A Situation

A few weeks ago, I started following Stasia Savasuk on Instagram (if you don't already follow her, you should!  She's great).  She runs a style school through her blog, and every six weeks or so, a group of women go through a course in style, but it is really about learning to love your body and accept your body while putting your best foot forward every day.  Stasia is on Instagram almost every day, and she talks a lot about body issues, and acceptance, and I've gained a lot of insight from her.  (One of her oft repeated mantras is: the problem is not your body, the problem is in the clothes.  Fix it if you can, let it go if you can't).  She recently gave a Tedx talk and it is now on YouTube--I highly recommend it (but have a kleenex handy!)

I've said this myself for a long time, even talked about clothing companies and sizing, and issues with slopers--all that.  I know why the clothes don't fit intellectually--that the reason why clothing doesn't fit isn't because my body is wrong, it's because the clothes are wrong.  But it is still hard not to take it personally.

When you make a lot of your own clothes, some of those lines get even blurrier.  I made it, I fitted it, therefore, it should fit my body.  It should feel like "me" on the inside.  And when it doesn't, or it doesn't fit all day (ahem,  separates), I get down on my body.  Why can't my body be the same size all day?  Why does my middle have to get so thick after I eat anything?  Why doesn't this skirt fit in the waist after being washed a few times?  Why is this dress pulling at my hips when I sit down?  Why do I have to carry most of my weight in my backside??

At some point this past year, my Dottie Angel frock style no longer matched my insides.  For a few years, it did.  I felt great in those dresses--like the best version of me.  And then I didn't.  And I'm still trying to figure out why and what does.  Match my insides, that is.  I make note of outfits that make me feel good, and keep those in regular rotation.  For most the summer, that was separates.  The reason why this matters, and why I keep banging on about it, is that the right clothing can take you through your days in a positive way.  The wrong clothing can make an otherwise good day seem bad.  I would rather show up for my life with a heavy dose of positivity!

I've been struggling a bit with my fall wardrobe, because I have a number of what Stasia would call Situation Clothing.  She had a story one day about a sweater that made her feel awful, even though she really liked the garment, and it fit her well.  As the day wore on, the arms of the sweater sagged at the elbows, they didn't stay pushed up to her preferred length, it just wasn't working with the activities for her day.  She ended up spending most of the day focused on how much the sweater irritated her, and not on the other things she was doing.  At the end of the day, she took the sweater off, washed it, and donated it without a second thought.  I think she even changed into something else that didn't bug her so as to end her day on a positive note. 

I've been thinking a lot about that, because I'm finding that those 10 pounds I gained last month are mostly sticking around and my gastroparesis is not in a happy place right now, so my middle expands and contracts a lot during the day.  It doesn't affect the fit of my dresses very much, but it does affect my skirts. A lot. You might even say, I have A Situation.

Earlier this week, I took apart the waistband on my marigold linen skirt and remade it.  The Petersham interfacing had shrunk during the past year of heavy wear, and had rolled in a weird way that made the front of the waistband look super schlumpy no matter how much I pressed it.  The back elastics were also tight. 

I pulled out the janky 1.5" Petersham, replaced it with 1" Petersham so the waistband won't roll, and put in 1" woven elastic in the back.  No regrets. 

My one moment of perplexity about this alteration was this: when I make an Everyday skirt as directed, with 1.5" petersham and the double channeled elastic in the back, I use 12" long braided elastic.  Any longer and the waistband sags in the front, any shorter and it pulls uncomfortably in the front and back.  When I swapped the elastics for a single 1" woven elastic (the kind used in every first skirt sewing project everywhere), I only need about 9.5".  The channel is still exactly the same length, it is just shorter.  And the 1" elastic is way more comfortable around my waist.  I'm starting to think that 1/2" braided elastic isn't a great choice for garments because it is "hard-fitting" elastic, whereas knit or woven elastic (not braided) seems much kinder to the body).  Note to self.

I had put it off and put it off, thinking that if I could just lose those pounds I gained last month, the skirt wouldn't annoy me so much, but I realized, I don't have time in my life for clothing that annoys me no matter the reason why.  (Thank you, Stasia).  I don't have time or emotional energy for clothing that causes A Situation.  I don't want clothing that reminds me of its existence or makes me feel bad about my body.  I want to feel good in my clothes, not have negative feedback from them. 

So, with that in mind, remember this skirt?  

Not too bad, but I really didn't like how it felt on me.  The center box pleat did not behave well (the fabric wants to curl along the edge in a weird looking way.  My olive linen skirt has a similar problem; I intend to fix it for next summer.

 I pulled off the eggplant linen waistband, and unpicked the center front box pleat and turned it into 18th century style pleats as on the marigold linen.  I changed out the 1.5" petersham for 1", and put the 1" woven elastic in the back and I'm MUCH happier with this skirt now.

This is my happy face:

I also made a skirt this month that I didn't blog that was clearly a Situation garment.  (I haven't even blogged in yet).  Actually, I made two skirts like that.  One was the eggplant Birch rayon refashion that I wore twice and hated so much that it went to the donation pile almost immediately, and the second is this teal twill skirt: 

this picture is true to color.

You might remember the fabric from an ill-fated Frankendress I made a couple of winters ago.  For some reason I had about five yards of this fabric, and so I had 2 generous yards left over after I made that dress, but I didn't know what to do with it once I stopped making pencil skirts.  When I was making my fall rotation palette and planning sewing projects, I thought this skirt would be perfect for fall.  I love teal generally, but it is particularly striking with fall shades.  I was gifted a ridiculously expensive length of wool challis in fall shades, and it has this teal in the pattern.  I have in mind to make a blouse out of it at some point, but I wanted to make the skirt first.

The twill was a poor choice for the pattern and the design decisions I made for it, as it ballooned out in the front in unflattering ways and didn't hang right.  I had to smooth it down every time I moved, and felt slightly preggers in it.  I was almost ready to put it in the donation bin (no regrets!) when I thought I should at least try the waistband alteration and see if that helps the fit.

I pulled off the waistband, turned the center box pleat into 18th century style pleats, and sewed it up again!  Worked a treat.  The skirt hangs ever so much better now, and I feel pretty good in it! 

After that, I pulled out all my bins and did a bit of an overhaul of all my clothes.  I decided that I want clothing in my rotations that I feel great when I put it on, not because it ticks a color box, or fits well, or goes with a lot of things.  I thought of outfits I've worn this season that I thought: yes, this is a good one! and kept those.  Anything that was negative or even neutral went away, either to store for later evaluation or to donate.  I tried to think in terms of whole outfits rather than individual pieces, which was helpful.  The process also clarified my winter rotation a bit as well, and identified some key holes that need filling and some other pieces that I don't need to make right now.

Now to sort my in-between seasonal shoes.  Again.  It is a perenniel problem: what to put on my feet when sandals are no longer appropriate, but it isn't quite time for tall boots and tights yet.  Oh, and I can't wear junky shoes because of all the issues I have with my feet.  The danskos only look good with tights, and the brown shoes above are okay, but not fabulous.  I've got a couple of promising candidates.  Watch this space.

Can't Get No...Satisfaction

I've been mulling over where my food train got derailed this summer, and while I can point to a number of different things--gastroparesis flare, ongoing viral infection, cancer scare, high stress summer, etc., at the end of the day, I think my biggest problem is that I got bored.

Tomato sandwiches!

When I started my keto-ish diet in the summer of 2017, I was desperate for a change.  I was still eating a relatively small range of foods to accommodate all my swallowing issues, and my blood sugar was all over the place (I have always struggled with hypoglycemia).  I was mostly living on Cream of Wheat, baked potatoes, the odd sweet potato, and Chex.  And Milky Way bars.  *facepalm* It was not the Road to Healthfulness.

When I did some research on a ketogenic approach, it was the first way of eating that was mostly foods I was able to tolerate.  (Paleo is too fiber-intensive for gastroparesis and most other food plans are rely too heavily upon chicken and/or nuts, both of which I'm allergic to).

Armed with a bunch of new recipes and raw determination, I set off on my merry way, dropped 10 more pounds, started feeling much better, and then...I don't know. I made keto-ish foods for my family but got sticker shock at the amount we were spending on groceries.  Keto is not budget-friendly if you have boys to feed and can only eat beef, and my girls can eat as much as the boys sometimes! The keto meals I made went over extremely well. So well in fact, that there were no leftovers, so the price-per-meal was staggering.  We may as well have been getting takeaway every day.

Once we got into the Nativity Fast, I couldn't keep serving the rest of the family keto meals (there are really no vegan-friendly keto foods unless you want to drink olive oil all day), so I started making fasting-friendly things for them and something keto for myself.  (Long ago, my father-confessor gave me a blessing to keep a heavily-modified fast, given the rather extreme complications of my food life). 

Spinach pies--a treat after so many years!

It is a lot to keep up with, since I would prepare a full meal for my family, and then have to make something else for myself from scratch.  I've mostly been doing dual meal prep since then, and frankly, I got tired of it.  I don't love to cook, and planning/preparing meals for six people every day (and twice on the weekends) is a chore.  We had two pretty long fasts this summer, and I couldn't keep up.  I started defaulting to eggs and bacon because they were fast and easy.

keto caprese omlette

Sometime in August, I discovered I could eat more things, and I was suddenly able to swallow bread again.  It was a feast after the famine, and I broadened my culinary horizons to include grains, some legumes, and some greens, but gained ten pounds doing so. I'm not happy about this, but neither am I happy about going back to eggs and bacon all the time.

Cheeseburger Pie!

I mentioned this to my therapist recently, and she said she thought it was because I wasn't getting satisfaction from my meals. Yes, my meals were fuel for the road, but I wasn't getting "full" so to speak. Even the so-called "cheat" foods I was having didn't really satisfy me--it was more a craving in my mind for something that I thought was food. Turns out, those cravings are probably not for food per se but for relief from all the stress of my life. Heh. 

This one was okay.  I ended up leaving some of the bacon and naan for another meal.

In the past month, I've tried a lot of different things, from the Noom weight loss app (decided not to continue after the free trial), to getting back on the keto wagon train, to intermittent fasting, but nothing really stuck.  I kept choosing tomatoes on toast and English muffins, cereal, and other grain-loaded carbs.  

At the end of the day, I'm just tired of food.  Tired of the constant restrictions, tired of the numerous food decisions I have to make for my family and then make again for myself.  Times three meals a day, seven days a week.  

So here is where I am right this minute is: eating regular food with the rest of my family at regular times.  Huh.  I decided that I can't give up bread right now, after so many years without.  (We are having a lot of simple grilled cheese or quesadilla type meals lately, and making another meal for myself on those days is just.one.more.thing).  And I feel okay when I eat bread, so I don't have a strong reason not to.  

I also wonder what it says about our society that so many of us feel that we have to cut out entire food groups or exercise for five hours a day in order to look a particular way.  (I always remember reading an article in People magazine a few years ago, where different celebrities were interviewed about what they ate on a particular day, and I remember one woman saying that she had to exercise all morning to justify a small portion of pasta for dinner that night.  The rest of her food day was...spartan.  How sad is that?)

It's kind of a weird and interesting place to be--eating regular foods, without a lot of restrictions--and one I have to relearn, after 3+ years of nearly always having to make myself something separate, often at different times from everyone else so as not to lose my mind.  (I worried greatly about the effect of having a mother not eating in front of them was having on my children, having seen that effect elsewhere to negative results.  'Nuff said).  

keto BLT 

So I have to relearn the practice of portion control, and get back in touch with my body's signals.  Anyone with hypoglycemia will tell you that it teaches you to be afraid of hunger--of going too long without food.  The consequences can be rather unpleasant.  The intermittent fasting I did this month helped me to overcome that (again).  I suspect it will be a lesson I have to learn again and again.  But I do actually feel okay after meals--satisfied, mostly.  I have some bad habits I need to work on, but I'm noticing that my cravings are better under control, and I can talk myself down from them (mostly).  It doesn't have anything to do with the specific foods I'm eating or not eating, but I do think it has a lot to do with giving myself permission to eat everything I'm not allergic to, but not to overdo it on anything.  It's not the path to weight loss, but I'm taking a short break while I get my head back in order.

I also purchased a pedometer--Noom was helping me to keep track of my steps, and while I like the feature, I do not like having to carry a phone around with me all day, every day, so this little device is easy to slide into my pocket.  I'm hitting my target most days just doing my normal stuff, so that is good.  I guess those 47 stairs in my house are counting for something!

I also started walking a bit more in the afternoon with my school pick up routine; the neuroma in my foot is pretty unhappy with all this humidity, but I'm happy if I can go halfway (about 3/4 mile) before picking up the bus.  Sometimes I walk the whole way and sometimes I catch the bus near my house, but I try not to beat myself up if I do a little less.  My days are pretty jam packed at the moment, and I think having one less thing to think about is helpful right now.

I'm more or less maintaining about eight pounds above where I was mid-summer, and that is okay right now.  I also remember reading Geneen Roth about seven years ago when I was really working through a lot of my food issues, and she said sometimes you have to gain a bit while you are relearning how to have a normal relationship with food.  So that's where I am at the moment.  At least my clothes (mostly) still fit.  I've got a post brewing about that and will finish it soon.

I realize this is probably interesting only to me, but I find it helpful to have a record of these things to refer back to.  

The Piny

If you pay attention to fashion or sewing trends, the pinafore is having a Moment.  Beloved by toddlers everywhere, they've made their way back into adult women's fashion.  I admit, when pinafores first came back in, I wasn't a fan.  The styles seemed boxy and unflattering to an adult woman's body, or they seemed too young for me, so I put it out of my head.  (Can I also just say: all the clothes in the stores right now are from the mid-1990s.  Are we really recycling fashion from my high school years already?  Sheesh.  I appreciate the nostalgia trip, but I am nearly 40 and don't really want to go back to high school, thankyouverymuch). 

In the past year or so, there have been a few brilliant sewing patterns for a pinafore, plus lots of great styling on Instagram that made me curious to try the style.  I thought Jennifer Lauren's Ivy Pinafore and Pippi Pinafore were the best of the lot.  There are other indie pattern makers who have come out with pinafore patterns too (Collette, Victory Patterns, and Tilly and the Buttons all have versions), but I didn't think they would work for my body type. 

So imagine my delight when I happened to find just the thing in Target this week!  Ignore the creepy-weird styling on the website.  I think I would have passed it over if I hadn't seen it in person on the rack.  I wasn't too keen to spend a bunch of money on an untried pattern, a new style for me, and fabric and notions, so at less than $30, this Target pinny is the perfect way to try out the style.

I actually like this a lot--it ticks a lot of boxes on the pinny front: bust darts on the bib, semi-fitted silhouette, fitted waist band, side zip, right length, good denim in a nice dark wash.  It is very close in silhouette to the Pippi Pinafore, which was the pattern that most interested me style-wise.  I'm still trying new things right now, and this felt new to me.  (I guess I'm digging toddler styles?)

My only complaint is that I'm going to have to take in the bodice at some point--it is slightly too big, but in order to get a good fit on the skirt, I had to take a slightly larger than ideal size for the top.  (Such is the basic problem of pinafores on an adult pear-shaped body).  I bought a 14 for reference.  I think a 10 or 12 would have been about right on top, but too tight on the bottom as the 14 fits just right below the waist.  So I'll have a go at alterations soon.

In other news, I'm down four pounds this week, so I will take it.  (To recap: I gained 10 pounds in the past month and am trying to lose it, plus another 10 or so to get to where I'd ultimately like to be).  I'm still not sure what I think about Noom (an app that helps with weight loss).  Sometimes I think, yes, this is a great tool, and other times, I think: I hate this thing and am not going to pay money for it (I'm still in the 14 day trial period).  I do like that the app eases you into good habits, a little piece at a time, which is helpful.  And I've given myself permission to not be super precise with logging (I'm not measuring all my food; just eyeballing.  I've done enough measuring in the past few years to have a good sense of how much something is by looking).

I like the way the food log is set up--it is better than My Fitness Pal, which is totally neutral about what foods you log; I find MFP can become a sort of game about numbers rather than the quality of what you eat.  (As in: you can still meet your calorie goal for the day on Milky Way bars, but that's not really a great way to do so).  Noom flags your foods by color and tells you what percentage of your food day should be in each color.  The colors help you make less calorie dense food decisions (i.e grapes instead of raisins).  Some of their classifications make no sense to me, but I'm going with it for now.  I want to eat some carbs in my day and not feel like I'm getting totally derailed, and I also need to eat better in general.  Baby spinach is going down well lately, and doesn't seem to bother my GI tract (shocker!), so I'm trying to get at least one salad in per day.  I also need to quit eating in the evening.  My dinners are usually kind of a mess, so I spend the evening trying to make up for it.  I just need to get into a habit of making myself a proper dinner and eating it with the rest of my family and then be done for the day. (I often cannot eat what I make for my family, so am having to scramble to make a separate plate for myself.  After working for 45 or more minutes on a different meal, it is hard to then make myself do a proper meal for one at the end of it).

So that's that!  I'm hoping that with school in session, and things starting to get into the school year rhythm, I"ll be able to put better habits in place.

Making, Mending, Refashioning

Making: an eggplant colored Everyday Skirt in a rayon-linen blend from Joann's.  Kaufman's Brussels line has a similar colorway, but I had a 50% off coupon for Joann, and I was in a physical store this summer, so there you go.  I do think the Brussels line is slightly nicer fabric, as the Joann's version is just slightly stiff, but it will do.  The color is a nice deep eggplant-y purple.

I'm pretty please with the front of this skirt--it hangs quite nicely (although not quite as nicely as my red version from the Brussels.  But still.  This was after two bus trips for school drop off, and several children sitting on my lap, and it doesn't look too rumpled).

A bit more rumpled in the back.  I also think that the ever so slightly less drape on this fabric makes the back hang less nicely, but it might also be sizing that will come out with additional washing.  

I was on the fence about this shirt--I bought it last year at a Ross near my parents' house, and wore it as a cardigan-type layer, but this year I find I wanted to try it as a proper shirt.  It's okay, I guess.  I didn't love it or hate it yesterday.

My main issue is that the sleeves are just marginally tight around the biceps, but the next size up looked too big on me.  A perennial problem.  *le sigh*

The thread match on this skirt was particularly good, I think.  I wanted to construct the front waistband for a fully interfaced waistband (i.e. cutting the seam allowance to match the width of the petersham) but I forgot, and didn't want it to come out shorter than I prefer.  As it happens, I probably could have got away with it, since this skirt is 1" longer than my marigold linen skirt, but oh well.  Next time.

The sandals were a late ebay find and I lurve them.  One of my summer Dansko sandals bit the dust in late August, so I'm glad to have a second pair for next year (and get a bit of wear this year yet!)  That color green is practically a neutral.

In other sewing news, I mended one of my husband's cassocks (again).  This method works well for points of stress (as behind a button) or for knees that wear through, as I do it for my boys' pants when they go through the knees.  You just need a bit of iron-on patch and your sewing machine.  

Cut the patch to size, and apply to the wrong side of your garment.  I used square edges on this patch, but I use rounded ones on knees.  Zig-zag around the edges of the patch to tack it down.  I like a 4x1 stitch length for this.  If there are actual holes in the middle of the patch, go over those with a similar zig-zag to close.  If doing this on a knee patch, I like to add several lines of straight stitching in a zig-zag pattern over the whole patch to reinforce.

(The wrong side).  In this case, the hole came from one of the side buttons pulling through the garment and creating a tear.  I had mended it with a patch a few months ago, but my husband caught the cassock on something and tore it through again two weeks ago.  So I reapplied the button.  A tailor's trick--use a small button on the wrong side of the garment to anchor the button and give it stability like so:

The right side:

In reality, the mend is not very visible once the garment is on him and buttoned up.  Ditto for the mends in my sons' pants. 

And finally, a refashion:  I did this over the summer when I realized I didn't want the Blue Forest dress as a dress, but wanted it for a blouse instead.

I unpicked all the tucks and pockets and elastic, and cut a curved hem (it is a bit long) and then reapplied the hem bias.  

The leaves are a perfect match for my marigold skirt, so I was eager to pair the two together.  I think I like this blouse a lot, to be honest.  I wasn't sure about it until I wore it, but the double gauze feels great against my skin, and it looks nice with the skirt.  I am comfortable, but also feel "dressed" for the day.

Apologies for rumpled photos--after the bus run this morning.  It was crowded, so I had children on my lap again.

I think the blouse will look nice with the eggplant skirt as well.  I finished another Everyday skirt yesterday (out of a dark teal Hampton twill) that I'm excited about.  I made some swaps to my rotation, and am now feeling like it is coming together nicely.  I'll write more about that when I blog the teal skirt, I think.

I'm doing a trial period of the Noom app on the recommendation of a dear friend.  I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but since I'm struggling to know what to eat right now, I'll give it the 14 day free trial and then evaluate.  

In the meantime, I made this for a couple of meals lately and liked it very much:

baby spinach with poppyseed dressing, grilled cheese on wheat bread, fried eggs, seltzer water

Let's Get Real

This summer was intense.  In previous years, we had a babysitter or two to help out with the kids during those long weeks when they don't have camp.  This year, for a variety of reasons, we did not.  Indeed, we have not had regular childcare since late February.  It has been a difficult transition for me.  So I had a lot of intense hours and weeks where I was "on" from early morning until early evening or sometimes later.  I also got a pretty nasty viral infection at the end of June that got into my lymph nodes and caused problems for most of the rest of July.  (More on that in a moment).

I had a pretty intense gastroparesis flare in mid-July.  I think the virus, combined with stress and general fatigue, greatly contributed to the flare, but my appetite went away, my nausea went up, my waistline bloated greatly, and I generally could not tolerate my "normal" keto-ish foods.  I doubled my motility medication (to little effect) and I had a two week period where Ritz crackers were kind of what I could manage.  Oh, and I got a sinus infection just for kicks and giggles.

By the end of July, I was in pretty poor shape.  The problems in my lymph nodes culminated in a rather large lump in my left breast that led to a mammogram in early August.  The lump on the left side turned out to be nothing, but in the process of having a look-see, the technician discovered something on the right side that was troubling.  I have a fiberadenoma on that side, and the troublesome spot on the right side was in the same place and about the right size and shape, but the doctor didn't like how the margins looked, so a biopsy was duly scheduled.  I won't lie--I was pretty anxious for most of the month of August.  I was pretty sure it was just that stupid fiberadenoma, but your mind goes in a lot of scary directions when you hear things like "3 mm mass with jagged margins"--google it, I dare you.  (No, don't.  Really).  Strangely, I got a lot of writing done in August.  But not a lot of sleeping. There's nothing like a cancer scare to up your productivity.

I had my biopsy in mid-August.  I was expecting a fine needle aspiration (done 13 years ago when the fiberadenoma was first found/diagnosed), but instead I got a punch biopsy.  I've had them before (once without any anesthetic!), and I'm not scared of needles, but the lidocaine took the stuffing out of me for a couple of days. There was a vessel feeding the thing that she hit on the way in, so I had a massive bruise where they did the punch.  It is still visible and slightly sore, almost three weeks later.  I had to wait another five days for the biopsy results. In the end, it turned out to be the same benign fiberadenoma from before.  I admit, the psychological toll of the whole thing, combined with the rest of the summer, derailed me on so many levels. 

On the upside, I made the happy discovery that I could swallow soft bread after two years of being completely unable to do so; I enjoyed a few grilled cheese sandwiches before graduating to toast and cereal, and then....dum, dum, dum, a Subway sandwich.  Believe me, no one was more surprised than me!  Keto (ish) was relatively easy to follow when carby things were impossible for me to swallow, but now that these things are eatable again, I find I am having a hard time eating mostly eggs and cheese and bacon with the odd piece of fruit.  My egg tolerance is down right now, so that doesn't help either.

This was followed by an accidental chicken exposure that produced...nothing.  Nada, zip.  No reaction whatsoever except for a slightly itchy feeling in my mouth, which could have been due to something else entirely.  I had already scheduled an appointment with a new allergist to get retested, since I've been wondering where I am with things, and it has been almost 10 years since I was last tested.  After that incident, I'm very curious to see how things stand with chicken.  Because after almost eleven years without chicken, and being paranoid about it (because my reaction to it has been very severe), it would be nice to eat it again!  (Try eating anything healthy without chicken or most fish and not tolerating salad particularly well.  It is hard.  And very very very monotonous.  I'm a terrible dinner guest). 

This is where things stand right now.  I gained weight in August.  More than I'd like to admit.  Some of it is water weight, because it went on so quickly and my clothes still fit, but I'm sure some of that is from the bread and other junky carbs I've eaten in the past month.  We did a lot of traveling in August and I got tired of being a poor house guest, so I ate what I was served whenever possible.  I suppose it is a little like starving and then being presented with a bounty--it is hard to know where to start and stop. 

I confess that I am struggling to know what to eat, or how to interpret my body's signals for hunger and satiety, since they've been off for so long I no longer trust them.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself--to have a bit of a break from how hard food has been for so many years, and eat what seems appealing and easy on my system, since my gastroparesis flare is still ongoing.  I realize that I can't eat like this long term, but I think I need to get some of the pent-up food frustration of the past two years out of my system before I can get back on the wagon, so to speak. 

When I started my keto-ish approach last summer, I felt it was a way to get off the fast train to Diabetesville.  My diet was severely restricted because of all my swallowing issues, and starting keto felt like widening my dietary field in a lot of great ways.  I felt better overall (once I got over the induction flu), and mostly stopped having issues with hypoglycemia.  My gastroparesis symptoms settled down quite a bit too, which is odd since high fat is one thing to avoid with this condition (fiber is the real problem, but fat slows motility too).  When I did have grains on occasion, I noticed I felt pretty bad afterward.  I tried to steer my diet toward carbs that did not include grains.

I did lose ten pounds last summer and reached my first goal weight, and my CBC numbers are good.  But I still want to lose more weight and it still seems impossible, particularly given my recent gains.  I'm trying to be okay with this.  I'm nearly 40, and it isn't going to get easier from here in.  (All Bodies Are Good Bodies).

So I'm trying to find the way forward.  My goal is to be healthy, and I want to have enough energy to keep up with my kids and the basic demands of city life.  The high-carb diet that is typical of Americans is not the best option for me, but the so-called "healthy" diet of every women's magazine in America is not one my body can tolerate.  I also can't eat 100 calories for lunch and make it through to supper.  So I'm figuring it out.  I'm hopeful that my allergy appointment in two weeks will give some clarity and possibly widen my dietary field somewhat. 

First thing is to lose the weight I gained this summer.  I'm always less active in the summer because I'm in the car a lot more and because I don't tolerate heat very well.  This summer was particularly bad because I was sick so much of the summer and it has been hotter than usual.  Now that I am back in the school groove, I'm walking more during the day, and generally moving around more.  So that is all to the good.  There is a Barre studio that recently opened near my house; I'd like to see if my neuroma can tolerate that, because my running days are over.  I have a neighbor who walks in the morning; we've talked about doing it together sometimes.  I don't want to get into something that I have to do like my job, but I do need to be a bit more active in my day. 

Bread is my kryptonite.  I don't like pasta all that much, and rice is just okay, but I can eat bread all day.  But it doesn't really love me back.  I can tolerate grains in small doses, but I can't build my diet around them; I feel like garbage when I eat too much grain.  I love potatoes too, and can tolerate them relatively well, but I think it is probably best to limit them as well.  And cake.  I love cake to distraction, but it needs to be a birthdays-and-holidays sort of thing.  I think I'm probably going to land in some sort of paleo-keto hybrid, which is the dietary direction I've been headed for a while.  As with my clothing, I'm going to have to experiment with things again for a while to see what works and what doesn't.

In the meantime, I'm going to have a slice of cinnamon raisin toast.  Because I can.