Death is funny--it marks you forever, changes who you are irrevocably. Sometimes the change is small, something you can carry in a corner of your mind, to examine periodically, and then tuck away again. Sometimes the change is so tidal that you don't recognize who you were before.
 |
| from Uncut Mountain Supply |
I've been thinking about this day on and off all week. Some years I find myself going over the events of the week, running over the timeline in my mind over and over again, wondering what we could have done differently to change the outcome (nothing). Some years, like this year, I mark time in the week before by simply repeating his name to myself like a heartbeat. Philip. Two syllables, liquid on the tongue, but so full. I no longer keep his memory book on display, and the flowers that I dried from the graveside service finally began to crumble this year. It is okay, I realized. You can't stay in the eye of the storm of grief forever, and at some point, you take a step forward, and then another, and then another, until you can turn around and see the hurricane behind you. The wind still whips at your back and howls in your ears sometimes, but at least you can turn your back on it now instead of having to face it full on with your chest to the maelstrom.
I miss him, so so much. Rest easy upon the bosom of Abraham, our beloved sweet boy.
(((Hugs)))... and love. and lighting of a candle for him today.
ReplyDeleteThe child who made you a mother <3 Memory Eternal to Philip. Christ is born <3
ReplyDeleteMay Philip's memory be eternal! (((Hugs))) to you. I'm looking forward to having my back to the storm.
ReplyDeleteI never thought I'd be here, frankly. And it is still true that sometimes I blink, and I'm right back in the eye of it again. Grief is funny that way--it spirals around, circles back on itself, moves forward, goes back.
Deleteblessings and love my dear friend. beautifully written.
ReplyDelete