Talking Tuesday: The Inner Tumult of Ascesis

This weekend was the Sunday of the Publican and Pharisee, the official start of the Lenten Triodion.  We are in the last few weeks before Lent is officially upon us; these weeks given to us by the Church to pause, reflect, get ready, before the big dive at the end of this month.  I've found myself in a pretty contemplative state of mind for several weeks now, just thinking about various things.  I'm trying to read more, watch less, eat less, shop purposefully for the needs of the household, be in front of a screen less.  It is hard to do this--it produces a lot of internal discomfort for me as I use a lot of these things to cope with the difficulties in my life.  It is a crutch and not a good one.

The weaker part of me wants to stop being so purposeful, to eat until I'm full, watch movies until I'm overtired, shop mindlessly, surf the internet for no good reason, just to turn off the noise of the world.  But none of these things helps to do that.  Developing a spirit of quietness and reflection, particularly living in the sort of family I live in, is very very difficult.  A lot of days, I just want to run and hide and stop being an adult for a while.  The pressure of responsibility for the household and for parenting my children well feels like too much.  I often feel as though I live directly under a giant thumb tack, constantly being pushed a little further into my head.  I don't want to live like this, or feel like this, so I think I have to take the ascesis of our Orthodox life more seriously.

I've been dipping into and out of Donald Sheehan's Grace of Incorruption for several months now, and a passage really jumped out at me last week.  He writes that the beginning of our ascetical struggle is when we confront the inner turmoil that is produced by running up against difficult things, and what we ultimately do with that turmoil.   Do we deny the passion and further our ascetical purpose, or do we give in to it and feed the passion for further spiritual destruction?  Do we learn to embrace the questions that come out of inner turmoil, and turn them to God, for His purpose?  Do we allow ourselves to experience the pain and discomfort of denying the body and the mind what it craves so that the Master can chisel us into His likeness?

I've also been reading Lysa TerKeurst's Unglued, and in it, she tells the story of how Michelangelo sculpted the statue of David out of an enormous block of marble.  He was the third in a line of sculptors to take on the project, but he was the one to finish the masterpiece.  When asked how he accomplished such a monumental task, Michelangelo replied, "Easy.  I just chip away the parts of the marble that aren't David."  Lysa TerKeurst's point in telling the story is to say that God is always molding us, always sculpting us, and the chisel can be painful and difficult; we can run away from that process and not allow God to make us who we are supposed to be: the very image and likeness of Himself.  Or we can embrace that pain and discomfort and bodily denial, seek to work with Him in ascetical struggle to conquer the passions, and let the hammer do its work.

No one said theosis was going to be easy.

Yarn Along: Clouds in My Coffee

~knitting~

A finished object!  Meet my Clouds in My Coffee cardigan (and my new canvas-linen dress!)  I used Elizabeth Brown's pattern of the same name, some Misti Maki alpaca yarn from the stash, and some vintage buttons from who knows where.  

I'm quite pleased with this one--I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to keep up with the faux-cable panel down the front but it was surprisingly easy and straightforward.  The whole pattern is written line-by-line, which I appreciate.  My only complaint is that the sleeves came out too long, which is a common problem for me.  #hobbitarms  I usually measure sleeves as I go, to make sure they come out short enough, but I thought, since the Ramona cardigan sleeves fit so well right off the bat, that I didn't need to worry about this one.  I do think the extra drape provided by the alpaca might be at least a little to blame, as the sweater did grow slightly during wet blocking.

I probably could have stood to size down one as well, since I'm a bit smaller than when I started the sweater, but I used the recommended 3" of positive ease to pick my size.  If I make this again, I'd probably go down to my actual bust size.  Fitted this ain't.  That said, it does make for a comfy sweater.  

And my dress.  It is another Cotton+Steel linen-cotton canvas and I love it!  It doesn't look so great on me without the strong contrast from the sweater, but it is a perfect match to the sweater and I think they work well together.  I just found a bright blue sweater-y type undershirt on ebay that might be a good match as well if I want my undershirt+dress+scarf uniform.

That faux cable panel was just enough to keep it interesting--I think it would make a good all-over pattern as well.  It is four rows long and easy to read while you are knitting it, which is good for me since I get interrupted constantly.

The cowl is a bit saggy on account of the alpaca, but I don't mind.  It is kind of my preferred silhouette right now anyway.

~reading~

I'm rather proud to announce that I finally finished War and Peace a couple of weeks ago.  It did feel rather anticlimactic, as the last section of the book is mostly Tolstoy droning on about the legacy of the Napoleonic Wars, plus a little bit about Pierre and Natasha's life together.  But I'm glad I finished it!  I did have to take a break and read some completely mindless things for a little while before tackling anything new.

I did receive a couple of books for Christmas from my parents, and I started Bittersweet by Colleen McCullough last week one day when my kindle was recharging.  So far so good.  I loved The Thorn Birds, and the reviews say it is similar in scope and feeling, so I'm hopeful that I'll love this one.

I also started reading Unglued earlier this week and am finding it helpful.

~watching~

After the quality and excellence that was Medici, I've had a hard time finding something else that engages me in the same way.  I watched the whole series through twice and sort of want to start it again.

I rewatched Klondike recently just to enjoy some more Richard Madden and enjoyed that again very much.  The women's costumes are hilariously bad, but the storyline is quite good, and I think most of the acting is good.

I started Victoria on pbs after reading rave reviews and it is...fine.  The episodes are quite long (nearly 2 hours each) and while there is a fine cast, and the storylines are engaging, I'm just not as into it as I probably should be.  

I think I'm done with Homeland.  I tried to give season six a try, but I really can't get invested this season.  Plus: language.  Oy.  I was willing to give it a pass during the first five seasons because the story lines were so intensely engaging, but I can't right now.

I'm also done with Peaky Blinders.  I got through half of episode three in the 3rd season and I'm.just.done.   I can't take the grit and senseless violence any more.  As much as I enjoy watching Cillian Murphy's outstanding performance, I just can't do it any more.

I did watch The Dressmaker over the weekend.  I liked it better than the book--I found the nastiness of the townspeople and the general yuck of some of the book's themes harder to take in the book for some reason.  Judy Davis was outstanding as Molly.

I also just finished Risen, with Joseph Fiennes, on the good advice of my sister.  It is really quite good--I'm sorry it didn't very much press.  It is the story of a Roman soldier assigned to deal with Jesus' tomb directly after the crucifixion and what happens to him as a result of having to find the body of the Risen Lord.  The perspective of the story is fresh and new, and I really like the attention to detail.  I do wish they'd talked Jim Caviezel into reprising his role as Jesus, but otherwise, I highly recommend the film.

Hopefully I can find something to keep my attention while I finish the sleeves on my Rincleau sweater.

Linking with Ginny for Yarn Along!

Talking Tuesday: Laurus and the mosaic of life

Nizhni Novgorod, November 1998

The last week or so I've been putting photos into albums during spare moments.  When Boo was born, I bought my first digital camera, and started making photo books at the end of each calendar year, but up to that point, almost everything photographic in our lives was in print form.  The three-ring albums I had were clunky and took up a lot of shelf space.  We were trying to make more room for children's books, so something had to go.  I removed most of the prints from the albums and stored them in photo boxes instead (there were a few albums that I stored in a box in the basement because they were so large or were specific to a trip).

Moscow, March 2003

It was fine until recently when I moved all our photo books to a place that was more accessible to the children, and Piglet was slightly upset that there were no photos of him prior to Boo's birth.  I told him that I had boxes of photos of him, but because they were put away, he couldn't look at them.  (I had a similar issue myself when I was younger, as almost all the photos of my first year or two of life are in slide format).  I decided then that I needed to put at least some of the photos back into albums.

At my sister's wedding, October 2003

 I decided to start with the photos from the summer of 2003, when I met my husband, and go forward from there.  Four albums later, I'm up to date with our pictures.  It was an interesting memory journey to go on, to look back to that summer when I returned Stateside after living Russia, meeting my husband, deciding to go by my patron saint's name instead of my birth name, the early years of our relationship and marriage, and so on.  Who was I when I was just Jill?  It almost felt like looking at photos of someone else.  Almost.  The older I get, the more the various parts of my life feel distinct not only from one another but from myself as now.

With Piglet, July 2009

I thought this passage from Laurus perfectly captures it:

"I no longer sense unity in my life, said Laurus.  I was Arseny, Ustin, Amvrosy, and I have just now become Laurus.  My life was lived by four people who do not resemble one another and they have various bodies and various names.  What do I have in common with the light-haired little boy from Rukina Quarter?  A memory?  But the longer I live, the more my reminiscences seem like an invention.  I am ceasing to believe them and they thus lack the power to link me to those people who were me at various times.  Life resembles a mosaic that scatters into pieces.

Being a mosaic does not necessarily mean scattering into pieces, answered Elder Innokenty.  It is only up close that each separate little stone seems not to be connected to the others.  There is something more important in each of them, O Laurus: striving for the one who looks from afar.  For the one who is capable of seizing all the small stones at once.  It is he who gathers them with his gaze.  That, O Laurus, is how it is in your life too.  You have dissolved yourself in God.  You disrupted the unity of your life, renouncing your name and your very identity.  But in the mosaic of your life there is also something that joins all those separate parts: it is an aspiration for Him.  They will gather together again in Him."

~Eugene Vodolazkin, Laurus. London: Oneworld Publications, 2015, 330.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

First official make of the new year!  Technically, it is the second, as I made a second canvas-linen dress last week, but I haven't worn it yet, as the sweater I'm knitting to go with it isn't quite finished.  

This is the second of the Mammoth plaid flannel dresses, and I'm totally thrilled with the result.  It is warm and comfortable and I like the neutral palette.

I did actually attempt to pattern match on this version, and the shoulders and one side seam came out pretty well.  The other side seam does match, but not on the same stripe, so it doesn't look quite as clean.  

In my plaid matching efforts, I ended up cutting out the back slightly smaller than I've been doing (it is closer in size to the front; long time readers will remember that my front and back pattern pieces are a size apart.  After making this dress, I'm thinking it might be time to start cutting the back to match the front, size-wise)  I did make my side seams 3/8" to make sure I had enough ease, and I think it is fine this way.  

Apologies for wrinkles; I had to wait until after school drop off to take pictures, so I'm a bit rumpled.

This cowl just goes with so much of my closet this rotation.  I do want a few more colors, but I have to finish some legwarmers for Birdie as well as the cardigan I'm working on.  I ended up shelving the Rincleau pullover I'm working on because I wanted to get that cardigan done.  I'm finished with the body and had just started one of the sleeves, so I might be able to get some wear out of it this winter yet.  We'll see.

Did my pocket on the bias again and like the contrast very much.  This fabric is so lovely--I really love the crepe-like texture and the plush feeling.

I found this pair of Timberland boots for a great price on ebay last week and snapped them up, as I like to have two pairs of boots in winter time, and my other pair is really better for super cold weather.  I wanted something for days like today which are chilly but not arctic.  I think I like them--the footbed needs some getting used to, but overall, they are comfortable and easy to take on and off.  I would like to find an unlined pair like this for spring.

Just the facts:

Smoke plaid dress: Robert Kaufman Mammoth flannel, Simplicity 1080, bias tape, elastic

Tights: Foot traffic via Sock Dreams

Boots: Timberland via ebay

Neckwarmer: made from Main Street Reserve wool-cotton blend (Knit Picks retired)

Undershirt: gap via thredup

Earrings: inherited from my gram

Talking Tuesday: Laurus

I find myself in a small conundrum today; it is 10 years since Philip's repose, and I generally take the day to write about him, to remember.  It is also Tuesday, however, and I had intended to start writing about Eugene Vodolazkin's excellent spiritual novel Laurus this week.  Upon reflection, I find these two things not incompatible.  I find I have little to say specifically about Philip this year.  I thought about him a lot last week, as I always do in the days leading up to the anniversary, but this morning was almost an afterthought.  Almost.

Ten years ago seems like a lifetime; so much has happened in the past decade, so much that has ontologically changed me.  Would I even recognize my younger self now?  

Eugene Vodolazkin's novel is concerned quite a lot with time, and the way that the self changes over time, particularly in pursuit of repentance.  We meet the central character, Arseny, as a young boy, and journey with him throughout his long life until his death in old age.  Several passages in the book stood out to me, but this particular one seemed appropriate for today; Arseny (now called by his first monastic name of Amvrosy) is entering old age, and has joined a monastery.  He is reflecting on the past while talking with his spiritual father, Elder Innokenty.

"I have already been at the monastery but, you know, somehow I cannot get my thoughts together.  Apparently I can no longer understand this myself.  Time, my love, is very shaky here, because the cycle is closed and it corresponds to eternity.  It is autumn now:  that may be the only thing I can say with anything approaching certainty....

Monastic time truly does lie close to eternity, said Elder Innokenty, but they are not equal.  The path of living, O Amvrosy, cannot be a circle.  The path of the living, even if they are monks, has been opened up because, as one might ask, how could there be freedom of will if there is no way out of a vicious cycle?  And even when we replicate events in prayer, we do not simply recall them.  We relive those events once again and they occur once again....

So you think time here is some sort of open figure rather than a circle?  Amvrosy asked the elder.

That's exactly it, answered the elder.  After I have become enamored of geometry, I will liken the motion of time to a spiral.  This involves repetition but on some new, higher level.  Or, if you like, the experience of something new but not from a clean slate.  With the memory of what was experienced previously.

A weak autumnal sun appeared from behind some clouds.  Elder Innokenty appeared from the opposite side of the wall.  He had managed to walk around the monastery during the time he spent talking with Amvrosy. 

And you, O elder, are making circles, Amvrosy told him.  
No, this already the spiral.  I am walking, as before, along with the swirl of leaves but--do take note, O Amvrosy--the sun came out and I am already a little different....

There are events that resemble one another, continued the elder, but opposites are born from that similarity.  The Old Testament opens with Adam but the New Testament opens with Christ.  The sweetness of the apple that Adam eats turns into the bitterness of the vinegar that Christ drinks.  The tree of knowledge leads humanity to death but a cross of wood grants immortality to humanity.  Remember, O Amvrosy, that repetitions are granted for our salvation and in order to surmount time."

~Eugene Vodolazkin, Laurus. Trans. by Lisa C. Hayden.  London: Oneworld Publications, 2015. Pages 308-309.

Medici

I rarely devote a whole post to a series, but I think this series warrants a small dedicated post because I keep thinking about it and I generally find that to be the hallmark of a good show.  (I may start doing this on the regular, as I do enjoy watching things on Netflix and amazon, and discussing them in some way).

 I recently watched the newly released Netflix original series, Medici: Masters of Florence.  I watched the whole series (8 episodes) over two or three nights.  I liked it so much that I started back over at the beginning to pick up some of the details I missed on the first go-round.  I'm currently in the middle of episode three or four.  The series deals with the Medici family in late 15th century Florence.  It particularly deals with the passing of power and control from one generation to another, and the themes of the story are about duty, loyalty, and family.  I think the central question of the show is whether it is better to do a bad thing in service of a greater good, or whether that bad thing will ultimately overcome the greater good.  The answer, in the end, is a mixed one.

The story is loosely based on the early history of the Medici family, particularly the period between 1410-1434.  The major plot points are historical, but the smaller details of the family relationships and some of the larger details appear to be fictional. I appreciated the way that the writers contextualized the era and got inside the worldview of the people in the story.  You see how Christianity inhabits the world these people live in, and informs their worldview in every respect.  I got a more visceral understanding why the medieval Popes were constantly meddling in the affairs of wider Europe.  I appreciate that the actors play the religious aspects without any irony (something I greatly appreciated in the series Rome).  As I've just finished reading Laurus, which is set in almost exactly the same time period (and part of which takes place in Italy), I had a better understanding of some of the things that were going on during the period in the wider world.  I studied medieval history quite seriously as an undergrad, but it's been a long time since I inhabited that world in my mind.

The main draw for me in this series was Richard Madden.  I love historical drama if it is done well, but I'll watch Richard Madden in almost anything. (I totally gave up on Game of Thrones after the Red Wedding--he was the only thing that kept me going with that series).  What I appreciate about him (as with so many of the actors and actresses I love) is that he is a very subtle actor, and really inhabits a character.  His face is very expressive, and he uses that quality to good effect in his work.  (He also has really really beautiful hands; my mother will understand!)  A lot of the story rests with him, as it is primarily told from his point of view (although it does toggle a bit between him and his wife).

Cosimo d'Medici is a man who holds his cards close to his chest.  He fears God, and wants to honor Him with his life, but he also wants to ensure that his family will stay strong and powerful in Florence for generations to come.  These two things come into conflict quite often as he is torn between his familial duties and his Christian duty.  He cherishes art and good form in architecture and wants to nurture these things in wider society. He is a flawed man, but not fatally so; he is willing to repent, to reconcile, to change, to receive God's mercy.  I particularly enjoyed the relationship with his wife, Contessina, and how that relationship changed (in different ways) over a long period of time.

There are several love scenes through out the show, but, as in Outlander, they are used to advance the story rather than as titillating filler.  Richard Madden masterfully uses those scenes to convey some important aspects of his character and to set up some plot points for later in the series.

I thought most of the rest of the cast was well done, and I liked the mix of Italian and English/Aussie actors.  Sad to say, the sore thumb in the group is Dustin Hoffman (despite the fact that he does somewhat resemble the actual Giovanni de Medici).  I don't really care for him as an actor to start with, but I was prepared to give it a try.  His accent and posture stand out in a mostly European cast
and I wished he'd fleshed out his character more.

Some reviewers really panned the actor playing Cosimo's son, Piero, but I actually thought he was spot-on.  Pierro isn't meant to be some stunning princeling; he's meant to be quite awkward and young, and the actor playing him does it well.  The real Piero was a sickly bedridden man who only ruled the Medici family for a brief period before succumbing to illness.  A robust actor would have been unbelievable for this character.

There were some Netflix reviewers who didn't like the series because of the supposedly "pop" soundtrack.  Some compared it to the abominable series Reign (that show was so bad, I couldn't even get through the pilot--the costuming was horrendous, the storytelling terrible, and the pop sound track extremely distracting).  It is true that the opening credits of Medici feature a rather pop-esque soundtrack that can be off-putting at first, but the actual drama itself is free of that.  I found the musical score quite lovely and fitted well with the overall story.

My main quibble with the show (and it is a minor one) is with the women's costuming.  I thought that the men were all wonderfully dressed for the period, and I particularly liked the palette that the costume designer used.  The women's costumes were visually stunning, and very beautiful (I really love the silhouette of the long vest over the long dress, buckled at the waist).  But there was nary a shift in sight!  It was pretty standard for women to wear a shift under their dresses throughout this period (and indeed, up through the early 20th century) because washing was so arduous, and it is much easier to change your linen shift every day or so than to hand wash a woolen or brocaded silk outer dress regularly.  I am curious now to research early 15th century Florentine clothing, so I suppose in that respect, it is a positive thing!  I also could have done without some of the modern-looking eye make-up on a few of the women, but I know that some of those kinds of decisions are often a trade-off between period accuracy and audience expectations; sometimes one has to be sacrificed for the other.

The series was shot on location in Italy (some of it in Florence itself) and the landscape is just gorgeous.  The cinematography is truly stunning; there is one particular long shot of the cathedral that is fantastic.  I've never had a great desire to visit Italy, but after watching this show, I think it needs to go on my list!  The director used a lot of close shots of different characters faces, particularly their eyes, and I thought the effect, combined with the sweeping landscapes made for a particularly good contrast.  I also loved the way that religious imagery was used throughout the show, and the interior cathedral scenes were marvelous not only for the beauty of the space, but for the quality of the scenes.

I hear that season two has been commissioned and will focus on Cosimo's grandson, Lorenzo; I'm eager to see the story the next season has to tell!

Plaid Flannel #1

Happy New Year!  New year, new project!

Technically, I made this dress just before the new year, and wore it once already, but I'm wearing it again today, so I think it counts for the first project of the new year.  In any case, it's my blog and I can do what I want to.  ☺

I've been wanting a plaid flannel dress for several years now, but my last attempt a year ago was an utter disaster, and pretty much put me off working with plaids of the flannel variety.  My mistake then was choosing a cheap fabric that was badly off-grain, but the experience was sufficiently frustrating to make me never want to make a plaid flannel dress again.

Enter Robert Kaufman's Mammoth flannel.  I've been eying this stuff for a long time, and saw some lovely things made with it on the interwebs.  When the color way I'd saved came back in stock at fabric.com, I decided to take the plunge and just make it up already (as an added bonus, there was a discount for ordering three yards, which is my usual dress yardage).

I confess, I made no attempt to pattern match on the side or shoulder seams.  I probably could have done it with some better attention, but it is the winter break, all four kids are home, and I've spent the last two weeks getting interrupted approximately 5,246 times a day.  I felt I was doing well to complete the dress and alter my rust corduroy skirt again, which has gotten too big on me lately.

I made my pleats slightly looser, using a 3/8" seam allowance rather than my usual 5/8" because I knew I would always be wearing an undershirt with this dress, and the undershirt that goes best is a thick waffle henley, so I wanted a little extra ease.  

I also gathered the back slightly looser to the elastic, and I'm really quite pleased with the fit of this dress.  It is so comfortable and warm, especially with my wool-cotton blend cowl!  I made it for the kids, but none of them wanted it, so I took it back and have been happily wearing it the last couple of weeks.  I realized recently that my uniform for the fall and winter has fallen into something like this outfit: undershirt, dress, knitted neckwear, simple earrings, cotton tights, and tall boots.  Sometimes a cardigan over the top.  It feels like me.

I decided I need more knitted neck warmers in my life, but my knitting queue is a bit long at the moment, so I'll probably get to them this summer so I can use them next cold season.  Neck warmers are great traveling projects because they are small and require little concentration, so I like to take them on trips or to keep my hands busy when visiting with friends.

I made my pocket on the bias for some visual interest, and I did line it up exactly on the center orange line of the dress.  It was the only pattern matching I did, but I made it count since it is front and center!

The texture of this flannel is rather interesting--it is almost crepe-like.  I really like it.  I like it so much, that, as the title of this post suggests, I have another in the works!  

I recently went through my fabric stash and made better sewing plans for spring and summer, and realized that I really wanted another winter dress or two.  There are at least two dresses/sweaters in my current rotation that I'm kind of meh about, and either aren't warm enough for really cold temps or don't fit the way I prefer, so I might rotate them out or retire them.  (I am also considering another canvas dress from some Cotton + Steel fabric, but might hold that for next year)

Another discovery I made when I was writing my 2016 Wrap post was that the main problem with my summer clothing was that it was all too light.  The clothes that I wore the most, felt the best in, and generally was happiest with, were darker shades in light weight fabrics.  I wore the Blueberry dress and Lily Pad linen dress a ton this summer.  I like having one or two lighter colored dresses in my summer, but not a whole closet full.  That realization helped me to make some changes to my sewing plans for the summer, as well as to critically examine my summer rotation as a whole and make some good decisions about it.

Here's to 2017!