Forgive me a digression into Deep Thoughts. I promise there is a card at the end of it, so if you don't want to read it all, just scroll on down to the end. Here's a sneak peek just so you know it is there:
When I was 18, I had to read
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis for a required Theology 101 class in college (yes, I went to the kind of college that required theology). My brash 18 year-old self hated the book and dismissed Lewis as a bumbling idiot. I discarded it and vowed never to read anything else by him again. (I had never gotten into the
Chronicles of Narnia as a child, preferring Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys to Lewis' fantasy world of Narnia). A few years after college, after my conversion to Orthodoxy and a lot of hard knocks had broken down the formerly brash version of myself, I took a job in Moscow and moved to Russia for what I thought was going to be a long time. It was there that I rediscovered Lewis.
I borrowed the first book in the space trilogy from a work colleague who had a large English-language library and devoured it. I quickly read the next two, hardly able to wrap my mind around the deeper philosophy of the fiction. Out of the Silent Planet whetted my appetite for more of Lewis. I read The Problem of Pain next, and found myself writing down a lot of excerpts from the book in my quote book. I read a few more books by Lewis during my time in Moscow and have continued to ruminate on them in the years since.
Now that I'm in my early thirties, I think about Lewis from time to time. I struggle often with the purpose of prayer. I sometimes think that there is no point to prayer because what is going to happen will happen, regardless of my praying about it. I admit that I don't take nearly enough time to pray and when I do, it is usually rushed, distracted, and hardly mindful. I've read many a mommy blog that tells me I should be using my middle-of-the-night vigils with the baby to pray. I do think of it when I'm up with the baby (or the toddler, for that matter) in the middle of the night, but in truth, I'm just so enraged at the loss of sleep and the realities of modern motherhood that I can't pray then.
So when I found myself woken at 4 a.m. this morning by a cranky baby who refused to go back to sleep after being fed and changed, I raged inside my head. I think most of us have an inner toddler who occasionally wants to have rolling-on-the-floor-foot-kicking-screaming tantrums, but being mature adults, we squelch the impulse. At 4 a.m., when the baby has had me up past midnight and my husband is away on business, I was having a harder time suppressing my inner toddler. I lay in bed and listened to Boo fuss and squirm in his crib as five minutes became 15 and 15 became 30 and then an hour and then two. I got up every 5-10 minutes to put in a paci, or rub his back, soothe him, rock him, swaddle him, etc., but inside, I raged at the injustice of it. I had woken up with a sore throat and still felt the vestiges of fever clinging to me and I just wanted to go back to sleep for a few more hours before my toddler was up for the day. I wanted to scream out loud as the fussing turned into full fledged wailing and I feared the crying would wake up my toddler who would then be up for the day. At that point, I brought the baby in bed with me and put up with his pummeling me before settling somewhat, during which time I started thinking about Lewis again. I raged in my head about the uselessness of prayer--hadn't I been begging God to put the baby back to sleep so that I could get some more rest? Hadn't I argued with God that I was recovering from an illness and that I was single parenting for a few days and needed my sleep? Hadn't I beseeched Him to let me sleep so I could have more patience with my toddler today?
Telling secrets.Then I remembered what Lewis wrote about prayer: "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God; it changes me." As I thought about that, my rage ebbed, and my inner toddler quieted. The more I thought about it, I became aware that my inner monologue had transformed into a dialogue of prayer. And felt some small change. So when my toddler woke up earlier than usual this morning because his diaper had leaked (and a bit cranky to boot), I sighed a bit with resignation and pushed myself out of bed to take care of it, but I didn't have an angry tirade in my head. I am desperately tired today, but I'm hoping it is nothing a little caffeine and sugar can't help. My throat is still sore, and I still feel the mild effects of a low-grade fever, but I will make it through this day. Not because God answered my prayer, but because I was somehow changed by it. Which is not to say that I'm not going to have this conversation again the next time I'm woken in the night, but I'll try to remind myself to pray, not because it changes God, but because it changes me.

Thank you to those who bore with me to this point. Today's card uses the
Mercy Kerin Tuesday sketch, which I used as a rough guide. I flipped the main elements and left out one, but I think it captures the spirit of it. I like this color combination, but I'm not sure how well it works with this card. I got a little pearl happy on this one--I kept thinking it needed something and kept adding; I hope I didn't overdo it. I'm still not sure on the verdict for this card. I stamped the floral from Elements of Style in Melon Mambo and then used a blender pen to swirl the ink from the stamped image around, which is why it is so light. I added a little Daffodil Delight to the centers of the flowers, colored the leaves in Wild Wasabi and added some Daffodil Delight sponging on the background to warm it up a bit. The trick with adhering the pearls is to pick them up between the blades of your paper snips or on the tip of your paper piercer--it keeps the adhesive back on the pearl instead of on your finger! Between my family and my husband's family, there are five birthdays, a few feastdays and one anniversary in October, so this card will definitely come in handy!
Supplies:
Melon Mambo, Tempting Turquoise, Daffodil Delight, Whisper White cs
Elements of Style stamp set
Melon Mambo, Tempting Turquoise, Daffodil Delight inks
Jewels: Pearls
Paper snips
dimensionals
circles #2 die, Perfect Details texturz plates (borrowed)
Melon Mambo grosgrain ribbon
scallop edge punch
1 3/4" circle punch