I've been mulling over where my food train got derailed this summer, and while I can point to a number of different things--gastroparesis flare, ongoing viral infection, cancer scare, high stress summer, etc., at the end of the day, I think my biggest problem is that I got bored.
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| Tomato sandwiches! |
When I started my keto-ish diet in the summer of 2017, I was desperate for a change. I was still eating a relatively small range of foods to accommodate all my swallowing issues, and my blood sugar was all over the place (I have always struggled with hypoglycemia). I was mostly living on Cream of Wheat, baked potatoes, the odd sweet potato, and Chex. And Milky Way bars. *facepalm* It was not the Road to Healthfulness.
When I did some research on a ketogenic approach, it was the first way of eating that was mostly foods I was able to tolerate. (Paleo is too fiber-intensive for gastroparesis and most other food plans are rely too heavily upon chicken and/or nuts, both of which I'm allergic to).
Armed with a bunch of new recipes and raw determination, I set off on my merry way, dropped 10 more pounds, started feeling much better, and then...I don't know. I made keto-ish foods for my family but got sticker shock at the amount we were spending on groceries. Keto is not budget-friendly if you have boys to feed and can only eat beef, and my girls can eat as much as the boys sometimes! The keto meals I made went over extremely well. So well in fact, that there were no leftovers, so the price-per-meal was staggering. We may as well have been getting takeaway every day.
Once we got into the Nativity Fast, I couldn't keep serving the rest of the family keto meals (there are really no vegan-friendly keto foods unless you want to drink olive oil all day), so I started making fasting-friendly things for them and something keto for myself. (Long ago, my father-confessor gave me a blessing to keep a heavily-modified fast, given the rather extreme complications of my food life).
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| Spinach pies--a treat after so many years! |
It is a lot to keep up with, since I would prepare a full meal for my family, and then have to make something else for myself from scratch. I've mostly been doing dual meal prep since then, and frankly, I got tired of it. I don't love to cook, and planning/preparing meals for six people every day (and twice on the weekends) is a chore. We had two pretty long fasts this summer, and I couldn't keep up. I started defaulting to eggs and bacon because they were fast and easy.
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| keto caprese omlette |
Sometime in August, I discovered I could eat more things, and I was suddenly able to swallow bread again. It was a feast after the famine, and I broadened my culinary horizons to include grains, some legumes, and some greens, but gained ten pounds doing so. I'm not happy about this, but neither am I happy about going back to eggs and bacon all the time.
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| Cheeseburger Pie! |
I mentioned this to my therapist recently, and she said she thought it was because I wasn't getting satisfaction from my meals. Yes, my meals were fuel for the road, but I wasn't getting "full" so to speak. Even the so-called "cheat" foods I was having didn't really satisfy me--it was more a craving in my mind for something that I thought was food. Turns out, those cravings are probably not for food per se but for relief from all the stress of my life. Heh.
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This one was okay. I ended up leaving some of the bacon and naan for another meal.
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In the past month, I've tried a lot of different things, from the Noom weight loss app (decided not to continue after the free trial), to getting back on the keto wagon train, to intermittent fasting, but nothing really stuck. I kept choosing tomatoes on toast and English muffins, cereal, and other grain-loaded carbs.
At the end of the day, I'm just tired of food. Tired of the constant restrictions, tired of the numerous food decisions I have to make for my family and then make again for myself. Times three meals a day, seven days a week.
So here is where I am right this minute is: eating regular food with the rest of my family at regular times. Huh. I decided that I can't give up bread right now, after so many years without. (We are having a lot of simple grilled cheese or quesadilla type meals lately, and making another meal for myself on those days is just.one.more.thing). And I feel okay when I eat bread, so I don't have a strong reason not to.
I also wonder what it says about our society that so many of us feel that we have to cut out entire food groups or exercise for five hours a day in order to look a particular way. (I always remember reading an article in People magazine a few years ago, where different celebrities were interviewed about what they ate on a particular day, and I remember one woman saying that she had to exercise all morning to justify a small portion of pasta for dinner that night. The rest of her food day was...spartan. How sad is that?)
It's kind of a weird and interesting place to be--eating regular foods, without a lot of restrictions--and one I have to relearn, after 3+ years of nearly always having to make myself something separate, often at different times from everyone else so as not to lose my mind. (I worried greatly about the effect of having a mother not eating in front of them was having on my children, having seen that effect elsewhere to negative results. 'Nuff said).
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keto BLT
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So I have to relearn the practice of portion control, and get back in touch with my body's signals. Anyone with hypoglycemia will tell you that it teaches you to be afraid of hunger--of going too long without food. The consequences can be rather unpleasant. The intermittent fasting I did this month helped me to overcome that (again). I suspect it will be a lesson I have to learn again and again. But I do actually feel okay after meals--satisfied, mostly. I have some bad habits I need to work on, but I'm noticing that my cravings are better under control, and I can talk myself down from them (mostly). It doesn't have anything to do with the specific foods I'm eating or not eating, but I do think it has a lot to do with giving myself permission to eat everything I'm not allergic to, but not to overdo it on anything. It's not the path to weight loss, but I'm taking a short break while I get my head back in order.
I also purchased a pedometer--Noom was helping me to keep track of my steps, and while I like the feature, I do not like having to carry a phone around with me all day, every day, so this little device is easy to slide into my pocket. I'm hitting my target most days just doing my normal stuff, so that is good. I guess those 47 stairs in my house are counting for something!
I also started walking a bit more in the afternoon with my school pick up routine; the neuroma in my foot is pretty unhappy with all this humidity, but I'm happy if I can go halfway (about 3/4 mile) before picking up the bus. Sometimes I walk the whole way and sometimes I catch the bus near my house, but I try not to beat myself up if I do a little less. My days are pretty jam packed at the moment, and I think having one less thing to think about is helpful right now.
I'm more or less maintaining about eight pounds above where I was mid-summer, and that is okay right now. I also remember reading Geneen Roth about seven years ago when I was really working through a lot of my food issues, and she said sometimes you have to gain a bit while you are relearning how to have a normal relationship with food. So that's where I am at the moment. At least my clothes (mostly) still fit. I've got a post brewing about that and will finish it soon.
I realize this is probably interesting only to me, but I find it helpful to have a record of these things to refer back to.
