37

A year ago today, I joined the gym near my house as a birthday present to myself.  My weight was spiraling out of control, my health was going down hill, and I felt I needed some intervention fast.  I started logging my food on My Fitness Pal, checking in here every so often, taking measurements once or twice a month.

I went to the gym every day except Sundays for several months, working my way up to 4 miles run/walking, plus lifting weights a couple of times a week.  At the end of August, I had the first of five endoscopies to deal with all my swallowing troubles, but it was just the beginning of a long health slide downward.  I went to a soft thick diet sometime in September, and haven't really gotten off it.  If anything, my options have grown smaller and smaller.  These days, I'm managing only a handful of things, usually with difficulty and stress.

With my nutrition so severely compromised, I found by late October that I no longer had the energy to get up at 4:30 and be to the gym by 5:00 and run my 4 miles.  I was barely functional by the time I got home from school drop off.  I did try going back to the gym in the middle of the winter, but I was in the middle of a spinal virus relapse and my gross motor function was pretty bad at that point.  I slowly recovered from the relapse early this spring, but then Birdie was hospitalized and remained sick for a lot of the spring (as well as the other kids), so I had to put everything on hold for a few months.  I started back to the gym in late May, going every day for a couple of weeks, and then in early June, I had my fifth endoscopy with dilation, and I've not felt well enough to work out since.


As for stats, I have lost 25 pounds since last July, but I've more or less plateaued since January.  I've been gaining and losing the same 3-4 pounds since then, and my measurements have been more or less stable (I've lost around 17 inches).  What I wrote in January about it all still more or less applies.

I'm eating between 1600-1800 calories a day, depending on my activity level, but not really losing.  I had hoped to be at my first weight benchmark (27 pounds lost) long before now.  I'm really fighting for those two pounds.  I realize 25 pounds is a goodly amount, but since I've had little progress (and some regression) in the last six months, it doesn't feel particularly sweet at the moment.  Right now, I have about 12 pounds to go before I hit my goal weight, but I try not to think beyond the next couple of pounds or I get overwhelmed.

So, today.  I'm 37 years old today, have started the long slide to menopause, and am still struggling with eating on many levels.  Mostly, I've forgotten how to eat, and I'm not sure where to start re-learning how, as things are still pretty dicey with both swallowing and the gastroparesis issues.  I'm going to keep fighting, because in the long run, I think it will help me feel better, but I have my days where I just wonder why I'm working so hard.  It is my cross to bear, part of the ascesis of my life.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby)