was thrifted, but when I was searching ThredUp two weeks ago for vests, up popped two of them, in my size!  Woot-woot!  I even had a credit on my account so it didn't cost me a thing.  I will say, I think the gray washes me out a little, and perhaps a different colored shirt would brighten the outfit up a bit--white doesn't do me a lot of favors.

I've been wearing these boots for several months, but I don't think I've photographed them before today.  They are vintage Snowland boots from the 1960s, but I think they can pass for 1940s.  I've seen boot adverts from the era that are similar.  The best part is that they are wool lined, and so warm.

The faux topaz earrings I've mentioned before, but just now got around to photographing in detail.  The scarf I've had for almost 15 years; I bought it from an old lady on the side of the road in Nizhni Novgorod when I was first a student in Russia.

On my coat: a WW2 sweetheart pin.  It is Lucite with a little brass airplane on the front.  It is a little bigger and heavier than I expected, so it will really only work on a highly structured garment like a coat, but I like it.   

Detail of the pin.  It is a plastic 1960s number, but fun!  I'll probably wear it other times in the year too.

Outfit Deets:

White men's shirt: Land's End, via my husband

American Eagle Cocker Spaniel vest: ThredUp (it is a size large, just fyi--I just looked and there is still a small and large size available!)

Green skirt: me made (although, getting a little too big in the waist!)

Faux topaz earrings: Target

Leprachaun brooch: Bright Eyes Treasures, Etsy

WW2 sweetheart pin: ebay (it was mislabeled WW1--a reenactor acquaintance found it for me!)

Boots: Snowland, via ebay

Sew for Victory: 2.0!

This year, I'm participating in Sew For Victory 2.0!  I follow several bloggers who participated last year, and was intrigued, so I'm excited to take part this year!  I have two projects in the works for this challenge, and if I have time (unlikely) a third.

First up: a navy blue skirt.  My old navy skirt (a 70s era thrift find from Haberdashery brand) is starting to show its age, and I've noticed the last few times I've worn it that it has turned into a pilling machine.  So time for a new navy skirt!  I think this project is the most likely to be finished, as I cut out the pieces this morning, and skirts are pretty fast.  The fabric is micro-brushed twill from fabric.com, and now that my green skirt is really getting too big, I'm thinking now I have an excuse to buy the green version of this fabric and make a six-gore version!

This is the same pattern I used for my red skirt, and I'm hoping to tweak the waist a bit to fit better (elastic on the inside of the waist band, perhaps).  

I know this is basically the same style as Simplicity 3688, but I just can't bring myself to haul that pattern out even though it is actually a 40s pattern.  I know this pattern, and I'm sticking with it so I can git 'er done. I'm adding an inch to the bottom length so that the lining is shorter than the skirt.   

Oh, and I'm using rayon bemberg again for lining--I bought it at the same time as the other bemberg for the navy microbrushed twill, so might as well use it.  I'm warming to it after wearing the red skirt a ton, and it is nice not to mess with a slip every day.

Next up: a blouse.  I'm of two minds about the style for this blouse, so my final decision will affect whether I can get it done.  I'm torn between making a long sleeve and short sleeve blouse.  I'm seriously deficient in long sleeve blouses, but I think I get more versatility out of a short sleeve version, especially out of this fabric, which is on the lighter side.  I'm also considering making this an Eisenhower-style blouse with a banded bottom, but that would require a whole muslin to get it right, and I'm not sure I've got time for that.  I'm also not sure the style would work for this fabric.

Lastly, I'm unsure about which pattern to use.  I have two that I like and have sewn before, so no muslin needed, but I'm intrigued by the Smooth Sailing blouse, and am considering making that since I have the pattern.  And after writing all this out, I think this is my tenative plan: I'm going to make this basic blouse pattern again, but use the sleeves from the Smooth Sailing pattern.  I do have to be careful with puffed sleeves, but I can always change them to straight if need be as I have three yards of fabric.  But then, maybe I'll just take the plunge with Smooth Sailing and go without a muslin (living on the edge, that's me).

Finally: a dress out of this fabric.


I was thinking about making the Crepe from Collette, but I don't love the cap sleeves, and I don't want to fiddle with drafting right now, so I might change my plan.  I've also got a ton of it, so maybe I'll make something for the girls too.  This part of my project list is unlikely to be finished in time for the challenge, and might get pushed to summer.  I'm tricky to fit for dresses, as I'm small on top, wide on the bottom, with a huge waist-to-hip ratio, and I'm a little concerned about finding the right dress pattern for this fabric.  I might end up with separates that look like a dress, just for good fit, not sure.

7QT: Clean Week Edition

--1--

I'm sort of noticing a Clean Week trend; the past few years, it has tried to kill me.  Last year there was the epic stomach flu that put me in the hospital with dehydration and a pretty severe gastroparesis flare.  This year, it was influenza and pneumonia together.  I spent last Saturday in the ER, as I mentioned earlier in the week, and have spent most of this week shuffling around in yoga pants and a sloppy old maternity cardigan, barely able to get off the couch, my head splitting in pain, struggling to breathe, ribs aching, and coughing like an old man.  Yesterday, finally, the pain in my head lifted, and I started to feel that this thing might not kill me after all.  I'm still not up to snuff, as they say, but I think I'm on the mend anyway.  Thank God for small mercies, as I'm on solo parenting duty for a few days.

--2--

More small mercies: on Wednesday, one of our occasional sitters e-mailed me to say she was unexpectedly free on Thursday, and would I like her to come over and help out?  A resounding yes!  I had her come from 3:30 to bedtime, and it was such a blessing to have another pair of hands during the witching hours, especially since Miss Birdie didn't nap and is sort of sick and kind of awful right now.  Of course, that could just be because she is two.  Let the toy stealing from the almost-mobile baby begin.  Oh, the drama. 

--3--

Even better?  My mom is finally coming!  For realz.  She's had to postpone her trip twice due to unavoidable circumstances, and it looked like she might have to postpone again because of new health crisis with my sister, but things settled down as much as they are going to right now, and she is coming!  (She is on the plane as I write this, so no backing out now!)  I'm so excited.  

--4--

I'm also looking forward to the costumes of Downton Abbey exhibit that is at Winterthur now--I bought our tickets several weeks ago, and we are going on Wednesday.  I was hoping to leave Birdie with a sitter, but it was not to be, so all us chickens will head out during the morning rush to feast on 1910s and 1920s costumes.  Everything I'm reading and seeing about the exhibit says it is fab.

--5--

There is nothing quite like realizing that your 3 year old is outgrowing all his 5T pants.  

--6--

I think I just need to own up to the fact that I am just a leetle bit of a clothes horse.  I sort of shudder to apply that label to myself, as I really do purge my closet regularly, and don't hang on to anything I'm not wearing regularly, or doesn't fit after a season, but I'm such a magpie when it comes to thrifted clothing. (ThredUp is both wonderful and dangerous in this way for me!)  I went on ThredUp this morning to search for pants for Boo (see #5), plus a new pair of church pants for Piglet, who managed to bust the knees of the last pair, that were, admittedly, getting a little short.  While I was there, I was sort of idly browsing for pants, as occasionally a high-waisted pair does turn up.  And lo, and behold, the Holy Grail: Pendleton jeans, in my size, high-rise, perfection--at least on the screen.  And listed for about the amount of the credit I had burning a hole in my pocket sitting in my account from my last bag clean out.  I also found a pair of high-waisted wheat-colored cords for less than $5 that I think I can alter to suit a look I want to try.  If not, it was still less than the price to buy fabric to make them.  I will say, my luck hasn't been great lately--I've only kept two pieces I got lately and returned the rest.  Although, what I did keep is fabulous.  The skirt especially has gotten a lot of wear with all this cold weather.

--7--

And because I'm out of ideas, you get a (Lenten) meme:

Via

Oh, wait, one more thing.  I just realized that the 4th anniversary of my gram's passing was yesterday.  I miss her a lot, and I'm so glad to have inherited some lovely things from her, including her sewing machine.

Wasn't she gorgeous?

Go see Jen for more Quick Takes!

Talking Tuesday: Clean Week and C.S. Lewis

Troubling news from home yesterday.  I know it is Clean Week, as there is much to bear this week.  Still feeling pretty rough after the weekend--pneumonia confirmed, influenza confirmed, still battling lung congestion and a fairly severe headache, but at least I feel I can rise from my couch today, if only for brief stretches.  I find Lewis a consolation during these times.  I'm not sure I totally understand what he is saying here, but I know it is worth understanding, and will continue to ponder.

“The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word "love", and look on things as if man were the centre of them. Man is not the centre. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake. "Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the divine love may rest "well pleased".”

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

What I Didn't Wear Sunday

I spent 8+ hours in the ER yesterday, as the infection I've been battling for some time decided to go for round two of special nastiness.  Things escalated to an emergency yesterday when it started to hurt to breathe and my arms and legs were numb and cold, so off to the ER I went.  They ran a bunch of tests, gave me some fluids and some meds, but then, just kind of forgot about me.  It was highly frustrating. Because keeping me awake all night in an uncomfortable bed is just the thing for a sleep-deprived patient with pneunmonia.

I stayed home from church today (obviously) which was kind of a bummer as it is Forgiveness Sunday, and Lent starts tomorrow.  I feel behind already.

But I don't want to miss my last of 7 posts (although technically I think this makes 8, as I posted last Sunday), so I'll give you a Downton Abbey outfit to round out the week.  I will note for the record that I took these on Friday, lest you think my sad sick self looks this nice today.  And I was only outside for about five minutes, for anyone concerned about the cold.

Grey Sag Harbor Skirt: Thrifted, ebay

Langvin rayon blouse: Thrifted, ebay

Black elastic belt: H&M

Heather Graphite Foot Traffic Tights: Sock Dreams

Gray t-strap shoes: gifted from a friend

Necklace: Kohl's (old)

Earrings: Etsy

Beauty from Ashes

I hope this ramble-y little post makes some sense.  I've come down with another lung infection and had a killer migraine yesterday, so I'm not sure how well I was able to articulate myself, but 7 posts in 7 days waits for no man, so here you go!

Dostoevsky wrote that beauty will save the world (The Idiot).

When we went to Austria in the summer of 2012, I rediscovered some parts of myself I thought were lost when we visited Salzburg.  I wrote a little about that journey here, but mostly I discovered that I need beauty and goodness in my life in order to have some sense of peace.  A lot has happened since then, and I confess that I've forgotten some of those very important lessons.  There is much in city living that ugly, dirty, and depressing, and it can be very easy to slip into forgetting to see the forest for the trees.  There is also much to like about living in the city--this winter would have been much more difficult for us if we had been living in the suburbs or somewhere more rural.  So even though my basic vision of the beauty in creation involves isolated rural landscapes, I'm trying to adjust to the urban reality of my daily life.  And that landscape has its own sort of beauty; one must look harder to see it.

I think one of the first things that people notice upon entering an Orthodox church are the externals of it--the physical space is designed to engage all the senses, and the iconography, the incense, the music, the candles, the chanting, etc. are all part of that.  It is to remind us of heaven, and the heavenly cloud of witnesses that surround us always, to relive the creation and salvation story through the liturgy, to point our minds and hearts to worship God and to pray for the salvation of our selves and the world.

When we first moved to this part of the country, we were underwhelmed by many of the local churches, particularly the iconography, which was heavily influenced by the Romanticism that overtook Russian iconography in the late 19th century.  It seemed so at odds, both liturgically and aesthetically, with the traditional Byzantine style iconography to which we were accustomed.  I myself studied iconography with the Prosopon School, and learned the Rublev method, which is fairly contiguous with Byzantine styles.  Aesthetics mean a lot to me, and speak to me in visceral ways, so to find so much of the iconography of the churches to be of a distinct Western style, full of sentimentalism, was disappointing. Lately, however, I find myself revising that opinion, as I think those 19th century images have much to teach me about beauty, and about a window on the soul.

Merciful Savior Church, Nizhni Novgorod, Russia

A few weeks ago, I had the very rare opportunity to attend a Saturday Vespers by myself.  I went to the Russian parish that is an easy walk from our house, and entered the candle-lit darkness of the nave.  It was womb-like, even though the church was cold.  The fragrance of incense lingered on the air, and the brass candle stands, the gold on various icons, the threads of the analogian covers all sparkled in the low light.  I breathed a deep sigh, and felt something go out of me, a pressure that lives on my shoulders most days.  I was transported back to my first experiences of the Orthodox Church in Russia, and to the sure conviction I had upon entering that God dwelled there.

The church in which I spent the most amount of time in those days was in Nizhni Novgorod, a city about seven hours east of Moscow.  The church was not large, but very old, and filled with iconography, both painted frescos and murals, as well as loose mounted icons.  Being Protestant, and having no sense of the history of iconography, those 19th century sentimental images seemed quite familiar to me.  They were similar to the ones I'd seen in Bible story books growing up, and were reassuring.

Merciful Savior Church, Interior, Nizhni Novgorod, Russia

We could have a discussion about the theology of these Romantic-type icons, but I don't think that is worth going into here.  The point is, how do these images help me to focus my mind on God, to journey to salvation, to imitate Christ?  I'm not sure I could articulate exactly how they do, but they do.  I feel movement in my soul when I'm surrounded by beauty, and it pushes me to prayer, to examine my worldliness, to understand the myriad of ways in which I fall short of the glory of God.  I understand more viscerally how deep the thorn in my wounded soul, and how impossible it is for me to draw it out myself.

I will pursue beauty.  I will look for the beauty beneath the mask of ugliness and sin, I will try to look past the spiritual sickness of the world and see the creation of God.  I will remind myself (again) of my purpose in this life.  I know I will stumble, I know I will fall, and sometimes, it may take me a while to get back up again, but as I journey to the Cross this Lent, I will remind myself of my need for salvation.

A blessed Fast to us all, and forgive me, a sinner.