For the past three years, we've had the same regular babysitter about 15 hours a week. It gave me a break from the kids, time to pursue my creative interests, go to the grocery store by myself, take kids to various therapy and doctor's appointments without having to drag everyone else along, get myself to midwifery appointments, etc. Our sitter was great--very flexible about times, and totally reliable. She was rarely out sick, and the only times she was unable to get in as scheduled were on those days when the city shut down for severe weather and nothing was running or open. She was great about staying long hours when Birdie was so sick and in and out of the hospital, and was so available to us during the last two labors/deliveries.
After Ponchik was born, however, we took a hard look at our budget and our family priorities, and we decided that we needed to make do with less babysitting time. Our sitter was from an agency that set the hourly rate and had a 3-hour minimum. They took care of all the background checks, references and taxes, and that was very nice, but it was expensive, and we decided that we needed to find cheaper childcare.
My mom came for two weeks after Ponchik was born, but since then, we've been making do with a sort of mother's helper childcare solution. She is a high school student who has been walking Piglet home from school since February, and she's been great with the kids. She comes for a few hours one afternoon a week and for a few hours on Friday morning so that I can go to a regular appointment plus run an errand or two in the neighborhood. She comes about 5 hours per week, so it is vastly cheaper but my day-to-day life has changed rather drastically as a result. I've also learned a few things along the way.
1. I manage my time better. I do a better job of scheduling my appointments/errands, etc. when I have less time, and I'm more efficient about them. I also run far fewer errands, which is ultimately money saved, since I was making a lot of impulse purchases before. Now, I have to make more of a point of going to the grocery store (in addition to our weekly delivery), and I have to be more deliberate about what I get there, instead of running there every day or every other day for a thing or two. (Although I will say I occasionally take the kids to Whole Foods just to have somewhere to go--it is close by, and we can there and back easily on foot).
2. Naptime/quiet time is absolutely sacred. I'm strict about putting the middles down at the same time, and while Boo no longer sleeps, he does know how to play quietly in his room until I'm ready for him to come out. I've always needed naptime for a break in the day, and used it to get other things done, but now, I absolutely need that break in the day--usually to nap with Ponchik and try to make a dent in the massive sleep deficit I have.
3. I can get more done with the littles than I thought. If this week of blogging every day has taught me anything it is that I don't need to be totally alone to do creative work. Most of what I worked on this week (and blogged about) was accomplished in the morning, while the middles were playing. I'm a great believer in benign neglect, and have trained my children not to rely on me for their entertainment. I'm still working out that sweet spot of where to be working when they are playing (our row home presents some logistical challenges in this direction), but at least I know now that it can be done. I'm planning to do more sewing while the kids are awake--but behind the gated kitchen doorway, where they can't get into everything while I'm working. Writing is probably the thing I can do the least of while they are awake, but I did write most of the Amos section I posted earlier this week while they were awake, so perhaps not. I can at least do background work on the story during waking hours.
4. I do a better job of folding/putting away laundry in a timely manner. Weird, I know. I do reasonably well keeping up with the wash, but I've always had a mental block about folding it and getting it back to closets/drawers on the same day as washing. I'm getting it done more quickly now. I think when I had childcare to burn, I was so intent on spending that time doing non-household-related tasks, that I wasn't leaving enough time to do many household tasks in a timely manner.
5. My kids do better when I'm with them more. I won't say that I don't hit the wall with my kids at least once a day, or that I don't sometimes feel suffocated by them, but I will say that overall, I feel better, and they feel better when I'm the person they see the most throughout the day. Given the challenges my children have, it often isn't worth having a big break from them in the day because they take out their crazy on me when I return. I keep reminding myself that this season is short, and pretty soon they will all be in school and my days will look quite different. I'm trying to remain present in this season and give them what they need now. It has been a major mental shift for me. Do I still struggle? Yes. But somehow, life feels less hard right now.
6. I have more satisfying social interaction with other moms. When Piglet was a baby, there was a group of moms that I hung around with all the time--we met at a breastfeeding support group, and social activities kind of grew up from there. But around the 9 month mark, many of those moms went back to work full- or part-time, and maintaining those relationships got very difficult. I still keep in touch with a few moms from that time, but mostly, we don't see each other in person very much. I've gotten to know some other moms along the way, and started attending a local MOPS group, but Birdie's health issues prevented me from really getting to know many of the moms there. I couldn't take her on playdates, or put her in group care, or even take her to group settings for a long time, and that was tremendously isolating. But now she is older, and doing better physically, so I feel less restricted about such things. There were a few moms from MOPS who made a point to keep checking in with me, see how I was, make sure I was okay and hadn't dropped off the face of the earth. For that, I'm enormously grateful, because that point of contact gave me a place to go when I was ready to face social interaction again. This summer has been a great time of getting to know the MOPS moms better, and to spend time with them and their kids. I finally feel like I have my feet on the ground here.
7. I don't hate the weekends. Weekends used to be awful here. All the kids were home, everyone would be fighting from sun up to sun down, my husband often worked Saturdays, leaving me with the kids by myself, I felt suffocated and tired by the whole thing. I wanted weekends to be a chance to slow down, catch up on sleep, do family stuff, but it just never seemed to work out that way. I was desperate for Monday mornings when my sitter would arrive to take them off my hands. I won't say that I love weekends, but I will say that I don't hate them. We have a better rhythm now when all the kids are home, the boys have Saturday morning soccer, which helps burn off their energy and gets them out of the house for an hour or so. I've lowered my expectations for weekend afternoons, as I know that Piglet just can't grasp the concept of quiet time, and has to be where I am for the afternoon. Because I feel far less overwhelmed by the children during the week, it is easier to handle them on the weekend too. Plus, the deal with having four children is that no parent "gets a break" on the weekend. We usually divide and conquer, each taking two kids, which helps me to feel better about the division of labor. Somehow it is easier knowing my husband and I both have our shoulders to the wheel.
The point: I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I still need some childcare every week just to do things that are unrealistic to get accomplished with the children, I no longer feel desperately needful of it.
And that is a very good feeling to have.
Go see
Jen for more Quick Takes! I'll be back tomorrow with a recipe.
