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| Ancient church of St. Catherine, Athens, Greece |
I finally finished Roger Scruton's
Notes from Underground and wanted to share a passage from the book. It's not a long book, but I will say that while the book starts out engaging and page-turning, the middle sags a bit, and then the ending is stunningly good. That's probably why it took me so long to get through it. I got bogged down in the middle. (In interests of honesty, I did "grad school read" the middle once I realized I was in danger of not finishing the book, but I have no regrets because if I'd given up, I'd have missed the great bits in the last quarter of the book). The book is set toward the end of the Cold War in Czechoslovakia, and follows a samizdat writer on a journey of discovery.
In the last quarter of the book, the narrator, Jan, has a number of conversations with a priest, Father Pavel. It is through these conversations that Jan moves toward a spiritual awareness. I wouldn't call his experience a conversion, necessarily, but he asks a lot of good questions, and becomes aware of the state of his soul. The following is a conversation between Fr. Pavel and Jan.
"'There is another person inside you, Jan, one who lives in imagination, who rejects reality as second best.'
'Is that how you read my life?'
'Your life is a fiction. You decided to love fictions, since they couldn't harm you. I am not referring to the girl from Divoká Šárka only, though it is important to learn that you imagined her. Nor are you the only person who lives this way. This is their greatest achievement, to divide our country in two, on the one hand the cynics who live without moral and who know the price of everything, and on the other hand the pure souls who know the price of nothing and who therefore recoil into the world of imagination to pursue their beautiful dreams.'
'And you,' I asked. 'Which are you?'
As suddenly as it had vanished, his old face returned, and he looked at me with that indescribable softness, brushing the lock of hair from his forehead and nodding as though in receipt of some undeniable truth.
'I know only that God has withdrawn from the world, and he makes each person feel this in his own way. Oh, I have had my share of phantoms. I have pursued imaginary loves just as you have. But i have learned to consign my life to what is absent and untouchable.'
'You talk in riddles, Father.'
'No, Jan, it is you who live in riddles. For a long time now you have wanted to talk to me about the thing that really matters in your life, and you have avoided it, as though all change were to come from outside you--a change in our political system, for instance, another invasion, a strike by the StB.'
'So what really matters in my life?'
Was it part of Father Pavel's duty as a priest to be prying in this way? I guessed that it was. For all his sophistication, he believed in that thing call the soul--
duše--whose name in Czech evokes the disarming softness of his manner. He believed in the other Jan inside me, the one who had never belonged to the world of daylight, and whose eternal destiny was Father Pavel's personal concern, But this too was fiction, and by believing it, Father Pavel put himself beside me, on a precarious ledge above the abyss of nothingness.
'Let me tell you first what matters to
them. It is not only that you must live, as Václav Havel says, within the lie. It is also that you must create a life in which truth and falsehood are no longer distinguishable, so that the only thing that counts is your own advantage, to be pursued in whatever way you can. By this means we learn to distrust each other, and every call to love enshrines a summons to betrayal. The precious element from which the soul itself is built, the element of sacrifice, which caused one person to lay down his life for the rest of us, this precious element is extracted from all our dealings and cast onto the dustheap of history. When I pray, I pray to that person who is the way, the truth, and the life.'
...
Sitting with Father Pavel in that ruined church, with the broken chairs piled up in one corner, two candles in cracked cups on the rickety altar, and the stained painting of the saint, and the windows smashed and boarded up, I knew that I was in a consecrated space, that all thought and speech had a different meaning here, as music has a different meaning when it is breathed into the silence. Father Pavel's God had withdrawn from the world, but as the sea withdraws, leaving behind it these little pools of clear water in which the spirit still lives. And whatever our condition, however tainted we were by those sordid calculations by which we were forced to live, we could bathe in these secret waters and be refreshed" (pp 191-194).
Excerpt:
Scruton, Roger.
Notes from Underground: A Novel. New York: Beaufort Books, 2014.