Marking Time

Philip would have been 16 this year, and I find that the way I hold his memory has changed these past few years.  At first, I held my grief so tightly in my fist, afraid to let it go lest I forget somehow.  That letting it go would mean letting him go.  And then there was grieving a lot of other things in my life that felt hard to move away from.  I suppose the past couple of years have been about prising my fist open and letting in light and air, and finding that I don't need to keep it clenched like that to hold Philip near.  I still miss him, and wonder what might have been if he had lived, and I'll always love him, but it doesn't suck the air out of me the way it used to.  At least not most of the time.  Maybe that is acceptance.  

The Christmas season has just begun here, as we celebrate on the Julian calendar, so we are only three days in.  It's a busy time, with a birthday, two namesdays, and two major church feasts, plus another namesday coming close on the heels of it all, so we've got a lot on this month.  I'm trying to pace myself as best I can, which is one reason why I didn't do my annual year-end post.  Another reason is that I continue to pull back from online engagement of most types, as I find it doesn't serve me well.  A blogger I've read for a number of years who is at a similar age and stage to me wrote recently that much more of her middle-aged processing is internal and she finds she has less she wants to share.  That resonated with me. 

Maybe I'm just tired of the "move fast and break things" mindset of our age. I prefer "be still and mend things." With that in mind, my making is much slower these days. After the veritable flood of stress-sewing in 2021 and early 2022, I find I can hardly persuade myself to get my machine out to do even minor repairs lately. I've been using needle and thread whenever I can just to avoid it. And there are the inevitable body changes of middle age that have pushed my closet into flux. Again. I'm working hard to be okay with it all. So it goes. At least there's ThredUp and Ebay for thrifting. And my knitting needles are always occupied.

I'm supposed to give a few lectures on communism and the Soviets to the seniors at my kids' school in a few weeks and have been poking away at what I want to say since late summer.  And there's the two-part presentation I gave to the 4th graders on Russia last year that the teacher has asked me to give again this year sometime.  I gave a lecture to the 6th graders on medieval sacred music up to about 800 AD in the fall, and plan to do a second part on polyphonal medieval music sometime this spring, God-willing.  The first part covered the development of music in the Western and Eastern Christian churches, so I had to cover quite a bit of ground in 40 minutes' time.  Maybe I'll post the broad outlines of the music lectures here some time.  

So, my apologies for being somewhat AWOL here for a while.  I'm not really sure how many people still care to read what I have to say, but I'm glad for those of you who are still along for the ride.  Happy Christmas and New Year!

Pottering About

I don't have anything pithy to share today; we have a short stretch of remote schooling, and my mind has turned to mush.  I also realized this weekend that I feel best when I'm doing stuff that is not computer- or phone-based, and so have tried to limit my time where I can.  (Yesterday was a complete disaster in that regard; turns out being off my phone and computer for more than 48 hours left me with a lot of loose ends that needed tying up).  Today has been more intermittent, so that's good.

I'm pottering with jewelry making, and made an orange bead necklace to match the earrings I showed earlier this month.  I've been wearing it with an orange jersey dress I thrifted last month.

The silver earrings below are a pair I bought last year on etsy (they are styled after Aethelflaed's earrings on The Last Kingdom) and I love them, but the original earring post was so thick that they hurt my ears.  I realized if I swapped the post out for an earwire, the earrings would be a lot more wearable.  It was a three-minute fix and I've worn them a bunch of times since then.

A while back I cleared out a bunch of jewelry I wasn't wearing any longer either because it was too heavy, not my style, or was broken, and I realized I can harvest them for parts for new pieces.  I have in mind to make some gifts as well. The owl charm (below) was a pair of earrings originally, and while I like the owls (it is our school mascot), they were too big for my face.  So I separated them from the earwires, added a jump ring and put one on a necklace chain.  I'm saving the other one for a possible teacher gift.  I made the earrings to coordinate.

On the Thanksgiving prep front, the turkey went into the crock pot last night and spent the night cooking.  The smell was disorienting in the night, but it looks pretty decent today.  I had ordered a breast and, much to my dismay, got "upgraded" to a full turkey for free.  The frozen turkey was bigger than the space in my freezer and I couldn't quite fit it in my 7 qt crock pot.  In a bit of a panic, I baked it frozen at a low temperature for two hours yesterday, covered with foil and sitting in a water bath, just to make it flexible enough to break the sternum and rib cage so that I could fit the thing into my crock pot.  It was a tight fit, but I made it!  

Today I roasted the sweet potatoes, and made one of the pies.  I need to take things in small bites, so I have a list of what I need to make each day, so hopefully on Thursday, I only have to reheat most of it.

We're nearly into the Nativity fast as well, so I'm also trying to have us eat down the non-fasting food in the freezer and fridge.  

 

Andrea Mowry came out with her Stripes pattern last week, and I immediately threw my knitting queue to the wind and dove into my stash to cast it on--I very rarely do this!  The picture above is from my attempts to figure out which colors to put where.  I think I have enough to make it, and in similar colors to her cropped version on the cover of the pattern (which I adore, by the way).  I was determined to make this a stash-buster sweater, so I am using light worsted superwash on a few stripes, but my tension is such that it works out okay.  I've just had to adjust my row count. The not-nice thing is having to swatch all the yarns for gauge, but at least three are the same yarn in different color ways, so that helps.  

I don't love short rows, but I found a little tutorial for picking up wraps that is better than anything else I've seen, so that helps.  I also figured out how to read on my kindle while knitting, so I've been enjoying Sarah J. Maas' Throne of Glass.  I just finished re-reading the Court of Roses and Thorns series (ahead of the next book's release in Feb) and was eager to stay with the author's style and genre.  I don't like Throne of Glass quite as much (and her writing has improved since that one), but it is a long series, so I can see sticking with it.

That's it for me today!  I'm off to knit a few more rows....

Nine years in the eye of the storm

Nine years ago, Birdie exploded into our lives like a cannon shot.  She was born hours ahead of Hurricane Irene, and her personality and temperament are less of the Irenic variety and more of the hurricane. 

My mom, the master multi-tasker.

With Piglet.  He was fascinated with her.  At least at first.  These days they spend a lot of time arguing about game rules.

Boo was barely more than a baby himself, so we had to make sure he was gentle with her.  But they have a sweet (but complicated) relationship now.

I looked through baby photos today, and was again reminded of how fragile she was that first year especially, when I didn't have a good handle on her medical issues, and she fell further and further behind developmentally.  Not that it is so obvious in the photos, unless you look at the photos of her at 8-9 months and realize that she is struggling to hold her head up and cannot sit up unassisted.  Or how tiny she is relative to her age. 

But man.  That girl.  (We say that a lot around here: That Girl).  She is indomitable.  She is a force of nature, and I suppose it is that strength that has carried her through all the years of respiratory crisis and severe illness--just sheer effort of will.

She's more of a tomboy than a girly girl, but does love to dress up in princess costumes and to have her toenails painted pink.  But she prefers to run and move, hang from the gymnastics swing, and get dirty and climb things.  She's a great artist, and I look forward to seeing how her skill develops as she gets older.  She wants to know everything (she devoured the When There is No Doctor book, and surprises me constantly with random bits of medical knowledge), and her observations are spare and hilarious.  ("How do you make ice cream?  You get a goat, and freeze it!")

As for me, I'm still sifting through all the baggage I carry around from the years of sleeping no more than 2 hours at a time (if I was lucky) and being constantly (constantly) on alert for new health crises, my brain a mush of medication schedules and pharmacy refills, and late night calls to the doctor.  The management of it was so heavy. 

 

 

 

Whenever I'm tempted to get frustrated with her impulsiveness or her excess energy, I remind myself that we weren't sure if she would ever walk, or if she would ever be healthy looking.  She was frail and her skin tight on her bones for so long, it is hard to make sense of the robust girl I see now.  Her hair is healthy and long, rather than wispy and falling out all the time from the stress of chronic illness.  There have been some dental consequences to the medical interventions given in her early years to keep her alive, but on the whole, they have been relatively minor, and compared with the alternative, I'll take the teeth problems any day of the week.

Having a medically fragile child changes you, profoundly, as a parent.  But she's nine today, and doing well, so I'll take it.

Of Birthdays, Jade Songbirds, and Haircuts in the Quarantine

I'm 41 today, which feels about right.  My body is getting older, and I can feel it (and see it).  But that's okay, really.  My body is my home, and I'm settled in for the duration. 

A couple of weeks ago, I fell in love with some cotton lawn on Hart's Fabric website, but paused a bit about the price.  The cost was above my usual comfort zone, but it was extra wide yardage, and I knew I could get a dress out of my usual yardage enough left over to make an Emerald or a dress for one of the girls.  I've been impressed with how lawn wears over time, so hopefully it will be a dress that sees lots of wear.

I knew that the Lepidoptera dress was a fail for me, and wanted to have one more lawn dress option in my hot weather closet because the heat is just never-ending this year.  It started around Memorial Day weekend, and there really hasn't been a break since--high humidity, temps in the 90s most days.  Gross.  It also means that while I can technically get more than one wearing out of my clothes, I generally don't like to because it is harder to get the fabric clean, which means it wears out faster. 

This summer reminds me of the summer of 2011, when we had six weeks of heat dome that included temps over 100 degrees plus high humidity.  I was 7-8 months pregnant with Birdie at the time and we don't have central AC (and in 2011, we only had one floor unit in the office/guest room to keep the computer cool), so it was a fairly miserable summer. She was born at the end of August, just ahead of Hurricane Irene (apt, given her personality).

But I digress, as usual.  So I bought the fabric (admittedly, somewhat impulsively, but I decided it would be a birthday dress) and made it up almost as soon as it arrived, shortly after finishing my husband's replacement kombu.  I've gotten away from florals these past couple of years, and while this is technically a floral, it is somewhat more botanical than ditsy print (and those colors!!), so it works. 

I did have to make it in stages because of how my sewing time was that week, but I even made my own bias tape for the neck binding!  I did the continuous method for the first time, using an 8x8" square and it worked a treat!  My husband spotted my bias tape maker case sitting on a cabinet after I was done and was intrigued.  

My only change to the pattern was to put a bit of elastic in the back of the waist ties for comfort.  I don't know why I didn't think of this before--my one complaint about this dress pattern is that while it is very comfortable overall, the ties need to be adjusted throughout the day because: woven fabric. 

So I split the waist tie in the middle, added about 11" of knit elastic to the gap, zig-zagging the edges to the elastic, and then ran it through the casing with a bodkin.  (I did this with Ponchik's Butterfly dress ties as well and it worked a treat). What a difference!  So comfortable, unbinding, but yet flattering waist-shaping.  I also think it doesn't shift around as much in the casing.  Perfect in disgusting heat. 

Incidentally, I cut my hair Monday, after being unable to get a haircut myself for probably two years.  I've been cutting the boys' hair every month or so since early in the lockdown, and cut my husband's hair once (that was nerve-wracking!) and cut the girls' hair over the weekend--just a little trim for them. 

My hair has gotten increasingly unwieldy not because of the length but because of the frizz and thinning.  I've had to get pretty creative to cover the areas where my scalp shows through.  I still do curly girl hair care, and it does help, but the ends were thin and scraggly, so I flipped my hair over after a wash and trimmed off about 1.5" all around, cutting carefully in sections.  My hair is so thin this wasn't too hard, but  I ended up cutting long layers in my hair by doing it this way. 

That said, the shorter layers actually look pretty good!  I probably just need to find a salon that is open (it is still hit or miss for that here; we aren't totally in green phase yet) and get the back trimmed up even more, because what is scraggly still is the ends on the bottom in the back and I can't reach that as well to get a nice even cut.  I'm wearing my hair up almost all the time right now anyway, so it's not that noticeable, but once it cools down, I'll probably want it down again.

I have no firm plans for today--maybe I'll put together my Cedar Sweater pdf at long last, or cut out some more gigantic undies (more on that in separate post), or work on something for a friend.  Or maybe I'll just knit in a chair and watch something.  Or forge on with Slezkine.  Maybe all those things!  The day is my oyster!

Father's Day Part II

So what to say about my husband and the father of my children on this Father's Day?  (He doesn't read my blog, so this isn't really for him).  He's a fairly private person, so I will say less and let the pictures speak instead (we were a bit newer then...).

Brand new baby Piglet

Also with Piglet, the fantastical non-sleeping baby.  Don't be fooled by the seemingly closed eyes.

Baby Boo

With brand new baby Birdie

With Ponchik

 Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day Part I

Happy Father's Day to my dad!  How to talk about my dad?  I have a great dad who set a high bar for the other men in my life.  He is someone who came from less than ideal circumstances, but leaned heavily on the Lord, sought out Godly men to mentor and guide him in his early adult life, so that later, he would go on to mentor and guide others, as well as be an effective partner and parent.  

My dad with me, a couple hours old

 He was very present in my growing-up years, an otter who loved to play, had big ideas, and was always ready to get on the ground for a round of Wrestle-mania and the Evil Slime Pit, or to read books, play games, or build things. 

I was probably six or seven months here.

My outfit had ruffles all across the bum and he made up a whole song about it called "Ruffle Buns."

My dad is one of those people who spots stuff on the side of the road and brings it home and makes something amazing.  When my sisters and I were young, he made us an airplane that we could ride in out of found materials.  It was awesome.  He is able to fix almost anything, and did several remodels in our various houses by himself.   

 

Reading to me and my sister.

He taught me how to fish.  I think that was the biggest one I ever caught.

My dad has always worked to live, not the other way around, but he taught by his example a strong work ethic, and that no job was beneath him.  He did a lot of menial work to put himself through pharmacy school, and then worked night shifts to later put himself through seminary.  When times were tough when I was growing up, he always said he would do whatever it took to keep food on the table, even if it meant working at McDonald's.  He would have too.  He is quick to do housework to help my mom (or me, when he visits!) and has long been the chief cook and bottle washer on Sundays.    

I made him a fisherman's cake for his birthday sometime in high school.

He is a steady hand in times of trouble, steering the ship of our family with a graceful and peaceful spirit.  He is very slow to anger, patient and kind.  He always takes the high road in the face of conflict, and seeks to be a peacemaker, but he also taught us to stand on our principles even when they are unpopular in a crowd.  When he is wrong, he is quick to apologize and make it right.

Playing Wrestlemania in the Evil Slime Pit with Piglet

He delights in the beauty of creation and has spent many years cultivating a garden and working the clay of the yard to make it blossom with green things.  His sense of humor is unique, and all of us girls have endured many of his fanciful made-up nicknames and accompanying songs and terrible-in-the-best-way jokes over the years.  (Mine is Birdurls.  Don't ask).   

Walking with Boo.

With Birdie.

He is smooth on his feet and played ice hockey in college, and we all learned our mad roller-skating moves from him.  He is an introvert who loves to perform (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...) and has acted in many church plays over the years (he did a particularly good turn as Mr. Potter in a stage production of It's a Wonderful Life), and assisted with building the sets for my mom who managed the stage.  

Makin' muffins with Birdie and Piglet

He is sweet and considerate of all the women in his life, but most especially my mom, whom he adores and strives to show it every day.  He volunteered to purchase feminine products when we were growing up, and was never embarrassed about the realities of being the lone male in a household of women (he grew up with a lot of sisters).    

He ran a little workshop with the boys one year to teach them some basics about how to use a screw driver and hammer and some other tools.

 

He has endured a tremendous amount of physical pain from various orthopedic issues and numerous surgeries, but he rarely complains, and you will almost never know that he is hurting all day, every day.  He loves a home-cooked meal (we rarely ate out growing up), but is never fussy about food; he is just happy to have it on his plate.    

With Ponchik.

My sisters and me and my dad, from a while back (2012?)

 He was thrilled to become a grandpa (or Papou, as my kids call him), and wanted to be the best and most fun Papou around.  (I think he succeeded).  He still plays legos and games, reads stories, and teaches the grandkids all sorts of handy skills, and I'm so grateful for all the time my kids get to have with him.    

Father's Day 2015

I'm so blessed to have him as my dad.  Happy Father's Day, Dad!