Gruggle and March of the Turtles

Just popping in here briefly to assure you that reports of my demise are greatly overstated.  What can I say, it's Lent? Holy Week next week, so the end is in sight.  Meantime, enjoy a photo of some flowers in my garden:

And also to share a quick accessory that I made late in the fall: Kate Davies' Gruggle.  

I wanted to like this pattern, but the truth is that I didn't enjoy knitting it, at. all.  It was so boring after a while that I struggled to finish it.  It is a nice size and very warm for being fingering weight, but I've also struggled to find ways to wear it.  Don't know if it is the color or the style.  

My main mod was to increase needle size at every break in the pattern to create a funnel shape and I'm glad I did.  I wish it was slightly wider at the bottom than it is, but fingering weight on size 7 needles was already pushing it for fabric density and tension. 

I'm still poking away at Kate's Cowal pattern--similar, but somehow less boring?--and that pattern has you go up on needles at some point too.

And in ongoing sweater modifications Because Juliana is Freezing All The Time, I added turtlenecks to my Not A Bláithín sweater and my Rustbelt Mackworth, and I'm super happy with them now! I love the weight of those sweaters for winter (stranded knitting is so warm!) but did not love how cold I felt in them because my neck was bare.  The Mackworth neckline was always too wide on me in any case.  It was the work of a few hours and now I have two extremely useful sweaters after letting them mostly languish this winter.  I had lengthened the hem and cuffs about 1/2" in the early fall, but it was such a minor change it wasn't worth noting here.

And yes, I know.  I need to address the elephant in the room at some point: the weight loss.  I've lost about 60 pounds in the past year and am still finding my way with how I feel in my body.  Short answer: very strange.  But hey, at least my hair isn't coming out clumps any longer.  Small mercies.

Can't Get No...Satisfaction

I've been mulling over where my food train got derailed this summer, and while I can point to a number of different things--gastroparesis flare, ongoing viral infection, cancer scare, high stress summer, etc., at the end of the day, I think my biggest problem is that I got bored.

Tomato sandwiches!

When I started my keto-ish diet in the summer of 2017, I was desperate for a change.  I was still eating a relatively small range of foods to accommodate all my swallowing issues, and my blood sugar was all over the place (I have always struggled with hypoglycemia).  I was mostly living on Cream of Wheat, baked potatoes, the odd sweet potato, and Chex.  And Milky Way bars.  *facepalm* It was not the Road to Healthfulness.

When I did some research on a ketogenic approach, it was the first way of eating that was mostly foods I was able to tolerate.  (Paleo is too fiber-intensive for gastroparesis and most other food plans are rely too heavily upon chicken and/or nuts, both of which I'm allergic to).

Armed with a bunch of new recipes and raw determination, I set off on my merry way, dropped 10 more pounds, started feeling much better, and then...I don't know. I made keto-ish foods for my family but got sticker shock at the amount we were spending on groceries.  Keto is not budget-friendly if you have boys to feed and can only eat beef, and my girls can eat as much as the boys sometimes! The keto meals I made went over extremely well. So well in fact, that there were no leftovers, so the price-per-meal was staggering.  We may as well have been getting takeaway every day.

Once we got into the Nativity Fast, I couldn't keep serving the rest of the family keto meals (there are really no vegan-friendly keto foods unless you want to drink olive oil all day), so I started making fasting-friendly things for them and something keto for myself.  (Long ago, my father-confessor gave me a blessing to keep a heavily-modified fast, given the rather extreme complications of my food life). 

Spinach pies--a treat after so many years!

It is a lot to keep up with, since I would prepare a full meal for my family, and then have to make something else for myself from scratch.  I've mostly been doing dual meal prep since then, and frankly, I got tired of it.  I don't love to cook, and planning/preparing meals for six people every day (and twice on the weekends) is a chore.  We had two pretty long fasts this summer, and I couldn't keep up.  I started defaulting to eggs and bacon because they were fast and easy.

keto caprese omlette

Sometime in August, I discovered I could eat more things, and I was suddenly able to swallow bread again.  It was a feast after the famine, and I broadened my culinary horizons to include grains, some legumes, and some greens, but gained ten pounds doing so. I'm not happy about this, but neither am I happy about going back to eggs and bacon all the time.

Cheeseburger Pie!

I mentioned this to my therapist recently, and she said she thought it was because I wasn't getting satisfaction from my meals. Yes, my meals were fuel for the road, but I wasn't getting "full" so to speak. Even the so-called "cheat" foods I was having didn't really satisfy me--it was more a craving in my mind for something that I thought was food. Turns out, those cravings are probably not for food per se but for relief from all the stress of my life. Heh. 

This one was okay.  I ended up leaving some of the bacon and naan for another meal.

In the past month, I've tried a lot of different things, from the Noom weight loss app (decided not to continue after the free trial), to getting back on the keto wagon train, to intermittent fasting, but nothing really stuck.  I kept choosing tomatoes on toast and English muffins, cereal, and other grain-loaded carbs.  

At the end of the day, I'm just tired of food.  Tired of the constant restrictions, tired of the numerous food decisions I have to make for my family and then make again for myself.  Times three meals a day, seven days a week.  

So here is where I am right this minute is: eating regular food with the rest of my family at regular times.  Huh.  I decided that I can't give up bread right now, after so many years without.  (We are having a lot of simple grilled cheese or quesadilla type meals lately, and making another meal for myself on those days is just.one.more.thing).  And I feel okay when I eat bread, so I don't have a strong reason not to.  

I also wonder what it says about our society that so many of us feel that we have to cut out entire food groups or exercise for five hours a day in order to look a particular way.  (I always remember reading an article in People magazine a few years ago, where different celebrities were interviewed about what they ate on a particular day, and I remember one woman saying that she had to exercise all morning to justify a small portion of pasta for dinner that night.  The rest of her food day was...spartan.  How sad is that?)

It's kind of a weird and interesting place to be--eating regular foods, without a lot of restrictions--and one I have to relearn, after 3+ years of nearly always having to make myself something separate, often at different times from everyone else so as not to lose my mind.  (I worried greatly about the effect of having a mother not eating in front of them was having on my children, having seen that effect elsewhere to negative results.  'Nuff said).  

keto BLT 

So I have to relearn the practice of portion control, and get back in touch with my body's signals.  Anyone with hypoglycemia will tell you that it teaches you to be afraid of hunger--of going too long without food.  The consequences can be rather unpleasant.  The intermittent fasting I did this month helped me to overcome that (again).  I suspect it will be a lesson I have to learn again and again.  But I do actually feel okay after meals--satisfied, mostly.  I have some bad habits I need to work on, but I'm noticing that my cravings are better under control, and I can talk myself down from them (mostly).  It doesn't have anything to do with the specific foods I'm eating or not eating, but I do think it has a lot to do with giving myself permission to eat everything I'm not allergic to, but not to overdo it on anything.  It's not the path to weight loss, but I'm taking a short break while I get my head back in order.

I also purchased a pedometer--Noom was helping me to keep track of my steps, and while I like the feature, I do not like having to carry a phone around with me all day, every day, so this little device is easy to slide into my pocket.  I'm hitting my target most days just doing my normal stuff, so that is good.  I guess those 47 stairs in my house are counting for something!

I also started walking a bit more in the afternoon with my school pick up routine; the neuroma in my foot is pretty unhappy with all this humidity, but I'm happy if I can go halfway (about 3/4 mile) before picking up the bus.  Sometimes I walk the whole way and sometimes I catch the bus near my house, but I try not to beat myself up if I do a little less.  My days are pretty jam packed at the moment, and I think having one less thing to think about is helpful right now.

I'm more or less maintaining about eight pounds above where I was mid-summer, and that is okay right now.  I also remember reading Geneen Roth about seven years ago when I was really working through a lot of my food issues, and she said sometimes you have to gain a bit while you are relearning how to have a normal relationship with food.  So that's where I am at the moment.  At least my clothes (mostly) still fit.  I've got a post brewing about that and will finish it soon.

I realize this is probably interesting only to me, but I find it helpful to have a record of these things to refer back to.  

The Piny

If you pay attention to fashion or sewing trends, the pinafore is having a Moment.  Beloved by toddlers everywhere, they've made their way back into adult women's fashion.  I admit, when pinafores first came back in, I wasn't a fan.  The styles seemed boxy and unflattering to an adult woman's body, or they seemed too young for me, so I put it out of my head.  (Can I also just say: all the clothes in the stores right now are from the mid-1990s.  Are we really recycling fashion from my high school years already?  Sheesh.  I appreciate the nostalgia trip, but I am nearly 40 and don't really want to go back to high school, thankyouverymuch). 

In the past year or so, there have been a few brilliant sewing patterns for a pinafore, plus lots of great styling on Instagram that made me curious to try the style.  I thought Jennifer Lauren's Ivy Pinafore and Pippi Pinafore were the best of the lot.  There are other indie pattern makers who have come out with pinafore patterns too (Collette, Victory Patterns, and Tilly and the Buttons all have versions), but I didn't think they would work for my body type. 

So imagine my delight when I happened to find just the thing in Target this week!  Ignore the creepy-weird styling on the website.  I think I would have passed it over if I hadn't seen it in person on the rack.  I wasn't too keen to spend a bunch of money on an untried pattern, a new style for me, and fabric and notions, so at less than $30, this Target pinny is the perfect way to try out the style.

I actually like this a lot--it ticks a lot of boxes on the pinny front: bust darts on the bib, semi-fitted silhouette, fitted waist band, side zip, right length, good denim in a nice dark wash.  It is very close in silhouette to the Pippi Pinafore, which was the pattern that most interested me style-wise.  I'm still trying new things right now, and this felt new to me.  (I guess I'm digging toddler styles?)

My only complaint is that I'm going to have to take in the bodice at some point--it is slightly too big, but in order to get a good fit on the skirt, I had to take a slightly larger than ideal size for the top.  (Such is the basic problem of pinafores on an adult pear-shaped body).  I bought a 14 for reference.  I think a 10 or 12 would have been about right on top, but too tight on the bottom as the 14 fits just right below the waist.  So I'll have a go at alterations soon.

In other news, I'm down four pounds this week, so I will take it.  (To recap: I gained 10 pounds in the past month and am trying to lose it, plus another 10 or so to get to where I'd ultimately like to be).  I'm still not sure what I think about Noom (an app that helps with weight loss).  Sometimes I think, yes, this is a great tool, and other times, I think: I hate this thing and am not going to pay money for it (I'm still in the 14 day trial period).  I do like that the app eases you into good habits, a little piece at a time, which is helpful.  And I've given myself permission to not be super precise with logging (I'm not measuring all my food; just eyeballing.  I've done enough measuring in the past few years to have a good sense of how much something is by looking).

I like the way the food log is set up--it is better than My Fitness Pal, which is totally neutral about what foods you log; I find MFP can become a sort of game about numbers rather than the quality of what you eat.  (As in: you can still meet your calorie goal for the day on Milky Way bars, but that's not really a great way to do so).  Noom flags your foods by color and tells you what percentage of your food day should be in each color.  The colors help you make less calorie dense food decisions (i.e grapes instead of raisins).  Some of their classifications make no sense to me, but I'm going with it for now.  I want to eat some carbs in my day and not feel like I'm getting totally derailed, and I also need to eat better in general.  Baby spinach is going down well lately, and doesn't seem to bother my GI tract (shocker!), so I'm trying to get at least one salad in per day.  I also need to quit eating in the evening.  My dinners are usually kind of a mess, so I spend the evening trying to make up for it.  I just need to get into a habit of making myself a proper dinner and eating it with the rest of my family and then be done for the day. (I often cannot eat what I make for my family, so am having to scramble to make a separate plate for myself.  After working for 45 or more minutes on a different meal, it is hard to then make myself do a proper meal for one at the end of it).

So that's that!  I'm hoping that with school in session, and things starting to get into the school year rhythm, I"ll be able to put better habits in place.

Let's Get Real

This summer was intense.  In previous years, we had a babysitter or two to help out with the kids during those long weeks when they don't have camp.  This year, for a variety of reasons, we did not.  Indeed, we have not had regular childcare since late February.  It has been a difficult transition for me.  So I had a lot of intense hours and weeks where I was "on" from early morning until early evening or sometimes later.  I also got a pretty nasty viral infection at the end of June that got into my lymph nodes and caused problems for most of the rest of July.  (More on that in a moment).

I had a pretty intense gastroparesis flare in mid-July.  I think the virus, combined with stress and general fatigue, greatly contributed to the flare, but my appetite went away, my nausea went up, my waistline bloated greatly, and I generally could not tolerate my "normal" keto-ish foods.  I doubled my motility medication (to little effect) and I had a two week period where Ritz crackers were kind of what I could manage.  Oh, and I got a sinus infection just for kicks and giggles.

By the end of July, I was in pretty poor shape.  The problems in my lymph nodes culminated in a rather large lump in my left breast that led to a mammogram in early August.  The lump on the left side turned out to be nothing, but in the process of having a look-see, the technician discovered something on the right side that was troubling.  I have a fiberadenoma on that side, and the troublesome spot on the right side was in the same place and about the right size and shape, but the doctor didn't like how the margins looked, so a biopsy was duly scheduled.  I won't lie--I was pretty anxious for most of the month of August.  I was pretty sure it was just that stupid fiberadenoma, but your mind goes in a lot of scary directions when you hear things like "3 mm mass with jagged margins"--google it, I dare you.  (No, don't.  Really).  Strangely, I got a lot of writing done in August.  But not a lot of sleeping. There's nothing like a cancer scare to up your productivity.

I had my biopsy in mid-August.  I was expecting a fine needle aspiration (done 13 years ago when the fiberadenoma was first found/diagnosed), but instead I got a punch biopsy.  I've had them before (once without any anesthetic!), and I'm not scared of needles, but the lidocaine took the stuffing out of me for a couple of days. There was a vessel feeding the thing that she hit on the way in, so I had a massive bruise where they did the punch.  It is still visible and slightly sore, almost three weeks later.  I had to wait another five days for the biopsy results. In the end, it turned out to be the same benign fiberadenoma from before.  I admit, the psychological toll of the whole thing, combined with the rest of the summer, derailed me on so many levels. 

On the upside, I made the happy discovery that I could swallow soft bread after two years of being completely unable to do so; I enjoyed a few grilled cheese sandwiches before graduating to toast and cereal, and then....dum, dum, dum, a Subway sandwich.  Believe me, no one was more surprised than me!  Keto (ish) was relatively easy to follow when carby things were impossible for me to swallow, but now that these things are eatable again, I find I am having a hard time eating mostly eggs and cheese and bacon with the odd piece of fruit.  My egg tolerance is down right now, so that doesn't help either.

This was followed by an accidental chicken exposure that produced...nothing.  Nada, zip.  No reaction whatsoever except for a slightly itchy feeling in my mouth, which could have been due to something else entirely.  I had already scheduled an appointment with a new allergist to get retested, since I've been wondering where I am with things, and it has been almost 10 years since I was last tested.  After that incident, I'm very curious to see how things stand with chicken.  Because after almost eleven years without chicken, and being paranoid about it (because my reaction to it has been very severe), it would be nice to eat it again!  (Try eating anything healthy without chicken or most fish and not tolerating salad particularly well.  It is hard.  And very very very monotonous.  I'm a terrible dinner guest). 

This is where things stand right now.  I gained weight in August.  More than I'd like to admit.  Some of it is water weight, because it went on so quickly and my clothes still fit, but I'm sure some of that is from the bread and other junky carbs I've eaten in the past month.  We did a lot of traveling in August and I got tired of being a poor house guest, so I ate what I was served whenever possible.  I suppose it is a little like starving and then being presented with a bounty--it is hard to know where to start and stop. 

I confess that I am struggling to know what to eat, or how to interpret my body's signals for hunger and satiety, since they've been off for so long I no longer trust them.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself--to have a bit of a break from how hard food has been for so many years, and eat what seems appealing and easy on my system, since my gastroparesis flare is still ongoing.  I realize that I can't eat like this long term, but I think I need to get some of the pent-up food frustration of the past two years out of my system before I can get back on the wagon, so to speak. 

When I started my keto-ish approach last summer, I felt it was a way to get off the fast train to Diabetesville.  My diet was severely restricted because of all my swallowing issues, and starting keto felt like widening my dietary field in a lot of great ways.  I felt better overall (once I got over the induction flu), and mostly stopped having issues with hypoglycemia.  My gastroparesis symptoms settled down quite a bit too, which is odd since high fat is one thing to avoid with this condition (fiber is the real problem, but fat slows motility too).  When I did have grains on occasion, I noticed I felt pretty bad afterward.  I tried to steer my diet toward carbs that did not include grains.

I did lose ten pounds last summer and reached my first goal weight, and my CBC numbers are good.  But I still want to lose more weight and it still seems impossible, particularly given my recent gains.  I'm trying to be okay with this.  I'm nearly 40, and it isn't going to get easier from here in.  (All Bodies Are Good Bodies).

So I'm trying to find the way forward.  My goal is to be healthy, and I want to have enough energy to keep up with my kids and the basic demands of city life.  The high-carb diet that is typical of Americans is not the best option for me, but the so-called "healthy" diet of every women's magazine in America is not one my body can tolerate.  I also can't eat 100 calories for lunch and make it through to supper.  So I'm figuring it out.  I'm hopeful that my allergy appointment in two weeks will give some clarity and possibly widen my dietary field somewhat. 

First thing is to lose the weight I gained this summer.  I'm always less active in the summer because I'm in the car a lot more and because I don't tolerate heat very well.  This summer was particularly bad because I was sick so much of the summer and it has been hotter than usual.  Now that I am back in the school groove, I'm walking more during the day, and generally moving around more.  So that is all to the good.  There is a Barre studio that recently opened near my house; I'd like to see if my neuroma can tolerate that, because my running days are over.  I have a neighbor who walks in the morning; we've talked about doing it together sometimes.  I don't want to get into something that I have to do like my job, but I do need to be a bit more active in my day. 

Bread is my kryptonite.  I don't like pasta all that much, and rice is just okay, but I can eat bread all day.  But it doesn't really love me back.  I can tolerate grains in small doses, but I can't build my diet around them; I feel like garbage when I eat too much grain.  I love potatoes too, and can tolerate them relatively well, but I think it is probably best to limit them as well.  And cake.  I love cake to distraction, but it needs to be a birthdays-and-holidays sort of thing.  I think I'm probably going to land in some sort of paleo-keto hybrid, which is the dietary direction I've been headed for a while.  As with my clothing, I'm going to have to experiment with things again for a while to see what works and what doesn't.

In the meantime, I'm going to have a slice of cinnamon raisin toast.  Because I can.

Geo Flannel Skirt: Remade

Otherwise known as deja vu week, here on the blog.  First the flannel dress, now this skirt.  

I made a straight skirt out of this flannel two winters ago, and wore it a lot.  I mean, A Lot.  I really loved that skirt.  I don't normally like light colors in winter, so I was surprised how much I liked that skirt.  It was clear to me last winter already that the original skirt was a) on its last season after heavy wash/wear and b) too big.  I wore it through my rotation, and tried a controlled shrink to make it fit better, but bought another length of the same fabric (thankfully it was still in stock!) in order to remake the skirt at some point this year.

When it came down to brass tacks, however, I decided to make an Everyday skirt instead, for the same reasons as the Orange Wool: alterations.  As I said, I'm still trying to lose weight, and my straight skirt pattern is particularly fiendish to alter ex post facto (as I've found, to my consternation, over the past two and a half years).  

I did worry that this fabric (which is a bit stiff) would stand out too much and make me look wide, but I think it is okay after all.  I do think I made the back elastics slightly too short, because the left side wants to ripple just slightly below the waistband, but I'm reluctant to change it because it might be fine in another few weeks.  The sweater I'm wearing is quite thick, and wearing it untucked might solve it.  In any case, it's not terrible.

I added 1.25" of length to this one and it is close to perfect, I think.  I pleated the front as with my other skirts and made sure to pin the pleats down pretty far so they lay nicely.  I debated top stitching them down a few inches, but in the end decided to leave it, as I worried it would affect the fall of the skirt.  The geometric lines of the design made the pleats dead easy to mark!

I couldn't quite get the whole waist band on the fold of the design, as with my first iteration, so I went for something that cut across the middle, which works well too.  

Overall, I'm pleased.  I am feeling the cold today--the temps have turned arctic!--but I think adding some silk long underwear will sort me out.  And of course, it was definitely time to pull out the big fuzzy boots.  I love these things--they were possibly my best ebay find ever.

The kiwi cowl is still going strong! 

Some real talk: 

So here's the weird thing about losing a lot of weight (I'm about 35 pounds down so far).  I have a hard time reconciling the image in the mirror with the image of myself in my head, which is the much heavier version of myself.  There are a lot of things about my body that are alien to me at this lower weight.  I worry that the odd cookie or treat will put those 35 pounds back on my body overnight and am always surprised when it doesn't happen.  I still struggle with sugar cravings and other unhealthy eating habits--the urge to go back to eating the way I did before always lurks in the back of my mind.  Sometimes it is loud, sometimes a whisper, but always there.  I'm still surprised when I fit easily into a narrow seat on the bus.  I know it is all irrational, and I have some body dysmorphia going on, but in the interest of Keeping It Real, I thought I'd share it.   

Just the Facts:

Geo Flannel Everyday Skirt: Everyday Skirt pattern (Oliver and S), double napped flannel from Robert Kaufman, elastic, 1.5" petersham ribbon for interfacing

Cotton pullover sweater: Nautica via ebay

Kiwi cowl: wool/alpaca blend yarn (discontinued from yarn.com)

Earrings: Ireland, seven years ago (I think!)

Boots: Ebay

STATurday: Bring it

It's been quite a while since I did one of these posts.  It's not because I haven't stopped trying to lose weight, but more because I stopped tracking my weight and measurements so often.  In truth, I've not really measured myself in over a year, and I try to only weigh myself twice a week or so.

So.  Stats.  I'm currently 2-3 pounds from my first goal.  I've got 15 pounds to go to my moonshot goal.  For those who've not been around for this long journey, I made a concerted effort to lose weight and get healthy in the summer of 2015.  I counted calories, started working out regularly, all that stuff.  I lost quite a bit of weight initially, in part because of all the drama with my throat and attendant swallowing issues, but things plateaued in the winter of 2015-16 as my swallowing issues got worse and my nutrition profile tanked.  

I lost no weight in 2016, and just fought with the same 8-10 pounds all year.  By the end of the Pascha season this year, I decided that I needed to get things in hand and get off the see-saw of weight loss/gain.  My throat issues had more or less stabilized by June, and the doctor had finally decided what dose of medication worked best to control my worst symptoms.  So after 2 years of endoscopies and dilations every 12 weeks or so, I had my last one in June and have figured out what I can and can't eat in terms of actually being able to swallow it down.  The answer: no bread, no meat that hasn't been ground, no apples with skin, nothing that forms a bolus on the way down.  But everything else is okay (excepting my food allergy list and the low-fiber requirements of my GI issues, which are extensive).

I started following a ketogenic/primal-ish diet approach at the end of May and that has been very good for me.  I no longer feel like I'm on a high-speed train to Diabetesville and I feel better overall.  My hunger cues are different and I don't struggle with hypoglycemia nearly as often (almost never, in fact).  I lost another 10 pounds or so this summer, so I'm down a total of 35 pounds since I started this journey.  I am actually having a hard time putting my body together with my head in the mirror.  Not only do I weigh less than any time in the past decade, the shape of my body is different.  It is a stranger to me.  

What I do know is that I've graded down my dress sloper in several places, and I'm making a size medium in my Everyday Skirt.  I've not made a pencil skirt lately, but I suspect I'd need to grade that one down again too, as almost all my old pencil skirts are too big at the moment.  I'm also buying smaller in ready-to-wear.  I bought the above denim pencil skirt from Land's End this summer in a size 12, but ended up buying another in a 10 in September after I realized how big on me it was.  The 10 is a good fit.  (Considering my crazy waist-to-hip ratio, I was shocked that it fit at all).  I should add that this skirt has a lot of lycra in it, so your mileage may vary.

A new Target Express opened near us last week, and I went in to check it out (and pick up a jacket I'd ordered) and noticed some "high rise" pants on one of the racks.  I liked the dark burgundy color and thought rise might actually be high.  I haven't really worn pants for almost a decade, except occasionally during pregnancy or for working out.  I made a couple of pairs that I never really liked the fit of (and my husband hated) and I tried a pair of ready-to-wear jeans that just never fit right.  I also just prefer dresses and skirts for daily wear.

But lately, I've been wanting to try some new things, branch out a bit.  Maybe (gasp!) wear a pair of pants once in a while.  But ready-to-wear pants are usually a disaster for me.  I have an extremely long rise, a short inseam, and a non-standard hip to waist ratio (14" rise, 27" inseam, 10" hip/waist ratio) and pants are particularly difficult for me to find.  I also have a fair bit of junk in my trunk.  For reference, most "high rise" pants have a 9-10" inseam, 32" inseam is standard, and 6-8" hip/waist ratio is standard.  Most pants slopers assume the wearer has a relatively flat bottom.

All that said, these pants are pretty good!  I bought a size 12. I could use another inch of height in the middle of the back waist band, but at least it doesn't gape in the back, so there's that.  I probably wouldn't wear anything tucked in with these.  I should add that these hit me right at the bottom of my belly button, so they aren't really high rise on me (more just above mid-rise) but almost everything is contained, and this is pretty good for me.  The inseam is great, but might be too short on taller gals.  I'm 5'5" but have an extremely short inseam and these hit me right at the ankle without bunching much.  

Otherwise, the fit is good, and I'm reasonably comfortable in them.  I'd even go so far as to say I feel kind of powerful in them.  (Do you ever have clothing that makes you feel powerful?  Maybe it's just me).

37

A year ago today, I joined the gym near my house as a birthday present to myself.  My weight was spiraling out of control, my health was going down hill, and I felt I needed some intervention fast.  I started logging my food on My Fitness Pal, checking in here every so often, taking measurements once or twice a month.

I went to the gym every day except Sundays for several months, working my way up to 4 miles run/walking, plus lifting weights a couple of times a week.  At the end of August, I had the first of five endoscopies to deal with all my swallowing troubles, but it was just the beginning of a long health slide downward.  I went to a soft thick diet sometime in September, and haven't really gotten off it.  If anything, my options have grown smaller and smaller.  These days, I'm managing only a handful of things, usually with difficulty and stress.

With my nutrition so severely compromised, I found by late October that I no longer had the energy to get up at 4:30 and be to the gym by 5:00 and run my 4 miles.  I was barely functional by the time I got home from school drop off.  I did try going back to the gym in the middle of the winter, but I was in the middle of a spinal virus relapse and my gross motor function was pretty bad at that point.  I slowly recovered from the relapse early this spring, but then Birdie was hospitalized and remained sick for a lot of the spring (as well as the other kids), so I had to put everything on hold for a few months.  I started back to the gym in late May, going every day for a couple of weeks, and then in early June, I had my fifth endoscopy with dilation, and I've not felt well enough to work out since.


As for stats, I have lost 25 pounds since last July, but I've more or less plateaued since January.  I've been gaining and losing the same 3-4 pounds since then, and my measurements have been more or less stable (I've lost around 17 inches).  What I wrote in January about it all still more or less applies.

I'm eating between 1600-1800 calories a day, depending on my activity level, but not really losing.  I had hoped to be at my first weight benchmark (27 pounds lost) long before now.  I'm really fighting for those two pounds.  I realize 25 pounds is a goodly amount, but since I've had little progress (and some regression) in the last six months, it doesn't feel particularly sweet at the moment.  Right now, I have about 12 pounds to go before I hit my goal weight, but I try not to think beyond the next couple of pounds or I get overwhelmed.

So, today.  I'm 37 years old today, have started the long slide to menopause, and am still struggling with eating on many levels.  Mostly, I've forgotten how to eat, and I'm not sure where to start re-learning how, as things are still pretty dicey with both swallowing and the gastroparesis issues.  I'm going to keep fighting, because in the long run, I think it will help me feel better, but I have my days where I just wonder why I'm working so hard.  It is my cross to bear, part of the ascesis of my life.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby)

Me-Made May: Week 2

Left to right: 

Green Cookie Book dress, Liberty dress, Pots and Pans blouse with denim skirt, Yardley's dress, Red twill skirt, Bluebird dress, denim skirt

Another week gone!  It has been a pretty weird week, weather-wise.  Damp and cold, mostly, but a few warmish/humid days here and there.  Yesterday it got close to 80 with lots of humidity, but today it is back in the 50s and damp.  It is supposed to rain later, and the next few days will be cold again.  

I think you can see from this week and last week's photos that I've more or less sorted my transitional weather footwear.  I always struggle with what to put on my feet during these in-between seasons, because it is usually not the right weather for boots, but too cool yet for open toe sandals.  I cycled through a lot of options in March and early April before settling on these two pairs: a Birkenstock open-backed clog in taupe, second-hand from ebay (and a fraction of the price!), and an open-back strapped clog from Dansko in oiled brown, also second hand from ebay.  The Birks are fine, I guess.  I find the footbed feels strange, but I suppose I'll get used to it in time.  The Danskos are fabulous, as usual.  I can walk the 2 mile round trip to school in both pairs without pain, which is my primary objective with footwear these days.

They are perhaps not the most attractive shoes, but they are functional and comfortable, and I don't worry about blisters or arch issues when I wear them.  Cities are hard on footwear, so I need something that will hold up to the beating that my shoes take on the daily.  I've never been one to sacrifice comfort for fashion, but as I get older, I have even less patience for shoes that feel bad on my feet.

As for my handmades this week.  I had begun to think that my denim skirt was getting too big in the waist, but a cold wash and line dry seems to have fixed that right quick.  The Petersham interfacing really seems to snap back with washing.  I'm glad I didn't go to the trouble of unpicking the waistband and fiddling with it.  It may still need taking in this fall, but at least I can wear it through the end of this rotation.  I'm finding that having only two skirts this rotation is a bit limiting.  I think three is really a better number for me.  I've also had to rotate out a few pieces from beginning of the rotation and that has made this rotation feel kind of small.  I'm considering sewing an 11th hour Dottie Angel frock in another faux-Liberty lawn to add in for these last few weeks.

The Ivy League dress had issues right from the start, but it appears to have shrunk a little in the wash, and now fits rather badly through the shoulders and arms.  It was a little short to start with, and now is really too short to wear.  As a result, I'm thoroughly out of love with Michael Miller's fabrics--I've made about four or five things with them over the past year, and I'm just not impressed with how they hold up, how well they retain their size, and wrinkle; even sewing with them hasn't really been that great because of how the fabric is printed and the colors processed.  The blues in particular are not dyed through to the wrong side, so any unpicked stitches tend to create a run in the fabric that really shows.  

I'm sad to report that the pots and pans blouse is not holding up very well to wearing.  The risk when making up vintage fabric is that it will be brittle and strain at the seams.  The blouse is very loose and unfitted, but it is starting to pull and strain just under the arms.  There is a small hole in the fabric just under one arm already, and the other side is looking like it might do the same thing, so I think I will need to retire the blouse.  Perhaps I can make it into something that isn't a garment that will still be nice to look at.

I'm also sorry to report that I've gained three pounds since Bright Week, and while I know it is probably water, given the statistical unlikelihood that I've overeaten enough to gain three pounds of fat in a week and a half, I just feel gross.  I'm still tracking calories, trying to be careful, but I admit that I gave myself a bit of extra leeway during Bright Week that might be catching up with me now.  

I still have 15 pounds to go until I get in range of my goal.  I have a moon-shot goal of 25 pounds, but I would be happy if I hit the 15 pound mark and stayed there.  Truthfully, I'm not exercising enough.  I haven't really felt well since October, and my energy levels have been pretty bad since my food life took a hard hit late last summer.

I think I'm just frustrated with how limited my food life is, even when it should be a time of feasting.   We threw a Bright Week party with BBQ from a local place, and I really couldn't eat much of what we had on offer.  It made me kind of sad, even though the party was a lot of fun (we crammed about 45 people into our house, including about 18 children under age 10!). I have stomachaches and nausea constantly, and I frequently feel like my chest is on fire from the reflux that comes with my various GI conditions (I take a pretty high dose of medication to control it, but it appears to be breaking through anyway).  I've had some meals where I just throw caution to the wind and eat something healthy that I'm not supposed to have, but I always regret it afterward.  My doctors seem to have abandoned me to my fate.  I'm rather discouraged about the whole thing.  I'm trying to view it in light of the ascetic life, and see it as part of my spiritual path, but sometimes it gets the better of me.

But anyway.  I'm being morose.  Forgive me.  I think I will feel better if I can just get some things ticked off my to-do list this coming week.  My husband wants me to rebuild the guts of one of the toilets and I'm a bit nervous about it.  I e-mailed my dad about it to ask him some questions, and I'm sort of hoping he just tell me to call a plumber.

STATurday: Six Months

Six months ago, I went to my first appointment with a nutritionist who seemed like she could sort my dietary issues (which are numerous).  She was game to try, in any case.  I knew I needed to lose weight, get on top of my nutrition, and generally start making some changes.

I had a rocky start.

But at least it was a start.  A week later, I joined the gym and officially started on this crazy weight loss journey.  I had some modest success to start, and got into a good routine of working out, counting calories, and generally feeling good about the direction things were going.

Then, at the end of August, I had a routine endoscopy.  I have chronic dysphagia due to EoE, and it had gotten worse during the preceding months.  I hoped they would dilate my esophagus, which has helped a lot in the past.  That procedure sent me into a dark health tunnel that I think I'm only beginning to see daylight on.  Sometime in September, I moved to a soft thick diet that consisted primarily of Chex, cottage cheese, lite Swiss cheese slices, protein smoothies, Cream of Wheat, and the occasional mashed potato.  And dark chocolate, because it melts on the way down.  I had to watch my calorie intake very closely because it was easy to go over my daily limit on such foods.

Sometime in early November, I decided I had to stop working out because my nutritional profile was so poor and my fatigue so high.  My hair has been falling out again, and my skin and nails are terrible.  I still walk the boys to school most days, so I am getting some movement into my day, but I am no longer burning 1000 calories before 9:00 a.m. as before.

Since August, I've had several ER visits for food and medicine stuck in my throat, have aspirated a few pills, had some food impactions that I dealt with at home, a perforation scare, and had three more endoscopies, two with dilation.  A normal esophagus is 18 mm in diameter.  When we started the process of dilating it, in November, I was less than 8.  I'm now up to 15 mm, and am starting to eat a wider variety of foods again, but it has been a rocky road.

Eating and taking my daily medicines is a stressful experience for me. I'm now able to eat ground beef, and have had some modest successes with a few other foods, but I still have a lot of days where I can't face food getting stuck in my throat, so I go with what is now familiar and easy.  I also have a lot of days where food actually does still get stuck, so there's that.  And that is setting aside the allergy and digestive issues I have on top of all of this.  Most days, I just want to chuck it all out the window.

Needless to say, it has been a rough few months.  Today I went back to the gym.  It was the first day I felt I could manage it.  I decided to walk for two miles at 3.5 mph with 4.0 elevation, and stop at the end.  No pushing on, no seeing if I could run a few laps, just walking.  It was enough.  I had a 515 calorie burn, and I felt good after working out, but not destroyed for the rest of the day.  I'm quite tired today anyway, after a week of Birdie screaming/fussing every hour or two all night long, so I didn't want to push it.  We also just got word that my husband will argue another case before the Supreme Court this spring, so I know I have to pace myself for the next few months.

On to stats for today.  As of today, I'm down a total of 23 pounds, and 17.7 inches.  I'm wearing a medium on top and a large on the bottom in most brands now, and am ordering a whole size down at eShakti.  I've had to grade down my slopers and am sewing my Frankendress about a size smaller.  Some vintage pieces I thought would never fit again fit quite well now, and I've shrunk out of almost everything I made last year.  I still have about 12 pounds to my personal goal weight, but I'm within 5 pounds of the weight loss target that the trainer at the gym gave me in July.  I don't know how often I'll be getting to the gym, but I will keep moving as much as I can, staying active in my daily life, counting calories, and trying to improve my nutritional profile.

In short: I intend to keep on keeping on.

Yarn Along & STATurday: Finished Objects and Perfectionism

I'm a bit late to the Yarn Along party this week, but I just finished up my Ramona cardigan yesterday, and wanted to be able to show off something finished this week!  (I know, I didn't even blog about *starting* the Ramona cardigan.  Things have been kind of nuts here)

I'll start with STATurday, however, since it has been a while since I checked in about my weight loss progress.

First is the good news: I'm down 19 pounds since mid-July.  I'm actually shrinking out of clothing that was too tight in the spring.  I spent last Saturday taking in two skirts (and one of them is going to need to be taken in again soon), including the corduroy skirt I made less than two weeks ago.  I had to take both in about 2" on the side seams and I took in the waist of the cord skirt almost 4"!  I bought a wool Pendleton skirt on ebay that is two sizes smaller than my usual size.  It is slightly snug in the hips, but I think a few more pounds gone and it will fit just fine.

I've not actually taken my measurements for a while, but I think my clothing is a good metric of my losses.  I will be curious to see where I am when I do get out the measuring tape, however.

I can't really speak to my food life right now because the mess with my throat hit crisis proportions over the weekend, and I had to have another endoscopy (#3!) with dilation on Wednesday.  I have to have another one in about a month for the second stage of the dilation; until then, food is going down slowly, but at least I'm not having an impaction every other meal.  I'm still eating cautiously, however, and sticking to soft foods.  Needless to say, my appetite has taken a hit.  (Not a bad thing, just hard on my psyche--I worry about feeding tubes in my future)

As for my exercise, things have stalled out a bit.  I was getting into a good groove of running 6.0 mph every other lap for 3 miles, for a total of 38 minutes (I'm gunning for an 11 minute mile!), but this week, things just came to a standstill. Birdie has been sick for a while now, and she hit crisis over the weekend too, and ended up being home three days this week.  I was up all night with her on Sunday, and sleep deprivation really messes me up.  I didn't make it to the gym at all this week because I just couldn't drag myself out of bed before 5:00 a.m.  I did keep up walking the boys to school each day (2 miles round trip, plus an additional round trip on Wednesday because I couldn't drive after the dilation), so I felt that I was burning some calories anyway.  I'm trying not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good, but that is really hard for me.

Plus: a non-scale victory!  My actual wedding ring fits again.  I have a slender band in a bigger size that I bought when I was pregnant and have been wearing for the past several years, but I realized it was close to falling off all the time, so I tried my ring again and it fits great!

I'm trying to remember that this is a long game, and I need to pace myself.  I have four special needs children who are still very young, a busy husband who works long hours and my own health issues aren't going to go away.  I can't just snap my fingers and make everything work the way I want it to at the time I want it to.  And 19 pounds is nothing to sneeze at.  

(Keen-eyed viewers may recall that this chambray dress had a square neckline originally.  I liked it, but I didn't love the drag lines on the upper bodice, and I didn't like that I didn't have a single light weight cardigan that looked good with a square neckline, so I changed it to a u-neckline sometime in October.  I'm much happier with it now, as the new shape released the drag lines, and makes it much more versatile with my layering options).

On to my Ramona!  I loved willfulmina's version of the same, and immediately snapped up the pattern a few weeks ago.  I had ordered some merino worsted weight yarn from yarn.com that I decided would be perfect for the project.  It took a few gauge swatches, but I ended up knitting this on 10.5 circulars (I didn't size down for the cuffs and bands, but I sort of wish I had done the cuffs on 10s).  It was an incredibly fast knit.  I think I knit the whole body in less than a week (although I did go back and frog back about four inches, because the written length came out to a very unflattering place on my body.  *shakes fist at short waist*)  

I also frogged back an entire sleeve because I really despise working on dpns, and it was taking me forever to finish one sleeve because I hated the process so much.  I couldn't see doing it again on the second sleeve and still finishing this sweater before the end of the winter.  I ended up knitting them flat from the cap, and then seaming up the middle, which worked a charm and went very quickly.  The sleeves came out slightly too long (again with the short forearms!) but that is pretty normal for me in ready-to-wear.  I just turned back the cuffs once.  If I make this again (and I'm sure I will), I will omit the last round or two of decreases.  

I knit a 35.5" (S) size, because I'm finding that if I knit according to my full bust size (about 38" these days), I end up with a sweater that is way too big in the shoulders (this is what happened with the Almost Lady Gansey sweater I knit this summer.  I knit a size 40, but the shoulders just came out way too wide--the sleeve cap hit at a terrible spot on my upper arm.  I loved the color but ended up hating the fit and feel of it, so it ended up in a donation pile.  Remind me not to knit with acrylic yarn again).  I need to knit according to my upper bust, because then it fits fine in the shoulders.  Also: raglan sleeves are my friends.  I also prefer a slightly more fitted sweater, and often size down in ready-to-wear, so I think the same needs to apply to my own knitting.  

In any case, I'm pretty happy with this finished sweater.  The neckline is ever so slightly too wide, but I think that is a function of the raglans, and it doesn't bother me too much.  I used some random brown buttons I had bought on etsy a long time ago for something else, since I didn't have any green ones the right size that matched the yarn.  

I think the contrast is nice (and the buttons have a small amount of detail on the face that is interesting)  I do think I would change a few things for next time, but I will wear this one in any case.  The merino is very soft and warm (it suddenly turned quite cold!) and I really like the color.  It goes nicely with my fall and winter palettes.

Also: my boot search is complete!  Just in time too, as the heels on my Modcloth boots were almost flapping in the wind this week.  I sort of forget about Macy's as a place to check for this sort of thing, but they had the goods in the end.  

I got these boots on a great sale, and I'm so pleased with them.  The toe shape and heel height are perfect, they are real leather, they don't slouch around the ankles (I hate that!) and the shaft actually fits comfortably around the top of my calf.  (I got the regular width, and the buckle at the top can be adjust about 1/2", which was about right--my calves are about 15.5" around at the widest point).  I like the buckle detail, and I think that the sole is constructed in a way that could be resoled in the future if need be.  I wore them yesterday for the walking commute to school and I was totally comfortable.

As for reading, I just finished The Three Stations, one of the more recent Arkady Renko mysteries.  The pacing on this one was a bit slower than some of his other novels, and one of the plot lines was a real nail biter, but I'm happy with the way everything resolved.  I really enjoy the series and I love immersing myself in Russia every so often.  I think I have one more to read before I'm up to date.  I'm also continuing my background research about special ops for this character I'm developing.  

I finished season four of Person of Interest a week or two ago, and decided to start back over at the beginning again.  Like Alias, POI is even more enjoyable the second (or third!) time around because you can see things develop while knowing where it is going to end up.  There are details in the earlier seasons that make more sense in light of what happens at the end of season four.  I'm eager to see what happens this season.  I'm also watching Blindspot and The Blacklist this year.  I really loved Legends with Sean Bean, and am eager for season two (which is airing now, so will probably hit Netflix over the summer).  I keep meaning to pick up Homeland again, but after the dramatic conclusion of season three, I'm still kind of reeling from it.  I knew it was coming, I was prepared, but I need a bit more time before I jump back into that world.  

Linking up with Ginny for Yarn Along!

Just the facts:

Back to Basics Chambray dress: me-made, June 2015, modified October 2015

Ann Taylor brown knit shirt: ThredUp

Green Ramona cardigan: Valley Yarns Amherst in Jungle Green, Ramona cardigan from The Brown Stitch, random vintage brown plastic buttons from etsy

Holmes necklace: put together from findings on etsy

Earrings: bought in Ireland in 2010

Boots: b.o.c. Faye in Mahogany at Macy's