Headfirst into the Wall

Lately, I find myself running headfirst into a wall called reality.  I make plans, do research, dream big dreams, think big thoughts, and then, BAM, life intervenes.  We are in the middle of a pretty tough season with the kids, health-wise.  The last eight weeks have been almost non-stop with illness, ER watch, ER visit, hospital admission, viral respiratory infection layered upon viral respiratory infection with a few bacterial infections, plus a nice GI bug or two thrown in for variety.   Coming after a pretty challenging late summer and early fall, the illness, the worry, the isolation, the fatigue--it presses on me.

I find that a lot of my creative energy has drained away, at least temporarily.  I have two projects in the hopper, both half-finished, and absolutely no desire to sew them.  I keep thinking about them, picking at the details, the problems that made me shelve them to start with, the tricky bits that make me want to throw them in the bin and never think about them again.  I want someone else to finish them for me, it is that bad right now.  It is really hard for me to walk away from unfinished projects--they nag me from their cabinet.  It is like clothing that doesn't fit--it calls me from the closet or the storage bin, nagging me, crowding my mind, taunting my feeble efforts to get my body back after five babies and eight years of serious sleep deprivation.  (To be fair, my body was never some svelte thing, but it was better than it is now).

I've found myself knitting a lot lately, because it requires less of me.  I'm researching some essays I want to write about historical dress, body image, clothing fit, and some other related topics.  It is not a bad way to spend my (admittedly limited) free time, but it just feels so unproductive somehow.  I have cotton waiting to be made into 1930s style dresses!  Linen that needs to be finished into a shift!  Flannel that needs to be finished as a jacket!  It is quite ridiculous, really.  I have quite enough clothing.  Yet, I find myself trying on three or four outfits every morning and discarding them one by one.  Nothing feels right.  It doesn't help that a lot of my clothing is either a tad big or a tad small, depending on where I'm at in my cycle and how well my gut is feeling.  I want my long hair back, but like how this shorter layered style masks how thin and patchy my hair has become.  I'm dreadfully cold all the time, but have occasional hot flashes thanks to some seriously messed up hormones, so I'm struggling to find appropriate layering options.   I vacillate between wanting to wear completely shapeless garments with long baggy sweaters (of which I own exactly zero) and my normal fitted 1930s/1940s silhouette.

Anyway.  Forgive my long ramblings about First World Problems.  On the bright side, I've got the back and most of the front of a sweater completed, and this one is shaping up well (fingers crossed that I actually want to wear it).  Perhaps the lesson of this season is to do what I can with what is in front of me, and right now, that is wool and needles.  And try to let it be enough.