Twelve

I feel somewhat obliged to write something about this day today, but I find I do not have the words to do so.  It is not that this year is particularly hard in terms of my grief journey; it isn't.  Twelve years ago, Philip left us for the bosom of Abraham.  I've written a fair bit about it over the years, and I have nothing new to add. 

I'm melancholy today, and I have been hyper-aware of the date, but mostly it has just been a day like any other. 

I do reflect a bit more on grief these days, in part because it is the backbone of my book, but also because it changes over time, as I have changed over time.  Twelve years is a long time to live without someone.

But it has become bearable, the absence.  A note in the background, rather than the symphony of my life.

Yarn Along: January

~knitting~

Another Carbeth!  This time a bright daffodil yellow cardigan.  I'm so happy with it.  I wore it unblocked on Friday, like the rebel I am, and then promptly blocked it that evening. 

The stitches loosened up quite a bit, so I tossed it in the dryer for a few minutes to even everything out and tighten it up again.  (I used super wash wool). 

 It is a new yarn to me: Carlton Supreme, which is a 100% merino superwash wool.  I bought navy and a dark purple as well.  

My only complaint is that the yarn isn't spun very tightly, so the individual strands can sometimes be split by not being careful where you put your needle, but it is relatively easy to put the strands back together, so there's that.

 I'll be curious to see how well it wears over time.  It's nice and soft, and comparable to DK Swish, I think. 

I'm planning to start a shawl with some hand-dyed Chickadee that I've had for a while, and I just cast on a navy Carbeth cardigan in the same Carlton Supreme as well. 

After that, I have the Lightweight Pullover in my queue, and a shawlette thing in a deep teal blue.

~reading~

The Intimacy Factor, which examines Myers-Briggs personality types and how they interact in a marriage relationship.  I bought it mostly as research for my novel, but it had a lot of great insights, and I realized a few things about my own personality that I'm noodling along.  I'll write more about that later.

I also finished a book about writing called The Emotional Craft of Fiction by Donald Maass, which was super helpful at this stage of the game.  I put the second draft of the novel to bed on Old Calendar St. Nicholas Day, and have been letting it sit on ice this month before I hit the ground running after Theophany for the next round of edits.  Maass' book gave me some concrete things to work on in the next round of edits.  I'm starting to be impatient for the book to be "done" enough to start shopping it to agents, but I know I can't rush this part or it will just bite me later.

I'm still working on Madeleine L'Engle's Two-Part Invention, which is the story of her marriage to Hugh Franklin.  It's very very good reading.

I re-read a few writing manuals I read last year and found a few helpful things for this stage of my book as well.  I also plowed through a couple of backgrounder books that were helpful to read right now.  They will help me as I deepen the work during this next revision stage.

I've made absolutely zero progress on Kristen Lavransdatter--I just can't get into it.  Maybe it will just have to wait for the future.

~sewing~

Nothing, really.  I can show you my Christmas dress, which I made in November and have been saving until now.

It's another Frankenwashi, in Washi brushed flannel from Cotton+Steel.  So, a Washi-Washi.  Heh.  

It is made on the same block as my Night Owl dress, and while I think I got the elastic in the back slightly too high, it looks okay.  

I'm mostly happy with it, except that the fabric is pretty thin, and I ended up needing a cardigan over the top of these layers as well.  I also added some red woolen tall socks to warm up my legs.  I don't realize how warm my long skirts really are until I wear something shorter and I'm freezing!

The white cowl was just the thing.

But it was a festive dress for a festive day, and I was glad I had it to wear.

It was festive without being over the top, I think.

Otherwise, I've just been darning my tights and Ponchik's mittens.  I started using sock yarn to darn the tights instead of embroidery floss, and I think I like it better, even though the darning is a bit more difficult.  It seems like the darns hold better and are more robust.

~watching~

The Last Kingdom is my new favorite thing--I can't believe it took me so long to start watching it.  I love Alexander Deymon--he carries the show very well and is so enjoyable to watch.  The writing is great and I love how the religious conflicts are addressed.  It is a super interesting period of time to me (during the Danish invasion of Britain in the 800s) and it followed on well to a Viking exhibit I took the kids too over the winter break.

A quirky indie called Juliet, Naked, which was a mostly light film with Ethan Hawke and Rose Bryne.

Finally, The Death of Stalin is a must-see.  It is so ridiculous and funny and yet thought-provoking about the time.  The whole cast was note-perfect, and I enjoyed every minute.  (I especially enjoyed Jason Isaacs' scene-chewing role as Marshal Zyuganov)

I also watched Pixar's Inside Out on the recommendation of someone or other and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This is more under listening, but if you want a sublime concert experience, watch Sting's live concert from Durham Cathedral, where he performs the music from A Winter's Night (one of his best albums in my opinion).  I have been a huge Sting fan since the Ten Summner's Dreams album, and I love how smart and thoughtful his music is.  His music talks to my soul.  (Check out his Songs from the Labyrinth for a truly wonderful album of John Donne readings with some instrumental music).  I am one of those weirdos who loved The Soul Cages and The Last Ship (his two best regular albums, if you ask me) and the live concert of The Last Ship is also very enjoyable.

Linking with Ginny for Yarn Along!

Curly Girl Hair

Fall 1997; I used to have a LOT of hair!

It seems frivolous to write about hair, but honestly, hair is so defining.  I don't get a lot of comments on my visage generally, but I've received many nice compliments about my hair over the years.  I  have usually worn it long, although I did cut it quite short briefly in my early 20s when my hair loss was extreme and I needed to find a style that hid the patchy spots. 

Summer 2003, not my best look.  It was shorter when I first cut it.

Since then, however, I've mostly kept it below shoulder length.  The continued hair loss means I'll never wear it waist-length as I once did, but I've pretty much made my peace with it.  

Spring 2008 (with my niece)

That said, over the past however many years, I've mostly worn my hair up, because it only looked decent on the day I washed it.  I don't love how my hair looks up, however, so that is a lot of time to be unhappy with hair.

All tied up. October 2008  I was newer then.

About two years ago, I got serious about dealing with my curly hair and about figuring out how to style it properly, instead of just tying it up all the time.  I've always had textured hair, but it has only gotten curlier as I've gotten older. 

Winter 2015

I don't mind this a bit--I rather like having curls, but I will say, as a relatively low-maintenance person, I've struggled to know what to do with my hair, particularly after the first-day washing, as it would frizz out and generally not look great until my next wash.

Winter 2015

I got into a habit of washing infrequently, on the good advice of a stylist, and I started using products specifically formulated for curly hair, all of which helped.  I also stopped used a regular towel to dry my hair and switched to a jersey towel (like a t-shirt), which helped a bit too. 

Trust me when I say my hair was a frizz monster this day.

About a year and a half ago, I got my first keratin treatment (also on the good advice of the same stylist) which helped my curls look nice and not frizz out.  My stylist also recommended a leave-in that contained keratin, and that has helped a lot over the past year or so.

Summer 2018; with my great-nephew

Recently, however, I felt that all those things weren't quite enough, as my hair looked frizzy and dry even right after washing and adding a ton of conditioner.  I debated a cut, but then considered the probable effect on my husband's heart function (not good) and thought better of it.  I ran across some videos on YouTube, one of which recommended a Curly Girl method, which is basically to stop shampooing your hair, and instead, use a specific type of conditioner on it, and then a water-based gel afterward, with lots of scrunching and t-shirt drying.  The method also discourages using a comb or brush, something my stylist has been urging me to quit anyway.

I thought it was worth a shot, so I tried it!  The first week or so was great.  My second and third-day hair looked so much better, and my wash day hair was fabulous.  Nice tight curls that were soft and defined.  I found it relatively easy to finger comb my hair in the shower and then scrunch it with the towel and then lightly finger comb again after getting out of the shower. 

2nd day hair, the first week.  I never get second day curls like this.  Never.

The second week, not so much.  The conditioning balm I used to cleanse my hair wasn't really doing it, and my hair looked limp and greasy even right after.  So I went back to shampoo and conditioner and keratin with a curly-hair gel, and it looks much better again.  I may have to rotate what I do in order to keep it looking nice, but for now, that is what seems to be working well.  I've noticed over the years that curly hair tends to resist routines and does better when products and methods are varied.

I also find that refreshing my hair on the second or third day varies--sometimes getting it mostly wet in the shower is fine, but other times, my roots get too wet and my hair looks really flat on top.  Some days it works very well to just run my wet hands through my hair in the shower to dampen but not thoroughly soak it.  I suppose I will just have to experiment to see what seems best.  And maybe all these things will work at one time or another.  Mostly, I'm happier with how my hair looks on a daily basis, so that is good! 

It's really difficult to photograph your hair at home.  But this was a good hair day--it was 2nd or 3rd day hair, and the curls were nicely defined and the top wasn't frizzy.  (I promise I will be blogging about that sweater soon!)

I find I am more peaceful in my body these days.  I've been stalking following Stasia Savasuk on Instagram this fall, and so much of what she says about bodies and acceptance is what I need to hear right now.  I still have work to do, but I think I'm on my way.  40: I'm coming for you.

Well, that was a lot of blather about hair!  Goodness sakes.  I was head-down with the book during November and December and so didn't have much time to blog. I put the book on ice when the kids were home on winter break, and need to let it sit for another two before I pick up the manuscript again.  After the Twelve Days, I plan to get back at it.  In the meantime, I can catch up on my blog post backlog--I have several partial posts sitting in my drafts folder.  Hopefully, I can get them all out!

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve for us, and Piglet's birthday (he was actually born on a Sunday morning!) so we will be preparing for Christmas and then celebrating the feast on Monday!  I'm hoping to get a Yarn Along post out sometime this week.

Yarn Along: December

~knitting~

A Carbeth!!  I wrote about my Shetland style arc last month, and I dove right into making a Carbeth pullover sweater shortly after.  I had unwound my Yellow Brick Road cardigan last winter, after wearing it a few times and not being happy with how it fit or looked on me, and was wondering what to do with the reclaimed yarn.  

I love having that color in my closet, but I couldn't settle on a pattern.  Then I realized that I could double the yarn and make gauge for the Carbeth, so off I went!  I didn't have quite enough for the whole sweater on hand, so I had order a couple more skeins, but this project went fast!  I would have been done in under a week if I hadn't had to wait for yarn.

I got it off needles on Saturday and promptly wore it to church on Sunday, without blocking it.  I loved it!!  I did block it on Sunday night, and I think the body of the sweater blocked slightly longer than it had been.  

I'm going to try and block out 2" from the body next time, as it looks better when it just skims my waistband, but the sleeves blocked out better than they were, and the collar is just right now.  It is superwash wool (worsted Swish in Jade from KnitPicks) so lacking that, I can always tighten it up in the dryer without worry.

I used Tasha's mods on the body to make it tapered at the waist, since boxy sweaters tend not to look great on me.  I'm quite chuffed with the result.  Also: it is super warm, and I am all about warm this season.

Weird action shot, but it shows the lines of the back neck nicely!

I also ordered some DK merino yarn around Thanksgiving during a great sale on Little Knits.  I was looking for yarn for Hannah Fettig's Lightweight Pullover, but I realized I could double it up for a Carbeth Cardigan instead.  I had gotten some yellow bulky yarn for it, but I didn't love the color, and this daisy merino is just what I wanted, so I swatched it yesterday and cast on last night.  So fast and satisfying--I'm really looking forward to wearing this one!

I'm still going to make the Lightweight Pullover--I'd bought yarn to make two, so I'll probably use the navy or purple yarn for that.  (Although I might end up with a navy Carbeth, who knows.  I have enough yarn for either).

I also darned Ponchik's mittens again.  I had darned them last winter with dark green yarn, so I went ahead and darned the new places with the same.

I should probably add that I gave away my Major John Andre Rivel to a friend.  It just didn't look right on me and while I liked how it fit in the shoulders and I found the process of knitting it enjoyable, I didn't like the way the body looked.  It looks fabulous on my friend, so I'm glad it has a nice home!!  I also gave my Gemini to a dear friend and it looks WAY better on her than it ever did on me.  I'm so happy about it!

~reading~

I finished Stasiland (excellent) and The Kremlin's Candidate (abrupt ending), and started on Jasper Fford's Lost in a Good Book (hilarious!) I also restarted Kristen Lavransdatter, although I am finding it slow going.  

I also just got this book: 

and I'm eager to read it soon.

~writing~

The big binder with the yellow post its is the messy first draft.

I'm in full revision mode on the novel, and finished integrating the first round of edits yesterday.  I'm making a big global POV change (from first person to third limited), so that is going to take a bit of doing.  I spent several hours yesterday on it, and my eyes were crossed by the end.  My next task is to print a clean copy and make an editorial map to make sure each scene and chapter has a purpose and that all the plot points hang together nicely.  

~watching~

First Reformed--excellent film, although the ending is kind of bonkers.  I wish there were more films like this that were really grappling with what it is to have faith, especially in our current age.  It's interesting to me that Paul Schrader is the guy asking these questions.  I thought Ethan Hawke's performance was great.  My only quibble (aside from the ending) is that someone did not do their homework about the Reformed Church.  No Reformed pastor is going to wear a clerical collar, and he certainly wouldn't wear an alb in the service.  And communion doesn't look like that.  I think someone was trying to make it look Anglican.  Which is fine, except the church is clearly Reformed!

Also watched Wings of Desire, which was a slow film, but worth it.  Lots of existential questions there.  I think I still prefer City of Angels, which is based on Wings of Desire, but they are both good.

There is a foreign mini series on Amazon that I recommend: Maximillian and Marie De Bourgone, which is about the late medieval period in Europe, and the conflicts between the Holy Roman Emperor, Burgundy, and France.  Fascinating to watch and extremely well done.

I think I mentioned Bodyguard on Netflix last month, but if not, watch it!  Richard Madden and Keely Hawes are so good in it.  It's also just been nominated for a bunch of awards, all well-deserved.

~listening~

Roman Hurko's Vespers album is wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  My secular playlist is a little sad right now, so I'm casting around for an album to refresh it a bit.  So far, no luck.

Linking with Ginny for Yarn Along!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I've written a fair bit about body image in this space, about the ways we look at our bodies, how we view our corporeal selves, how weight and life changes affect that view over time.  I've talked about cultural visual ideals, and how almost none of us can live up to the visual cultural ideal of our time.  The gap between what is presented as visually desirable (aka "normal") and what is real is very large.  I suspect that most of us struggle with body image because of this gap.

I'll be the first to say that I don't have the answer, or a little secret I'm going to let you in on that will help you feel better in your body.  I've gone through periods of profound discomfort in my skin--times where I would like to rip off the offending bits of myself--the parts that will never ever conform to what society says is beautiful and good.  Times when I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror.  I've also had times where I feel okay about my body--I can appreciate what it does for me, the quirks of my proportions, my freakish strength, my curly hair and never-tans skin.  I can have gratitude that I am here and moving and breathing.

This morning, I had a radical thought.  What if we could actually love the bits of ourselves that are "unlovely"?  Not just tolerate them, or learn to accept them, but really love them?  The parts we find most offensive about ourselves.  The bits of flab that are always going to be there, the thinning or gray hairs, or the chin hairs that need constant maintenance?  What if I can say to myself, this loose skin on my belly is worthy of love because it is fearfully and wonderfully made?  This thin hair on my head is worthy of love because it is fearfully and wonderfully made? 

What if I could say that I love the curve of my belly because it is feminine?  (Possibly the best line ever said by a man to a woman of a certain age: "I love your body because it is a proper woman's body.")  What if I could say that my rear aspect is fine as it is?  That those curves were made that way just for me?

What if I just stopped thinking so much about how my body doesn't measure up and just lived the measure of my body?  I've been thinking on and off about what Stasia says about inside-out congruency, and about the messaging I have in my head about my body.  Very little of that messaging is positive, and frankly, I'm tired of it.  So rather than spending so much emotional energy trying to tell that voice in my head to shut up, I think I'd rather devote my energy to directing the voice to a positive place.

So here's a start.  Repeat after me: My body is beautiful just as it is right now.  Not seven pounds lighter, not taller, not with a flat stomach or small bottom, thin biceps, or better hair.  Just as it is. 

Because this is my body, given to me by God, and it is fearfully and wonderfully made, I will learn to take care of this gift. 

Talking Tuesday: The Patience of Job

via Orthodox Monastery Icons, google images

Job has been on my mind the past couple of days, and how he continued to praise God in the midst of terrible, awful circumstances, and endured for much longer than this season I've been in.  And then God showered blessings upon blessings on Job.  Job continued to praise God in the midst of his blessings, too, which I think is something many of us forget to do.  (I know I do).  When times are tough, it is easy to remember to pray, but when things are going along relatively well, it is easy to forget Him.  Perhaps creating the discipline of prayer in hard times is what conditions our soul to continue to pray during more peaceful times.

I confess, it has been a long time since there has been a truly peaceful season in my life, and I keep hoping for one to come along.  My prayers sometimes seem to fall on deaf ears, but I keep praying because the need is so great, and my spirit is so thirsty.  If this discipline of prayer and watchfulness is training my soul to stay mindful of God, then it is all for the good.  I do find myself impatient to be through this fiery furnace, to cool waters on the other side, but I am also curious to see what will be forged from this fire. 

This season has been a season of great interior change--of expansion, a great tilling of soil.  That process has been quite painful at times.  In my quieter moments, I can see that things are somewhat better than they were even six months ago, and that all this digging deep with the children is producing some fruit, both in them and in me, but there are still a lot of days that feel Sisyphean.  And maybe that is just life.  The way it goes--a little bit forward, a little bit back, some days worse, some days better. 

At some point, you get enough of the way down the road to look behind you and see how far you've come, but I think I'm not there yet.

Project 333: Winter 2018

I confess, I swapped out my fall rotation almost two weeks ago for my winter things, because the weather turned rather suddenly at the beginning of November, and I got sick of being cold all the time.  My fall rotation can handle some pretty large temperature shifts (100+ degrees to about 40 degrees) but the amount of clothing I was wearing to be comfortable at 30 degrees or below just seemed silly when I had all this wool waiting for December 1st to be brought out.

Tartan wool blend skirts (I have two more coming in the post)

Previously, I wrote about my emerging Shetland style for this winter, and I still stand by it.  The one nice thing about pulling my winter things out early was that I used these couple of weeks to live with it, and tweak it a little.  I'm nearly there, in part because I have a few things on needles or in the queue that will round out my rotation nicely.

Knitted neckwear!  I wear something around my neck nearly the whole winter, and I have a nice selection of me-made and ready-to wear options.  Most of these are me-made.

The tartan wool skirts I ordered are amazing--I really can't say enough good things about them.  They are lined and have pockets!  I bought three, and ordered a plain navy one too.  At that price, I cannot make anything even close.  I am totally warm when wearing them (and I really can't say that about anything else in my closet) and so comfortable too.  I have enough sweater options that I think I could just swan about in those skirts all winter and be fine.  I've decided it is okay to have a rotation that is totally different from the others in weight and style, because this is about weather and my personal comfort.  My summer rotations have a similarly distinct feel because of the heat.  Right now, I'm tired of being bone-deep cold all the time.

These aren't really in my winter rotation proper.  They are hanging out in a separate place in case I want some variety or need a black dress for some reason.  I can layer up the dresses with wool sweaters and silk unders but they still aren't warm enough for really cold temperatures.  I don't know what is wrong with my internal thermostat this year--these cotton dresses would have been workhorses of previous winter wardrobes with the right layers over and under.

I think I'm moving in the direction of a more or less three season wardrobe: summer, spring/fall, and winter.  I used to do a distinct spring and fall rotation, in part because the temperatures differ dramatically in those two parts of the year--spring here is often more winter-like and chilly through mid-May, and fall is sometimes a long Indian summer all the way through to Thanksgiving.  But it's pretty variable too--I can remember years where it is arctic in October already, and sometimes spring can start in February.  I also find I like slightly different color palettes during the two seasons, so that was another factor.  I think what I might end up doing is a less rigid three-month rotation, and instead rotate my clothes when the weather shifts a bit, as I did this fall.  I suppose that means I'm not doing Project 333 per se, but the spirit is there, I think.

My winter dresses: unblogged holiday flannel Frankenwashi dress, the denim piny, Spruce knit, and Night Owl flannel Frankenwashi.  I'm not confident that the flannel dresses are going to be very warm (I wore the Night Owl dress last week and with two shirts under and a heavy sweater over and I was still pretty cold and uncomfortable in all the layers), but I wanted a holiday-type dress for Christmas, and I just loved the owl flannel print.  Maybe my in progress Carbeths will work to warm them up.

What I'm trying to get to with spring and fall is a core of clothing that goes with either season, plus a few pieces that are season-specific either for temperature reasons or color palette reasons.  For example, I never want to wear my Hobby Horse skirt in the fall, but I like it in the spring.  I also tend not to want to wear my rust or burgundy clothing in the spring, but I love it in the fall.  I think I can get away with wearing my marigold linen both seasons by wearing it with blue in the spring and olive or evergreen in the fall.  Yellow is a neutral, right??

Sweaters and tops: the bottom layer are all wool blends or heavy cotton, the top is thinner cotton layering shirts

 But for winter, the name of the game is warm, warm, warm.  My winter uniform is shaping up to be: tartan maxi skirt with heavy cotton tights and woolen long socks over top, heavy sweater with an undershirt of some kind, either silk or cotton, and a wool neckwarmer.  Obviously, I have All The Shawls on needles at the moment, in addition to the Carbeths and gift knitting.

Heavy weight cardigans in wool or cotton, plus my garnet L'Enveloppe

My rotations have mostly gotten smaller, which I think is no bad thing.  I appreciated Madeleine's recent post about the "just right" closet, and while hers is more spare than mine, I'm getting a feel for what is just right for my own sartorial needs and laundry cycle.  

Orange wool blend Everyday skirt, denim skirt, Geo flannel skirt.  The denim skirt is a bit thin for super cold weather, but I'm keeping it in just because.

One thing I'm trying to work out is when to retire a garment.  I tend to wear most of my clothes to bits, and it is hard for me to decide when a garment is truly done.  I can mend stockings and sweaters and the stress points on dresses and continue to wear them, but at certain point, things start to look very shabby, and I have a hard time determining that line.  I shave my wool sweaters regularly, which helps keep them looking nice longer, but I have a sweater right now that just went into the "wearing with pajama only" category because it looks tired after two years heavy wearing.  But I keep looking at it and thinking: is it really done for day wear?  Surely another shave will take away the long teeth on the thing?  

Ditto my Geo Flannel skirt.  I think I'm going to retire it, as the flannel is starting to have a halo and the pattern on the skirt isn't so distinct any longer because of it.  I don't love how it fits me right now, I'm not even sure it is worth wearing this season, to be honest.  (Which is probably just as well, as I'm not as warm in it as I would like and the sweater that goes best with it is difficult to layer).  I've had this fabric in my closet for close to five years now, and I think it is okay to retire it after this winter.

So still some things to tweak for winter, but I'm getting there.