More Body Thoughts

The last couple of years, my internal thermostat has been off.  Way off.  I've always run a bit cold, but it seems I'm running even colder now (like my core is cold somehow).  But I notice in the past couple of weeks, as the weather has fluctuated between the high 40s and mid-80s, sometimes within a single day, I'm a bit warm.  I'm still running pretty cold overall, but when I'm warm, I can't get cool.  (And conversely, when I'm cold, I can't get warm).  It's super annoying to have a body that can't regulate itself. 

All that is to say, I find myself in my familiar conundrum for this time of year: what the heck am I going to wear now it is too warm for boots and sweaters??

At the risk of rank melodrama, a lot of my warm weather clothing hurts my feelings. 

Lemme 'splain. 

Last Friday, I took a ruler and a pair of scissors to my red M7353 (my Pascha dress last year, sadly neglected this year) and cut off the sleeves and shortened it quite a bit.  I had already taken up the hem in the hopes that I would want to wear it shorter, but it still languished in my closet.  I couldn't even bring myself to wear it on Pascha.  Part of the problem is that a red dress is just so very...red.  Part of it is that I'm not really in love with the M7353 anymore, although I couldn't say why.  It's a flattering style on me, and comfortable, but I just feel very "meh" in it.

I put it on and took a couple of pictures, and while I wouldn't say I felt awesome in the altered dress, I did feel different in my body in that moment.  A bit more...powerful, perhaps.  Like: See?  I have arms and legs.  Get over it.  I've spent a lot of my adult life feeling ashamed about my body.  There are a myriad of reasons for this, most of which I'm not going to share publicly, but suffice to say, I'm climbing a mountain of baggage to work through it.

Powerful is not a word I would use to describe my feelings about my body lately.  I have not felt awesome in my body.  I had a couple of pieces in my late winter/early spring rotation that felt great, but as the weather has turned a bit more balmy, I find I'm at loose ends with it all.  All my Everyday Skirts make me feel bloated and whale-like, and I only have my two fitted denim skirts for warmer weather.  (And frankly, one of the denim skirts has major fit issues that I can't figure out).

I love the color of this skirt, and it looks great as long as I don't move at all in it.  Otherwise, it poofs and the waistband rolls, and I'm generally fussing with it all.the.livelong.day.  Pretty much the story of my Everyday skirts right now.

I'm between sizes in ready-to-wear and most of my me-made clothes are sloppy.  It's a weird place to be--having almost no clothes I want to wear (and fit well), and really no idea of what to make or buy to replace them.

Stasia Savasuk would say to just try things until something clicks, and to use my power words to feel good about it, but I'm struggling.  I've learned to use my words about what I do in the past year or so: "I'm a writer, I work from home," but I'm still working on the body stuff: My body is strong, my body is good, my body has housed five humans. The clothes are wrong, not my body.

But at the end of the day, the body that confronts me in the mirror is not a body I recognize.  The seven or eight pounds I gained last summer continue to hang around, and I fear I'm just continuing to gain.  I hate that I give the number on the scale so much power over me.  It's just a number.  The questions I should be asking are: do I feel strong in this?  Does this feel quirky?  Does it feel whimsical and interesting?  Powerful?  Does it make my today body feel loved and appreciated?

I've also been having a think about why I only feel good in my body when it feels "small" to me.  Sometimes this is literal--the size tag on the garment is small (or a lower number), sometimes it is more ephemeral--I just "feel" small in something.  Because big feels wrong somehow.  Why is that?  Why do I have this voice in my head telling me that it is wrong to take up too much space in the world?  What is "too much" anyway?  Why is "big" or expansive (by whatever definition) somehow less dignified or worthy?

Today I pulled out every piece of clothing I own and put it on.  (Well, most of it).  I looked at it in the mirror and assessed how everything felt on my body, and how things fit and looked.  Turns out that a big chunk of it needs to go.  Some of it just didn't fit me that well (either too big or too small, or too poofy, or needed more alteration than I am willing to make), and some of it just didn't suit my aesthetic.  With 40 staring me in the face, I find my tastes are changing rapidly.  Which is fine, because my bins were feeling a bit full.  The price of going through a transition within yourself is that it often manifests in the closet somehow.

It's not really about the clothes.  But it is, because we all have to get dressed every day.  So I'm going to give myself some grace about the flux of fabric through my hands these past months, and be grateful that I was able to wear all of it, many times, and look with curiosity to what this next phase will bring, sartorially and otherwise.

Yarn Along: May

~knitting~

I finished my Stoker pullover sweater and....it doesn't fit.  It blocked out really big, and putting it through the dryer didn't really help that much.  The color does me no favors, and I just don't like it.  Blerg.

I finished a little gray hat, which fits just as I want it to.  I made the smallest size for once, and made the crown height shorter, and that seems to be the right combo for the way I like to wear these.

The Lightweight Pullover is progressing apace.  I nearly pulled it out to make an Owls pullover, but decided to keep on keeping on, and I'm glad I did.  I'm past the torture part (the 9" collar and raglan increases) and now just working the body.  I think it will be nice for late fall, assuming it fits well.

~reading~

I finished a bunch of Lenten reading right before Pascha, namely Father Alexander Men's Inner Step Toward God (very good), plus dipping into Meditations for Holy Week.  I read a chapter or two in The Benedict Option as well.  

I started in on St. John Chryostom's Marriage and Family Life after devouring Philip Sherrard's Christianity and Eros.  Sherrard's book is slim but dense, and his third essay is kind of bonkers, but the other three are well worth the price of admission.

After reading a snippet of The Wilderness Journal somewhere else, I decided to give that book a go next.  I say that with hesitation, as I did not care for her last book at all, but I'm willing to be open-minded about this one, based on what I read so far.  

I have a book by Czesław Miłosz waiting on my stack as well.

~sewing~

I made a couple of lawn dresses for Birdie from some of my old dresses, a begged-for strawberry dress (four years running now), plus a birthday dress for Ponchik (photos coming soon).  

I reused the pockets from my dress, which worked a treat.

This fabric (below) was my absolute favorite of all the Liberty lawn knock off dresses I've made, but I had to come to terms with the fact that a) the style no longer suits me and b) the dress itself was a bit long in the teeth after four seasons heavy wearing.  It was still good enough in the middle to cut down for a little girl dress, however, so I'm glad to be able to see this fabric on my girls for a few more summers!  I cut it long and it has 1" of hem that can be let down, plus the elastic could be let out.

Reused the pockets on this one too.

I made a strawberry dress for Birdie out of some Penny Rose fabric several summers ago, and she was super sad when it didn't fit anymore, so now I've had to come up with a new strawberry dress a couple years running.  Last year's strawberry dress went into Ponchik's drawer this year.  Birdie was super sad about it and asked for another.  So here is iteration number 3!!

It's pretty cute if I do say so myself. (I used Simplicity 8101 for all three dresses because a) they are easy and fast to make, and are super easy to cut down my old dresses for and b) the girls can dress themselves in these dresses, unlike the Geranium which requires a bit of input from me).  I also think the S8101 is a better play dress.

I also made another plain denim skirt for me, out of the leftovers from my Maudie skirt.  On the left is the Maudie skirt, on the right the new one.  It is slightly shorter and bit more pegged at the hem.

I lined the pockets with my favorite Liberty knock off lawn (that I remade Birdie's dress out of).  There are fumes of both fabrics left now.

I ended up having to take in both skirts last week, since the Maudie skirt had gotten too big, and the new one drooped weirdly in the back because of poor fit on the backside.  

Both fit much better now.  I also did a few alterations to some other things in my closet, but I'm not super happy with them.  My skirt situation needs some serious attention.  

~writing~

I'm still querying agents for the manuscript, and starting to work with feedback from beta readers.  (I plan to have another round of beta reading in June).  I sent off a query to FSG, which was terrifying. #punchingabovemyweight  #wayabove

~watching~

All kinds of random stuff I've seen before because I need comfort watching and nothing new is especially appealing.  I'm looking forward to The Spanish Princess on Starz later this month.  I have a couple of foreign films in my queue that I really do want to see, but I haven't been in the right headspace to absorb them properly, so I'm waiting to watch them.

Although!  I did go to an actual movie theater on Tuesday to see Avengers: End Game.  It was worth every penny--I won't spoil it for anyone, but it is a completely satisfying ending to the long story arc that the MCU has been working on all these years.  Well done!!

That's all for me!  Linking with Ginny for Yarn Along.