Talking Tuesday: Nigredo/Dark Night of the Soul

I've written a few times in this space about Rhyd Wildermuth's work; he has a unique voice and perspective that I find interesting and refreshing.  I don't agree with everything he writes, but he always gives me something to think about.

Rhyd's substack today was on what he calls nigredo, the part of the alchemy process where the elements are burned down to their most basic essence before being transformed into something else.  He writes:

"Nigredo isn’t a singular moment, however, but rather a repeating process. In alchemy, substances required multiple transformations, a repeating cycle from nigredo to rubedo and then back again. What we think we know and who we think we are likewise must be blackened repeatedly, “destroyed” (though never annihilated) and then reforged like the repeating seasons of the earth. We die, are born, and then die again so to be reborn, all the while still “living” and striving towards a time when the drives that defeat us and the drives that create us become lovers to each other." ~Rhyd Wildermuth, On Nigredo, FFrom the Forests of Arduinna Substack, 12/12/23

I love the imagery in that statement.  It's a different way of talking about theosis, even though Rhyd isn't talking about Christianity (indeed, he is a self-professed pagan).   I'm always interested in taking apart "churchy" words and phrases to get under what they really mean because sometimes words can be culturally drained of meaning by repetition.  Graham Pardun's Psalm translation project is very much after my heart in this way.

Later in the piece, he goes on to note that St. John of the Ladder describes this process at the Dark Night of the Soul.  As a fiction writer, this also resonated with me, since it is a key plot point in any good story.  The protagonist goes through a period where it seems all is lost, that everything they thought they knew is gone and they have to figure out how to go on from that.  

In stories, the Dark Night usually happens only once, but in life, Dark Nights are a feature, not a bug.  Something you thought you knew about yourself, or the world, or whatever, is blown to pieces and then you flounder like a fish on the bank of a stream, flopping about and gasping for air until you can work your way back into the water again to swim.  

Every year about this time, I start feeling a bit low.  I used to think it was because Christmas in my family is so special and I wasn't able to re-create it the same way with my own family.  I honestly felt like Christmas just got beat out of me at some point and it took me a while to find it again.  (Don't worry, I have plenty of lovely traditions with my kids and we have our own rhythm to things that is good, but it took a long time to get there).  

Lately, though I think it is really just part of the season.  I'm not much of one for podcasts because I'm a truly terrible aural learner; my brain wanders for a sec and I've lost the plot, but I've been listening to Spencer Klavan quite a bit this fall when I'm doing stuff around the house or running errands.  He's a very interesting and joyful guy who is so grounded and well-read.  I just finished his book and have very much enjoyed his Substack.  The podcast about C.S. Lewis and what he calls the Seven Loves was an amazing deep linguistic dive and The Ghosts of the Old Gods was also excellent.

Over the weekend, I listened to the podcast Spencer did with his sister about her new book, Christmas Karol, which is a creative retelling of Dickens' story.  Klavan's sister Faith is the keeper of Christmas in their family and loves the season.  She made the great observation that nostalgia and longing are baked in the cake of the holiday because it is the start of the march to the cross.  Even though it isn't explicitly in the holiday, it is in the underpainting, and I think most of us feel it on some level, even if we can't articulate what it is.  One of the gifts of the wise men is myrrh which is used to prepare a body for burial.  So it is there right at the start, pointing the way to where the journey to Bethlehem was going to end.  Of course, it ends in triumph with the resurrection on Pascha/Easter, but there is a long and lonely Dark Night of the Soul before we get there.  

I've thought a lot about longing lately.  It is the thing that propels us through life, really.  The cycle of nigredo and rubedo are the parts of our existence that make life worth living.  It is the striving, the yearning, the curiosity about the world and the people in it, the movement to the reforging of the self that gives meaning and makes us grow.  

So I think it is okay to sit in the darkness for a time, to see what it shows you.  Just don't make it a permanent dwelling place or, like Gollum, you'll forget how to live in the light.

Marking Time

Philip would have been 16 this year, and I find that the way I hold his memory has changed these past few years.  At first, I held my grief so tightly in my fist, afraid to let it go lest I forget somehow.  That letting it go would mean letting him go.  And then there was grieving a lot of other things in my life that felt hard to move away from.  I suppose the past couple of years have been about prising my fist open and letting in light and air, and finding that I don't need to keep it clenched like that to hold Philip near.  I still miss him, and wonder what might have been if he had lived, and I'll always love him, but it doesn't suck the air out of me the way it used to.  At least not most of the time.  Maybe that is acceptance.  

The Christmas season has just begun here, as we celebrate on the Julian calendar, so we are only three days in.  It's a busy time, with a birthday, two namesdays, and two major church feasts, plus another namesday coming close on the heels of it all, so we've got a lot on this month.  I'm trying to pace myself as best I can, which is one reason why I didn't do my annual year-end post.  Another reason is that I continue to pull back from online engagement of most types, as I find it doesn't serve me well.  A blogger I've read for a number of years who is at a similar age and stage to me wrote recently that much more of her middle-aged processing is internal and she finds she has less she wants to share.  That resonated with me. 

Maybe I'm just tired of the "move fast and break things" mindset of our age. I prefer "be still and mend things." With that in mind, my making is much slower these days. After the veritable flood of stress-sewing in 2021 and early 2022, I find I can hardly persuade myself to get my machine out to do even minor repairs lately. I've been using needle and thread whenever I can just to avoid it. And there are the inevitable body changes of middle age that have pushed my closet into flux. Again. I'm working hard to be okay with it all. So it goes. At least there's ThredUp and Ebay for thrifting. And my knitting needles are always occupied.

I'm supposed to give a few lectures on communism and the Soviets to the seniors at my kids' school in a few weeks and have been poking away at what I want to say since late summer.  And there's the two-part presentation I gave to the 4th graders on Russia last year that the teacher has asked me to give again this year sometime.  I gave a lecture to the 6th graders on medieval sacred music up to about 800 AD in the fall, and plan to do a second part on polyphonal medieval music sometime this spring, God-willing.  The first part covered the development of music in the Western and Eastern Christian churches, so I had to cover quite a bit of ground in 40 minutes' time.  Maybe I'll post the broad outlines of the music lectures here some time.  

So, my apologies for being somewhat AWOL here for a while.  I'm not really sure how many people still care to read what I have to say, but I'm glad for those of you who are still along for the ride.  Happy Christmas and New Year!

The Depth of Ourselves

Longtime readers will know that we live in a small house with inadequate built-in storage (read: basically no closets), and that managing the stuff of six people occupies a greater amount of my time than I would really like.  Too much "stuff" stresses me out, and frankly, I think it stresses my kids out, even though they still want to have new things, and have a hard time letting go of some other things to make room.  I have two children who are legit hoarders and their stuff just has to be gone through regularly to cull out the hair clippings, random trash from the playground, school papers, and other "treasures" they squirrel away.

The first few years that we had kids, the gifting at Christmas was a bit insane.  Don't get me wrong--I'm grateful that we have so many relatives who want to love our kids with physical gifts, and I know there are lots of kids out there who don't get any presents at all.  That said, my kids couldn't even process all the stuff they got, and since the fill-and-spill stage of play seemed to last FOREVER, it felt to me like it was just more stuff I had to pick up all the time.  One of my children always seemed unhappy on Christmas day, no matter what the presents were, and it was just so frustrating to me.

A few years ago, I decided to simplify things and do three gifts only--a book, a pajama, and a toy.  I realized that my kids were unable to handle surprises at that time, so they picked out exactly what they wanted, and each of the grandparents chose which of the three things they wanted to give the kids, and we gave the final gift.  (There were always a few little extras from aunts and cousins and friends, but just having the three main things was helpful).

It worked okay for a couple years, but I realized last year that things needed to shift (we substituted an "experience" for the book last year and the kids got a year-long membership to LegoLand).  This year, I decided throw the whole system out the window and let the kids pick out a number of toys each.

Why? I realized that my unhappy child was unhappy because that child feels good when there is a big pile of presents to open.  This child didn't want to have to choose just one thing, or two things, but felt guilty when unable to make a decision because the want was so strong and the stakes felt so high to make the "right" choice.  (I understand this feeling well).

We talked through it all in the weeks before Christmas, as each child sorted through what they wanted on their lists, and I saw that I had to let go of this vision of "simplicity" at Christmastime.  (This has been part of a larger picture of me letting go as a parent.  I have made a number of shifts in my thinking in the past year about how I want to parent my kids, and letting go of unrealistic expectations, and living where my kids are at is one of them.  I don't always succeed, but I'm trying).

My concern these days is less about the accumulation of "stuff" and more about the why of what they want.

Do they want a new toy because they just want it, or do they want it because they think it will fix something inside them that feels bad?  One child in particular struggles with this, and we've talked a lot about it over the past year as we've struggled through it together.  Every opportunity for gifts and purchasing has come with a conversation about why the desire for this thing is so desperately high.  Often it is because this child feels bad about something, and can't stand to live in those feelings.

So we are working on living in the bad feelings, and not using "things" to make the feelings go away.  Because actually, the things don't make the feelings go away.  At least not for good.  Sure, they might go away for a little while, but as soon as the "new toy" shine is off the thing, the bad feelings are back, and the desire for a new thing to fill that bad-feeling place is back.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn over the years as well.  If we are really honest with ourselves, I think most people living in this late capitalist period do this in some way or another.  I'm trying to learn to live in the bad feelings and go through them instead of trying to smother them with stuff or drown them with food.

At the same time, however, I don't want my kids to feel so deprived that they make reckless financial decisions as adults or spend their lives chasing things instead of building relationships.  It's a fine balance, to learn to live with less, make do and mend, to value and use what you have, but still feel that you are worthy of receiving love from others in the form of physical things.  Because gifts do speak about worth louder than words sometimes.   There's a reason why Gary Chapman identifies gift-giving or receiving as one of the five primary love languages.

I suppose what it really comes down to is exploring the reality and depth of love: what it is to love another person fully, to meet their needs how and where they are, and to affirm their worth and value in lots of different ways.

~

{It is Philip's day today, and while I'm certainly thinking about it, I have little to say about it today.  I'm unwell and emotionally exhausted, and I can't poke around inside myself to see what I find.  Thirteen years is a long time.}

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

The Gospel According to Luke:

11th Century, By Byzantinischer Maler um 1020 [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. 2 (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) 3 And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. 4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) 5 To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. 6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 7 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. 12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:1-14

7QT: St. Nicholas Edition

Phoning these in like Jen, because it is 2:02 on a Friday afternoon, Birdie is upstairs yelling in her crib, and most definitely not napping, the baby is sleeping on my lap, I'm STILL sick, and well, it is Friday.

--1--

My small table topper tree, since we can't manage a full-size one with the kids just yet.

Thursday was St. Nicholas Day, so I put up our Christmas decorations on Wednesday, as planned.  I scaled back my decorations this year, and didn't put up our ornament garland, which is usually the majority of my decorating effort.  I did get the Nativities up, and my tiny table-topper tree is on my craft desk, plus a few other touches here and there.  So it feels festive, but wasn't too much work.  

Coins in shoes, gifts from St. Nicholas!

A book each, and a Fireman Sam shirt

--2--

So this year is set to be the Fireman Sam Christmas, as both boys are super into Fireman Sam.  Haven't you heard of it?  I'm sure not.  It is a little Welsh cartoon that Netflix started offering to stream sometime this summer.  It is cute, and not too annoying, and has inspired hours of pretend fireman-play this fall.  I bought the boys some Fireman Sam story books earlier this fall and those have been almost nightly requests.

--3--

Station Officer Steele

The funny part is that my husband has never seen the show, and has the Station Officer Steele accent down pat.  Thursday morning, after the boys had put on their new shirts and eaten breakfast, as my very serious husband was trying to clean them up after breakfast, he broke into accent, saying, "Cridlington, Cridlington!  We must wipe off the mustard!"  He does a fair Cridlington impression too.

--4--

The downside to having your kids get into imported cartoons is that the merchandise has to come from overseas and is ruddy expensive!  But I know the action figures and fire engine and helicopter will get a lot of play, so I don't mind too much (plus the grandparents were good about getting some of it!)  There was a bit of a to-do with the shirts as I ordered two from a UK-based amazon seller, and only one arrived!  Ebay to the rescue, although I admit to a tense 30 minutes while I sorted it out.

--5--

Jesse Tree on the left, vintage Nativity on the right (waiting for Baby Jesus)

By the way, we are still mid-Advent, so miles to go before we sleep.  We started our Jesse Tree ornaments and readings last Saturday, and the boys seem to be enjoying it, although I think some of it is going over their heads.  They also enjoy our ritual of singing O Come O Come Emmanuel while we light the Advent wreath candles.  I'm thinking about how to carry it forward into Lent, since it does give a framework to the season.

These are Nativity icon cards we received in years past, and I just love them. Each one is unique, and I thought this was a good way to display them.

--6--

I've been working my Sherry Turkle reflection for the last three days and I think I'm to the point of having to put my hands in the air and walk away from the keyboard.  I have the post scheduled to go live tomorrow; hopefully it makes some sense.

--7--

Birdie.  Because, well, she's a force of nature.

Go see Jen for more quick takes!

Odds and Ends vol.1

I think I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and create a periodic feature of links to good articles I've found around ye olde internetz.  I read a lot of interesting/thought-provoking stuff, and I sometimes post the links to my personal Facebook page, but I'm thinking it might be nice to share them here too.  I usually have lots I'd like to say about these articles, but not the time to articulate them, but perhaps we can start a combox discussion instead.  I don't know how regular this feature will be, and I'll try to keep the link list reasonable.  I admit, this first list is a bit unwieldy, but there is so much good stuff here!

Rethinking the Nativity Story.  I love this piece, as it uses Ken Bailey's work on understanding the Bible in the Middle Eastern context to explain the Nativity story, and to reframe our ideas about Joseph, who, it turns out, was a good provider and a Godly man.  (Incidentally, I know Ken Bailey from years ago when I worked in the Twin Cities; I worked for Crossways International, and Dr. Bailey collaborated closely with Dr. Wendt.  He's a lovely and fascinating man, with lots of stories to tell).

And speaking of stories to tell, from The Atlantic: What Kids Learn from Hearing Family Stories.  As a historian, I think this is so, so important, not just in terms of how it benefits kids, but how it benefits the wider society to have a shared cultural narrative.  The loss of narrative in the post modern world is something that occupies a fair amount of my brain space.

From the New York Times: The Documented Life.  I'm working on a reflection on the themes of this piece, which resonated so strongly with me.

From Dreher: Exploring the Benedict Option.  Long, but worth reading.  From the article: "The purpose of the cocoon is to prepare the butterfly, not to be wrapped in yourself forever."

From a friend from seminary days: "Dear Stranger: A Sleep Deprived Mother's Plea"  We are thinking of starting a tumblr dedicated to plastic lawnmowers overturned in snow.

Get your tissues handy for this father's video of his son's first year of life, including 107 days in the NICU.


Just for Fun:

Middle Earth PSAs

The Evolution of Dance (parts 1 & 2): If you, like me, learned how to dance in the 1990s, but grew up on the music of the 1960s and 1970s, this is so funny!

Amazing Closet Office Transformation (although how this guy has a spare closet is beyond me)

From the Matt Walsh blog: Why Men are Bad Listeners

Vintage Beach Photos (there are more than 300 photos, covering the late 1890s up through the 1950s, and it is fascinating).  The photos put paid to the notion that women of yester-year were all short, skinny, with perfect 24" waists.  I say that not to defend the current obesity epidemic, which I think is real and serious, but rather to note that women come in a wide array of shapes and sizes, and being healthy is what matters most.  These women look healthy to me.  Plus the bathing costumes are great!

A 10 Month Old's Letter to Santa

7QT: On Advent, Plumbing, Fasting Crack, and Gifts

--1--

This year, I'm trying to introduce some kid-oriented Advent activities, as it seems like the boys are old enough to kind of get what is going on with the season.  In an effort not to stress myself out too much, however, I'm keeping it simple.  The Cradle to Cross candle wreath was kind of a bust, which is a shame, because it is beautiful, and well made.  It is simply too big for our table.  Boo nearly set himself on fire the first day we tried to use it, so I don't think we'll be using it while our kids are small and we have our current set up.  Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of horizontal surfaces in the house, and certainly none that big that can handle a lot of live flame.  I kept the donkey figure out, though, and pulled out the jury-rigged advent wreath from last year (to accomodate 6 candles instead of four, since our Fast is 40 days).  We've been lighting the first candle every night before supper and singing "O Come O Come Emmanuel" during the lighting.  It feels appropriate and good.

--2--

I love Nativity sets, and while I think I have a nice little collection for myself, they are mostly fragile and/or not at all kid-friendly.  I had in mind to buy the Melissa and Doug wooden set at some point, and decided this year was the year.  It is great!  Sturdy and well made, like all M&D toys, and has been getting a lot of play this week.  I kept the baby Jesus out of the set for now, and will add Him in after the Feast, like I do with all my sets.  

--3--

We're also doing a Jesse Tree this year.  We always did one when I was growing up, and I loved it!  I didn't have time to get all the materials from my mom to make the version we did as kids, but I found some free printables online, and just made something to get started this year.  I ordered a wooden dowel Jesse Tree from amazon to hang the ornaments on.  Maybe by next year I can make something better.  Or not.  We will start the readings on the 14th so that we end on Russian Orthodox Christmas on January 7.  We did start the Jesse Box readings last Sunday, but since those are only done on Sundays, I think we can stretch two 

Sundays out of it.

--4--

And since you asked, yes, we do have another toilet sitting in our living room.  The second floor toilet began acting up yesterday.  I snaked and plunged it as best I could, but ended up having to call Roto Rooter anyway, and my husband said, let's just replace it before it does it again.  So he stopped at Lowe's yesterday and picked up another toilet.  Our regular plumber will come next week to install it, hopefully.  Until then, we are just classy like that.

--5--

Speaking of Advent, let's talk quick a minute about fasting food.  I bought these chick'n nuggets from Whole Foods, since we like the patties, and boy, they are good.  Like, fasting crack good.  Like, I almost don't mind being allergic to chicken good.  I made them last night, and the kids liked them (huh--usually they don't go for normal "kid" fare), so I promptly bought some more this morning when I ran down to Whole Foods for a smoothies.

--6--

And smoothies.  I'm having a bit of a gastroparesis flare at the moment, so I'm sort of living on Naked Protein Double Berry smoothies until it passes.  Although, after two weeks, it is wearing a bit thin.  However, I am thankful for the mental break from food that a flare gives me, so that has to count for something, right?

--7--

I sent our Christmas cards this week, and also got my act together with gift cards and notes for teachers, babysitters, and delivery guys (we order a ton of stuff online, so we keep the post office and UPS guys busy--I feel like they should get a little something, especially as our regular postman and UPS guys are so nice and good at their jobs).  I made some of the cards in MDS, but I also made some gift card holders after I saw Alisha's version.  Mine is just adapted a tidge from hers.  They are so easy and fast to make!  I used Many Merry Messages, Perfect Blend and Gorgeous Grunge, and paired them with the dsp stack from last year.  (Incidentally, I wish GG came with a water ring stamp--then it would be the ideal grunging up stamp set!)

Go see Jen for more Quick Takes!

5 Favorites: Christmas Music Edition

Every year I try to buy a few Christmas albums, to add to our growing collection.  I try to steer away from contemporary artists and look for religious recordings.  Anonymous4 has some lovely sacred music for Christmas (The Cherry Tree, Wolcum Yule, and a couple other albums come to mind), but there are certain albums that just seem to herald the season for me.  I have favorites across all genres, and I wanted to list some of them, old and new.

--1--

Advent at Ephesus

When Jen reviewed the Angels and Saints at Ephesus album earlier this year, I promptly bought it like the good little lemming I am, and it is stunning.  Reminds me of the music I grew up listening to (as a Protestant, no less!).  I put their Advent album in my Amazon queue, waiting until November to purchase it.  We've been listening to it in rotation for the last week and it is gorgeous.  What I really love about the album is that all the songs are geared for Advent (the preparation) as opposed to the Feast.  Even my husband can get into this album during this time.

--2--

The King's Singers Christmas

I've had this album for several years, and it always gets heavy play during Advent because of the tone of the music, and the fact that it features several Advent hymns.  I love the King's Singers generally, and this album does not disappoint.  One of my favorite songs of all time is You Are the New Day (from an older album in the 1970s) and this album has a lovely rendition of it, with the lyrics made over for the Nativity.

--3--

The Piano Guys Christmas

I enjoyed their first album when it came out, and we listen to it frequently in the car.  They just released this Christmas album, and while I've yet to receive my CD copy, I've been listening to tracks on YouTube and it is phenomenal.  Angels We Have Heard on High is a treat, especially to watch.  

--4--

If On A Winter's Night

Technically, this isn't a Christmas album so much as a winter-themed album with some Christmas songs woven in.  It is so intimate and lovely.  The whole album begs you to cozy up to the fire with a mug of something hot while wearing thick socks and a heavy sweater.  

--5--

The Carpenter's Christmas Portrait album

This album just says Christmas to me, and it doesn't feel like Christmas until I've played it at least once.  I grew up listening to the record version, and the digital remaster doesn't disappoint.  There is some instrumental padding on the front end, but the LP is all there, with Karen's throaty vocals whisking me away to Christmases past.

Bonus:

Steve Green's Joy to the World is another perennial favorite, as is Glad's Christmas album. The Steve Green album I just have in an old old cassette that has seen better days, but I see I can get it now in mp3 format! 

Go see Hallie for more Favorites!

Thankful Thursday

So it begins.

Today is the first day of the Nativity Fast for Orthodox Christians on the Julian Calendar (Orthodox on the Gregorian calendar have been fasting for 2 weeks already and will celebrate Christ's birth on December 25 with the rest of the West), and we commence watchful waiting for 40 days.  As I wrote a week ago, this year I don't have the time or the energy for a lot of things during this season, so I'm scaling back a little.  

Our new Cradle-to-Cross candle wreath arrived just in time and I set it up this morning so we can light the first candle at supper time tonight.    Our Jesse box also arrived yesterday (I got it on crazy sale thanks to a nice code from Ana's blog) and I am planning to put that together this afternoon or tomorrow sometime.  

I dug out an Orthodox Advent calendar that I bought years ago but we never seem to remember to use because I decorate the house later in the season.  My husband took the older three kids to church for a Thanksgiving Molieben this morning at our parish in New Jersey, so I had a few hours to putter around in the basement and do some sorting.  While Ponchik napped for an hour this morning, I shop vac'd the concrete floor (our 19th century floor joists tend to shed little bits of debris over time) and moved some things around to access the under stair area where my Christmas decorations are stored.  I sorted through the boxes and bins and pulled out the things I plan to put up on the eve of St. Nicholas Day on the 18th and then put everything back as it was.  Most of my decorations consist of ornaments and garland to hang them on, and since I don't plan to put up either this year, it was easy to pull out the other things I wanted.  I found my harvest wreath, tucked away in a forgotten box under the stairs and hung it up too.  It felt good to have the time to do these things.

We had our official Thanksgiving meal on Tuesday so that we could have the turkey and potatoes with all the fixings.  Tonight will be a vegan Thanksgiving meal.  Nice, but not quite the same.  I'm thankful for many things today, too many to list, so I won't start.  

Blessings for the Fast.  

Living in a Material World

The material world is on my mind lately.  I wonder sometimes how far we have strayed from our vision of a simple life in the city (perhaps not at all, perhaps a lot; I don't have the advantage of time and perspective right now).  I'm feeling overburdened by the stuff in our house at the moment (I have four bags of stuff ready for donation, but lack the time and energy to get them somewhere since the convenient place I've been donating to for the last five years collapsed in a construction accident earlier this year).  The funny thing is what gives me energy is creating things, and I'm trying to tow that fine line between creating things that I can use and creating things just for the sake of keeping my hands busy and my creative itch scratched.

The holiday season makes me sad too.  We no longer travel to visit family for any of these holidays, and being off the Western calendar is still jarring to me, even after almost six years.  It is tempting to drown my sorrows in unproductive ways, like overindulging in food, or shopping, but as Matt Walsh pointed out earlier this week, consumerism is not the answer, nor does it help matters any.  (Incidentally, I think Mr. Walsh's article has quite a wide reach if you really think about it.  And I am thinking about it--how much time do I devote to feeding the consumer machine?  How skewed has my thinking become as a result?  I'm still pondering what needs to change in my life to pull back from what modern society says is normal, and get back to some traditional simple living.  But that is a post for another day).

We also have kids who are getting old enough to understand the whole concept of gifts, and Piglet's birthday falls on Christmas Eve, so that is always a tricky line to navigate as well.  (And having new things in the house is always hard for a while because of all the sensory issues around here)  In short, I'm feeling overwhelmed this year.  I have our cards ready to go to the printers, but I'm forgoing our traditional newsy letter for something much more streamlined.  I dislike it on the one hand because I feel like I'm giving in (to what, I don't know), but on the other hand, I feel that it is the only way I'm going to get a card out this year.  And it does hit the highlights in a sort of micro-blogging kind of way.  I know I should remember that I have a six month old baby, who is developmentally closer to four months, and three older kids who are still young and needy, and that I'm still not sleeping well at night (up every 60-90 minutes currently), so it doesn't take much to overwhelm my schedule or my feeling able to accomplish even a small task.  Everything is done in short bursts and my brain has a lot of trouble putting coherent thoughts together (so forgive me if this is stream of consciousness-rambling)

I've decided that this year, I'm going to take it easy on myself and try to scale back my own expectations.

I'm going to print off my simple card and be happy with it.

I'm going to keep the decorations very simple and put them up in time for St. Nicholas Day on December 19.  After several years' pondering, I finally ordered a Cradle to Cross wooden candle wreath that I'm hoping will arrive in time to use for Advent.  I'm not buying anything else to decorate with for Christmas--I'm going to use what I have.  I have a good stash now and feel good about my ability to get it up and keep the kids away from it for the duration.

We aren't going to attend our annual concerts this year (Anonymous4 and Messiah); evening childcare is too complicated right now, and frankly, I'm just too tired in the evening to want to go out.

I'm going to stick with my Focus T25 exercise routine and hope that my energy levels will catch up eventually (I'm in week four; it has to start getting better soon, right?)

I'm going to try and ignore my to-do list, and not take on any major organizing/cleaning projects until I feel better.

I will limit myself to browsing on etsy.  I put myself on a shopping moratorium a few weeks ago, and have mostly stuck to it, but I did end up purchasing a few skirts in the last few weeks as it is clear that my warm winter skirts from last year still do not fit and I just needed something as my sewing time is so limited.

I'm going to remind myself (and remind myself again) that my baby is only going to be six months old once, and that when she gets older, I don't want to regret not holding her more as a baby.  Whatever it is that I think needs doing can wait.

I don't expect that these things will hold the sadness at bay, or that I will be able to stay the course for the entire season, but I do hope that being mindful will give me a place to start.

Happy Christmas to All!

I'm sitting here pleasantly full after a lovely Christmas dinner of meatloaf, roasted potatoes, salad, chocolate milk, and fudge (a surprise from my mother in our Christmas box!), feeling quite content. My husband is reading a Sandra Boynton book to my toddler and the baby is in bed already, having tired himself out from the excitement of the day. (For those of you who are scratching your heads and saying, wait a minute, wasn't Christmas two weeks ago?, we are Orthodox Christians and celebrate Christmas on the Julian Calendar, which falls on January 7 every year). We have a white Christmas this year, having received a light dusting today, and we've had a great time together as a family. The next 12 days are a time of feasting, rejoicing, and presents! We have our annual family party on Sunday, to celebrate my toddler's third birthday, my husband's and my namesdays, and the baby's namesday. It should be a good time if the weather holds! We are expecting close to 50 people, so I'm hoping we can fit everyone in our small house.


My card today is a simple share that I CASEd from Claire Lawrence, who in turn CASEd it from Megan Bastow. Sometimes a good idea is a great one, right? I made 10 of these at the end of my Christmas card making season and overshot on the number I actually needed, so now I have a head start for next year!

Supplies:
Whisper White, Night of Navy cs
Northern Flurries EF
Four the Holidays stamp set
Rhinestones
Night of Navy ink

Digging out

Greetings, friends! I know my blogging has been sporadic this fall; I've decided that I'm not going to stress about it any more. Life gets in the way sometimes, and I'm finding that while I have time to create, I don't always have time to get the photos taken, edited and posted in a timely manner. So I'll post when I can. I know these years of little ones are fleeting and I'll have more time for blogging when my children are a bit older, so for now, I'll just keep on truckin'.

I'm sure most of you know that the Northeast received an incredible amount of snow last weekend; we were in Connecticut with my in-laws for the weekend, where we got 20" in about 12 hours--craziness!! (Let me tell you, 20" of snow+totally unchildproofed house+two small children, one of whom has more energy than sense=marginally controlled chaos). We did get home on Monday as planned, but our trip took a bit longer than it would normally because of the high winds and snow conditions on the highways. But we were safe and warm and we returned home to find our neighbor had kindly shoveled our sidewalk for us, and we even found a parking spot within half a block of the house that required only minimal shoveling! Yay for that!

But the snow has been melting steadily ever since. And now we are on to planning our own Christmas celebration on January 7--Russian Christmas. I put up the Christmas decorations for the first time in two years this week; it was so fun to pull out all my ornaments and put them up. I got rid of our tree this year because I can't see my three-year-old leaving a tree alone for 3 weeks, and instead, hung artificial garland from our bookcases and stairs, and hung the ornaments on that instead. It worked great! It is high enough to be out of reach, but really dresses up the living room.

I know it is December 31, but being the boring parents that we are, we have nothing planned, and will probably go to bed early! Best wishes for the New Year--I'm sure there will be a lot of exciting things in store!

I have two cards to share today. The first is one my favorite Christmas cards from this year's batch. I got this set late in the season, and made these cards sort of last minute, but I love them!The second card I mentioned a while back--these are the MDS baby thank you cards I made for a friend who had a baby boy at the beginning of December. I'm quite pleased with how they came out, and given that my hands are a chapped and cracked mess, My Digital Studio has been very helpful lately!

The inside--it is so easy to decorate the insides with MDS!

I've been workin' on the railroad, all the live long day!

No, not really. But I have been stamping like a madwoman whilst trying to get caught up from our vacation. I have pictures of what I've been working on, but haven't edited them yet, so today's post is just going to be a rundown of some of the (298!) cards I made in July for the troops and for friends who had babies. Some are original, some are CASEd from here and there, some are versions of cards I've made in the past, all are made with love. :) Enjoy!

Ice Skating in Bermuda Bay

I made this as a last minute addition to my Christmas cards, but since it is more winter-y that Christmas-y, I thought I could sneak it in now. :) It is CASEd from somewhere, and the only thing I changed was the snowflake--I used the Winter Post snowflake rather than the simple snowflake with the punch. I like my version just as well, though! What drew me to the card initially was the unusual color combination--I've not done well using Bermuda Bay in very many cards, and this was a nice bright happy card. The finished card measures 4.25x4.25 and fits great in a standard A2 envelope.

Supplies:
Whisper White, Bermuda Bay, Real Red cs
Winter Post stamp set
Whisper White craft, Bermuda bay marker, Real red classic ink
Clear rhinestone brad, paper snips, scallop border punch, Bermuda Bay polka dot grosgrain ribbon