State of mind

It started with a cough.

It never fails to amaze me that the moment I start feeling good about life in the city with small children, and getting a good rhythm, something happens to smack me in the forehead and say, "I'm sorry, were you starting to be content and happy?  Forget it sister."  And then I get down and fuggy again for months on end.

I have a newish mom friend who is so positive about life.  She has plenty of moments that are frustrating, and I know that her life isn't all sunshine and roses, but her attitude is just great.  I recently told her that I love seeing her posts pop up in my Facebook feed because it is always a bright spot.  She smiled and said she'd recently gained some perspective on life, and proceeded to tell me about some people she had encountered who were struggling with greater things than she, and it made her grateful for what she did have.  My takeaway from that conversation was that she refused to let the gunk of life bring her down, and that she was going to be in charge of her reaction to the bad stuff.

I've been thinking about what she said since we spoke, and last night, after I posted about feeling positive about life in the city with the kids, Birdie started coughing.  And when Birdie starts coughing, that usually means a sickness cycle is getting ready to slam us, and it may or may not involve hospital stays, but will almost certainly involve doctor visits, extra medication schedules to track, and more lost sleep.  I sat in the rocking chair holding her as she coughed and hacked and cried, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep and felt that old frustration creep up the back of my neck.  But she's been so healthy this spring!  I wanted to scream.  I just started thinking I could take her places without dire consequences!  It is the summer, for Pete's sake!  She is supposed to be better in the summer. I don't need this mess with a newborn baby who is up a lot of the night and needs so much from me right now!  This mantra started swirling in my head, and pretty soon my light airy thoughts had been replaced by heavy leaden frustration, anger, and a sort of resigned mental sighing.

But then I started thinking about my friend, and that conversation, and I realized that my reaction to these events was completely within my control.  I did not have to allow them to make me feel bad, and I didn't need to let them bring me down.  So I took a deep breath, reminded myself that it wasn't the end of the world, and that I wasn't going to let a cough and a junky nose steal my joy.  I reminded myself that she has been a lot better this year, and her flares are much less intense than they used to be.  We are better at managing her symptoms and the overall number of respiratory crises is much decreased.  These are all things to be grateful for.  I also reminded myself that we can roll with the punches and whatever happens, we can handle it.  Inch by inch, I grabbed back that light feeling.  I woke up this morning tired but feeling positive once more.  I know I will have bad moments, times of doubt, frustration, and just sheer exhaustion.  But I also know that I can try to stop myself from wallowing in despair, and to cease feeling like every moment of our lives is a crisis.  It is true, we've had a lot of crisis the last two years, but I can stop feeling like it is ruling me, rather than the other way around.  We don't need to put our lives on hold for 18 months to get through it.  It's going to take some work to undo years of bad habits of mind, and I will have to be especially mindful of my negative thought processes, and work to change them over to positive ones, but I have to do this.  Everyone benefits when I'm feeling good and I think it is worth the work.  

So, I've got this.  I'm good.  And in the meantime, that splash pool is still out back.