More thinking about enough

I hate to keep banging on about how hard clothes and style are, yadda, yadda, when there are real problems in the world, but it seems to be the thing that occupies my mind a lot lately.  Probably because I can't bear to think about the harder stuff for very long right now.

To wit: my kids are all at different stages and there are a lot of difficult things about where they are.  Two of my children in particular have some challenging issues that just make me despair if I think about them for too long.  I've had some physical set-backs in the past month that are very discouraging to me.  I have some other stuff going on that is hard to bear at times.  There's the novel, threatening to suck the life out of me.  (Not really, it's just that I'm at the hard part of it, rather than the fun bits).  And that's just at home.  Let's just not talk about everything else, mkay?

So instead of thinking about all that, I think about clothes.  How I present myself is important to me (it probably is to most people, whether they admit it or not).  These days, getting dressed in the morning gives me more questions than answers.

I am actually wearing this outfit right now.

Do you ever do the thing where you have a garment or pair of shoes that you love so much that you are afraid to wear them "too much" in case they wear out and you can't find an exact replacement?  No?  Just me?  Okay.  I know, I'm weird.

I do this a lot.  I've had that white linen blouse for several summers now, and I love it, but I've only worn in a handful of times over three years' time because I was afraid of wrecking it.  This summer, I decided bollocks to that.  I've been wearing it pretty regularly this year and enjoying it immensely.  I figure I'll wear it until it looks terrible, then make a pattern and make another one.  (But just one.  Not five).

If there is one thing I've learned from the Great Style Upheaval of 2018 is that I should wear the things I love as much as I want, because chance are, by the time it wears out, I'll be ready for something else anyway.  Or I'll be able to find a comparable replacement.  And one of a thing is usually enough.

My beloved heavy weight cream wool cardigan was itself a replacement for a different cream cardigan that I shrank out of (and didn't fit my style any longer).

This spring, I gave myself permission to experiment with my clothes--buy thrifted items to try out different things, see what stuck.  I refashioned some makes to see if I liked them better.  Some things worked, others didn't.  Some styles stuck, others didn't.  I realized some pieces I've been wearing for a couple of years are too big and look sloppy on me now.

I've worn this outfit a fair bit this summer.  I think we can all agree that I'm rubbish at drawing shoes.

My summer rotation is more or less set at this point (and I'm mostly happy with it) so I've started looking at my fall and winter rotations, which previously were Dottie Angel frock-heavy.  And I'm just not into those dresses right now.  Or dresses in general. I like having one or two, but that's about it.  Everything else is separates.  Also: my body chemistry is really weird right now and I am borderline cold all the time, even in pretty extreme heat.  (I made a choice to wear 3/4 sleeves this summer in the interests of protecting my skin, and this would have been a burden in previous years, but this year, I can't hardly bear not to have my arms covered, from a temperature comfort perspective).  And we don't have AC.  And it has been 100+ degrees for more than two weeks now.

I pulled out Gertie's croquis book (My Body Model has got me thinking about sketching my clothes but I don't want to pay $20 for the sketch right now when I already have a book of body-positive croquis that I can make work for me).  I've been going through my fabric stash, considering patterns, etc. I keep turning over in my mind the question: what is enough?  Funnily enough, a maker blog I read posted about this very question yesterday.  She linked to another blog that fleshed out the discussion a bit more for me and gave me more to ponder.

I no longer make as I used to.  Some of it is that I'm to the point with my clothes that my needs are less--when I was nursing and trying to build a vintage wardrobe, I was more or less building my closet from the ground up.  After three babies (I started with vintage after Birdie was born), I had almost no clothes that weren't maternity or worn out beyond wearing.

My shape has changed a lot over the past six and a half years, which meant some makes didn't work out over time.  I'm down 30 pounds, but still would like to lose 15 more.  My shape isn't going to change that dramatically, however, if I do, so I can make some decisions going forward about what shapes work and what doesn't. 

I didn't always choose great fabrics or things that suited my complexion or figure well.  Some stuff just didn't fit very well because I was still learning.  I started out with a small fabric stash that was largely inherited from my grandmother, full of odd cuts, high-synthetic fiber contents, and generally not things I would necessarily choose for myself.  But I tried to use those pieces, to honor her memory, as well as give me something free to play with while I was learning how to make for myself.  It was useful.  It also took me some time and trial and error to figure out what fabrics and silhouettes I did like and wanted to wear.  (I'm still working on this one).

Over time, I've moved away from strict vintage, into...something else.  I don't really know how to describe my style the past two or three years.  Vintage-inspired printy-utilitarian, I guess.  It suited me well for the time.  I needed something that didn't constrict my middle, but still had a flattering shape to it and covered my upper arms and knees.  Something easy to layer up or down, easy to sew and care for.  But that style doesn't feel like me anymore. 

I also started participating in the Project 333 challenge three years ago, as it suited my utilitarianism well, and my need to have less in my house and closet.  Too much "stuff" overwhelms me, especially in our small house.  There are six people living in this house, no real closets in bedrooms, and an unfinished partial basement; a decent portion of the house is vertical space.  Everything in here has to have a place to be and why.

I shelved this refashion for another year.

So here's what I'm thinking about as I'm putting together plans for fall and winter and going forward.  Do I need it? (Do I have enough?) Do I need to make it, even if I already have the material?  My original plan for winter included making some skirts from stashed fabrics, but when I counted up how many winter skirts I have already plus the ones I was planning, it added up to 9.  Nine!Skirts!  I don't need that many skirts in any rotation.  I only have one body, and can only wear one skirt per day.  And I don't need to wash my winter skirts and tops nearly as often as my summer clothes.

Am I sewing for the body I have, instead of the body I'm wishing or hoping for?  I have some fabrics I've been "saving" for when I finally lose those last 15 pounds.  That is silly.  On the other hand, I don't want to make things just for the sake of using up fabric in my bin.  That isn't any better than mindless shopping or fast fashion when it comes right down to it.  Am I sewing for my stage of life?  I'm no longer pregnant or nursing on the regular, and my shape isn't going through dramatic changes every few months, but I do have some health challenges that make certain styles difficult to wear regularly.  And I'm older--some styles feel too "young" to me now, but I have to be careful about veering off into Frumpy Town because of my proportions. I don't care to wear skirts with a fitted waistband anymore, because they hurt me by the end of the day.  The Everyday Skirt has been wonderful in this regard--it feels good at the beginning and end of the day.  I also like pencil skirts and want to experiment with making one with a faced waist instead of my usual 1" band. 

I'm going ahead with this refashioned skirt because it goes with my palette so well.

Can I reuse/refashion/repurpose old makes?  If not, what can I do with them that is responsible?About that.  I know lots of people will say, just donate them!  (We're all so busy Marie Kondo'ing our lives, but I think about what happens to all the stuff that doesn't spark joy--where does it go?  And ca it really be reused/reloved?  I don't know).  And I do donate to Goodwill or consign with ThredUp.  I sometimes fantasize about someone finding my makes at a Goodwill and being delighted with them.  But I know, realistically speaking, most of that fiber will get thrown out or recycled.  But I can't keep stuff I'm not wearing.  We just don't have room.  It is a hard balance to hold in my mind.

Sometimes I recycle the fabric because the garment is too worn under the arms or the fabric has pilled or faded or whatever.  (And yes, I do see the irony of a fast fashion company recycling clothing).  Frankly, none of these options is great, because it is hard to recycle fabric, and most donated clothing is ultimately thrown out because fast fashion has over-saturated the market and not enough people need or want to buy second hand.  The truth is that most of us own too much and keep buying more.  There's just too much stuff--too much buying and selling.  I'm as guilty as the next person.  I like shiny new things as much as anyone.  And making new things doesn't really change that cycle, since a lot of fabric itself is made in ways that are hard on the environment, and often goes to waste.  Our clothing styles are not efficient uses of fabric for home sewists.  (Compared to say, the 18th century, where clothing was designed to use as much of the fabric length and width as possible, given how expensive fabric was).

I try to thrift as much as I can in ready-to-wear and shoes, because it seems like the least bad option, but sometimes thrifted finds don't last as long (for obvious reasons).  I don't like visible mending (it doesn't go with my aesthetic, although I admire it on other people), so I'm working on my mending skills to keep the pieces I love looking nice longer.

Perhaps instead of talking about ourselves as responsible consumers, we could start thinking of ourselves as just responsible.  I don't like thinking of myself as merely the sum total of my desires. 

Where I've more or less landed with my fall and winter is 3 dresses, 5-6 skirts (in the fall, these are different weights to account for the massive temperature shift), 10 tops in different weights and sleeve lengths, and 6 or so cardigans in differing weights/lengths.  There's a bit more cross over between the seasons, which I've not done too much of previously.

I'm being ruthless about sweaters--a lot of sweaters hit me at a very unflattering point on my body because I'm short waisted.  I feel frumpy in that length (anything boxy between 24-26" is generally Bad News Bears on me) so it doesn't matter how much I like it in theory, I'm going to feel bad wearing it.  I'm also focusing on making accessories like scarves and cowls instead of full sweaters because I don't need any more right now.  I'm a process knitter, so I need projects, but smaller projects that fit my rotation are a better use of time and stashed yarn than a sweater that may or may not fit, will take a long time to complete and I might not like at the end.  (And really don't need in any case).  I scrapped plans for a pullover that was entirely conceived to use up yarn rather than out of a need.  I can respect my need to knit and make with things that will be more useful.  The yarn can be used on something else later.  It felt good to make that decision, to come to it organically.

Ditto for a couple of skirts I had thought to make.  One was from some long-stashed fabric and the other was a refashion of a dress that I like the fabric but don't want to wear as a dress any more.  A third is actually cut out, but I'll probably put it in the bin because I don't have much that goes with it, and I don't like creating closet orphans.  I'll save all the projects for when some of my current fall/winter skirts need replacing.

Whew, that was a lot to say about very little.  Go have a chocolate and coffee!

A little bit o' happy

I've had two videos forwarded to me in the past week that were so joyful and happy that I have to share them.  Both were a boost in days that seriously needed them.

The first is James Corden's Carpool Karaoke with Paul McCartney.  I'm a fan of the carpool bit myself, but this one is above and beyond.  Seriously.  Even if you don't like Corden, just watch it.  It is so much happy.



The second is a lip sync battle from the Norfolk VA Police Department, who win top prize if you ask me (I recently discovered the lip sync battle show in YouTube and it is most excellent).

The social media post to explain it goes like this:

YOUR WAIT IS OVER!!!! The Norfolk Police Department was challenged by the Corinth Police Department, Texas to a #lipsync battle and we gladly accepted. As you can see we all had a great time filming the video, which we have to point out was done in #onetake! #NorfolkPD is challenging Seattle Police Department, Norfolk Constabulary, Virginia Beach Police Department, and Saint Louis Metropolitan Police Department.

Thanks for watching!!!!

It'll be the happiest four minutes of your day, I promise.

Yarn Along: July

~knitting~

I have some finished (or nearly) objects to show this month!  (Plus in progress pieces, of course!)

First is the Triangle Cowl.  It is basically a long moss-stitch rectangle, but I have to seam the ends to make the triangle, add buttons and weave in the ends.  Oh, and block it.  But the knitting part is finished.  It is the Peacoat colorway in Lark from Quince and Co. and very dark blue, hence the slightly blown out photo.  It was a pretty mindless knit (the best kind right now!)

I started another Hitchhiker scarf.  I had this great sock yarn in a different colorway from my first Hitchhiker (I gave that one to a friend, by the way) and decided to make another.  It is the perfect traveling project, being small and easy to read.  I'm hoping to finish it by the fall so I can wear it with a navy blue knit dress I have planned, plus a few other things in my fall rotation that should go well with it.  The colors are very saturated (my favorite shades are all included!) and it is much prettier in person.

Next, my Gemini.  I almost frogged it earlier this spring, because I have been working on this sweater for...wait for it...four summers now.  Yikes!  It is a particularly fussy knit, given the fine gauge, the linen yarn, and the lace panel down the back.  All the things.  But when I pulled it out to assess it, I realized I was much further along in the sweater than I remembered (it seemed to take ages to get to the part where I could put sleeves on waste yarn!) and now I think I just need to soldier on with it.  

The color is a very deep saturated coral that is hard to photograph.  It is Sparrow yarn in Hibiscus from Quince and Co.  I'm making an effort to work on it more consistently.  I'm in the waist increases (finally!) and can see the finish line on the body of it.  I'm hopeful that the sleeves will go quickly since there is no lace chart to keep track of on them.  I do like that the button bands are knit all in one, but it does make for a LOT of row counting and pattern following and generally not being able to focus on much else while I'm working on this sweater (hence the four summers thing).  It is also a lot of stitches since it is done all in one, so one row can take quite a bit to get through.

I'm pretty pleased with the lace panel at this point.

And I finished and blocked the sleeves for my Major John Andre Rivel cardigan.  I have to seam the whole sweater now and do the bands, but I'm not super motivated to do it in this heat.  I won't be wearing it until much later in the fall anyway, so I figure there is plenty of time then to do it.  It is probably 2-3 afternoons or evenings of work.  I also know that I lose interest in the linen cardigan the minute the weather changes, so I'm trying to keep focused on the Gemini.

~reading~

I finished the three books below.  The first, you will remember, I've been plugging away at since November or so.  I started Lila this spring and I raced through Quiet in the space of a few days.  I also read Emily Bleeker's After I'm Gone (it's okay, not spectacular; definitely a Gillian Flynn style beach read).  Quiet is a book I think most people should read, because even if you are an extrovert, chances are that someone you love is introverted, and this book is eye opening about both.  I am quite introverted (I've known this for years) but I still learned some new things.  I'm also highly reactive/highly sensitive (also knew this) but I didn't understand how that interacted with introversion until I read this book.  So my reaction to the stress in my life and the general rhythm of my day makes a lot more sense to me.  (I also understand why some of my early jobs were complete disasters for me, temperamentally speaking).

I'm currently working on Jason Matthewe's final installment of the Red Sparrow Triology, The Kremlin's Candidate.  It is very good, as were the first two books (shame about the film version, though).

I'm also poking through Prayer and Temperament.  It is kind of slow going, but interesting.  I'm hoping to start Kristen Lavransdatter soonish.  It's been on my to-read shelf for ages.

I also have these two books queued up, and am hoping to get to them soon.

~sewing~

Another Everyday skirt:

I used Kaufman's Brussels linen, which is a rayon/linen mix, and I really like it for bottom weights.  The drape is quite nice and it handles well while sewing.

I actually made this as a replacement for another skirt I made in the late spring out of the same fabric, but I will discuss that skirt in a blog post later this month.  Suffice to say: I'm much happier with this version and have worn it quite a bit already.

Big ol' center box pleat.  I really like the effect on this pattern and will continue to use it.  It is so much more flattering on my figure than the pleats or gathers.

I also thrifted a yellow stripey shirt from ThredUp that goes pretty well with it (but photographs like rubbish).  Is it just me, or is it hard to find things to go with a red skirt?  I love red but have a hard time paring it with other things without looking like a flag or a ladybug.

I would also like to point out that J.Crew's shirt block is made with VERY long arms in mind.  Almost all of their knit 3/4 sleeve shirts hit me at bracelet length or even full length.  I realize I have short arms, but really, J.Crew?

~watching~

I started The Path and it is SO good!  I am having lots of Big Thoughts about it, and the storylines are so interesting.  I also am finally about 1/2 way through season five of The Americans.  (If you are a fan of the show and have already seen season six, zip it.  I want to discuss after I'm caught up).  I put season four of TURN on hold, because I just wasn't that interested in it after watching the first episode.  My favorite character is gone, and I'm still in mourning.  

I also keep forgetting to mention that the Starz remake of Howard's End is excellent.  Go watch it!  I love Matthew McFayden and Haley Atwell together (I believe this is their third or fourth movie together).  Also: did you know he is 6'3"?  I had no idea!  Some actors "read" tall on screen; others don't.  He doesn't especially read tall.  (Either that or he is consistently paired with other actors who are themselves tall, so the height difference doesn't stand out)  I also didn't realize he was married to Keely Hawkes, which I find funny for some reason.

I finished the final season of Sherlock and liked it well enough.  Good acting, storyline interesting, but I felt a teeny tiny bit manipulated this season.  (Also, for the trivia fans, did you know that Martin Freeman's long time partner is the actress who played Mary Watson on the show?  They apparently separated sometime during or shortly after this season was filmed, sadness).

I got around to watching Love, Rosie earlier this week and enjoyed it more than I thought I would.  The trailer for the movie is very different from the actual film plot, so I put it off, thinking it was a different sort of film than it was.  I would have watched it sooner if I'd known.

I skimmed through Ibiza (mostly just to see the scenes with Richard Madden) and it was a big Meh.  He was good, the film was not.

The Death of Stalin, Early Man, and Wonder Wheel are all on my watchlist.

I am looking forward to season two of The Hollow Crown as well.  

~listening~

I'm back at The Last Ship by Sting.  I always get story ideas when I listen to that album.  He says he has two types of fans: those who love The Last Ship and The Soul Cages (which covers similar material), and those who don't.  I'm definitely in the former category (plus I like all his other stuff too; he's such an interesting musician).  The High Kings, Home Free, Peter Hollens, and Hank Williams also continue to be regulars on the CD player in the car.

 Linking with Ginny for Yarn Along!

Talking Tuesday: Cheating Death

A few weeks ago, I read a New York Times review of Barbara Ehrenreich's latest book, Natural Causes, in which the author of Nikeled and Dimed takes on the medical industrial complex.  She notes that Americans have a peculiar obsession with avoiding death, and her book aims to address death head on.  The review went on to note that at the heart of the medicalization of the approach to the body is an attempt to control our physical selves.  Ehrenreich asks us to relinquish that control, to acknowledge that, in the end, we really have no control over our bodies, and ultimately, our deaths.  It comes for us all.

I say this not to be morbid, but rather to point out that Ehrenreich is right.  We don't have the control that we think we do.  Not over our bodies, not over our lives.  There is so much illusion of control, given to us by technology and medical advances that it can be easy to forget the mortal coil.  I also think it is easy to forget how fragile life is, and how most of humanity has lived close to the line for most of human history.  All medical technology has done is to provide a tiny buffer between us and the veil.  A few more cosmic minutes.  Death still waits at the end of the line. 

As someone with a fair share of medical issues, and with children who are alive because of extensive medical intervention, I don't say this lightly.  Would I rather be visiting the grave of my daughter these past six and a half years, or raising her?  The latter, obviously.  I've buried one child already; that was enough. 

So I'm not anti-medical intervention.  But I do want to think a bit more about keeping death in my front view and to really consider what is necessary.  "Keep your mind in hell and despair not," to quote the saint.  (I have also been burned by many medical professionals who are too busy to take my "womanly" concerns seriously, or just don't have the answers I seek about how to take care of my body the best I can).  That is what being healthy is, when it comes right down to it: being a good steward of the body that God has given me.  I can't stop what will happen in the end, can't delay it, because my days are numbered in God's Great Book of Days.  But I can take care of the time I have been given in the best way I can. 

I turn 39 in a few weeks (I know, hardly the end of the road, so to speak), and I'm looking a bit older these days.  On the one hand, I never wanted to be the person who couldn't stand the visible signs of aging.  I didn't mind when a few gray hairs showed up in my late teens, and wasn't too bothered when the backs of my hands started to look wrinkled and crepey.  I thought it funny having "old age" eyes as a kid, but now that I'm squinting at fine print and glasses are not optional, it seems less humorous.  As fewer things in my body continue to work they way they are "supposed" to, the more I think about what it is to be healthy.  What it is to get older in this body and not fetishize youth.

The last few years have been (and continue to be) tremendously confusing for me on an ontological level.  There are many reasons for this, but I've tried very hard to figure it out, to get to the other side of it.  But I can't.  And perhaps that is what it is: it is just life.  It's hard, you live it, and then you die.  The end. 

I don't have answers, but this is what I do know.  I can't slow down the clock or turn it back.  I can live with the choices I've made that have brought me thus far, and try to make good (or better) ones going forward.  I can try to make better food choices (I suspect this will be a lifelong struggle). I can accept the limitations of my body and my self.  I can remind myself that it is not a moral failing to sit down in the middle of the day for a bit and do nothing worthwhile.  That most things don't turn out the way I hoped or expected.  Sometimes they turn out better and sometimes they turn out worse.  That's just life.  I can seek spiritual solutions to the things that ail me.  Soul treatment is infinitely harder than body treatment, I find. 

Mostly, I think, I just need to learn to live with the confusion.  Because that's life.

Quick-Like

Sorry to torture you with my mug again, but there it is.  I even have a "blogger-y" type pose today: hand on hip!  (I generally dislike the chicken-wing pose, but this was literally the only one that turned out out of about seven shots).  

So, the Liberty #5 dress has had some changes.  I added 3/4 dropped sleeves using the Carson dress pattern piece, and took out all the shaping in the middle and added a belt to cinch it all in.  I think I could probably stand to add the front shaping back in, as the belt doesn't quite keep everything in place, and I don't actually love this dress entirely, but it will do for now.

What I like: the dropped sleeve is very comfortable and looks pretty decent.  I like it better than a set -in sleeve for range of motion and comfort.  It is an easy change to my Simplicity 1080.

What I don't like: that the dress moves around a lot around the belt and needs constant adjustment.  I could try and add a cinch around the middle to help, but I'm not sure that would work.  When I did the original sleeve adjustment, the whole dress looked very odd until I added the belt.  I think it was too much of a block of one color or something.  But maybe a little line of elastic around the middle would do it.

In short: it's okay.  I don't understand my dress aversion right now.  I don't know if it is a silhouette thing, or what.  I thrifted a camisole-style dress from ThredUp that I liked a lot in terms of silhouette, but it was just a bit tight on me, and I wasn't comfortable in it so I returned it.  But mostly, I'm reaching for my separates in the morning.  I like a fitted top with my Everyday skirts, although my two white linen blouses are getting heavy play as well.

I do think part of the problem is that I'm between sizes, especially on top.  I'm a medium in a lot of sizes right now, but not all mediums are created equal because slopers vary from company to company, so sometimes a medium is a bit snug but a large looks (and feels) too big.  It's a conundrum.  I thrift almost all my ready-to-wear clothing, so I'm pretty familiar with how a handful of brands fit me, and seek those out, but it can be a shot in the dark sometimes.  I have had a fair share of misses lately.  

I've kind of been on a fabric rescue mission this month, and I think I should just stop trying to make old makes work for me right now, since they are so dress-heavy and some of them don't even fit me.  My fabric bin is far from overflowing and the fabric can also be used for the girls or repurposed at a later date when things feel more settled.  I just need to put my hands in the air and walk away.

I discovered my chambray skirt from last fall is too big on me.  I'm kind of questioning whether all my Everyday skirts are too big, to be honest.  I'm hesitant to cut the pattern down to a small and I hate tracing patterns off.  

The chambray is definitely too big, though.  I don't know whether snugging the elastics would fix it, but I suppose I could give it a go.  I took my revamped Blue Forest dress and made it into a blouse.  I wore it a couple times as a dress and realized I felt like I was wearing pajamas all day (and not in a good way).  The gold leaves almost exactly match my marigold linen skirt from last fall and looked well together, so I cut a curved hem and finished it with bias from the old hem.  I think I like it!  I'm saving it for fall though.

In short, I'm a bit at loose ends still.  Why are clothes so hard?

Talking Tuesday: Show Me Your Hindquarters, Let Me Hear You Roar (part 2)

Back to Irrational Season today.  I wanted to finish writing about the chapter I wrote about last week: "Show Me Your Hindquarters, Let Me Hear You Roar."  The line is from a poem L'Engle wrote in the depths of spiritual struggle, feeling the absence of God acutely.  All I can say is: me too, sister.

L'Engle writes:

"I seek for God that he may find me because I have learned, empirically, that this is how it works.  I seek: he finds.  The continual seeking is that expression for the hope for a creator great enough to care for every particular atom and sub-atom of his creation, from the greatest galaxy to the smallest frandolae.  Because of my particular background, I see the coming together of macrocosm and microcosm in the Eucharist, and I call this Creator: God, Father; but no human being has ever called him by his real name, which is great and terrible and unknown, and not to be uttered by mortal man.  If inadvertantly my lips framed the mighty syllables, entire galaxies might explode.

'As I read the Old and New Testaments, I am struck by the awareness therein of our lives being connected with cosmic powers, angels and archangels, heavenly principalities and powers, and the groaning of creation.  It's too radical, too uncontrolled for many of us, so we build churches which are the safest possible places in which to escape God.  We pin him down, far more painfully than he was nailed to the cross, so that he is rational and comprehensible and like us, and even more unreal.

'And that won't do.  That will not get me through death and danger and pain, nor life and freedom and joy.

'There is little evidence for faith in God in the world around me.  Centuries ago a man whose name is unknown to me cried out: "If God were one whit less than he is, he dare not put us in a world that carries so many arguments against him."

'And if I take the stories of the Bible seriously, when God's people turn from him for too long, he withdraws.  He has not answered my knock for a long time, and this is beginning to make me angry.  Why isn't he there when I need him so desperately?  So I write him another

LOVE LETTER

I hate you, God.

Love, Madeleine.

I write my message on water

and at bedtime I tiptoe upstairs

and let it flow under your door.

When I am angry with you

I know that you are there

even if you do not answer my knock

even when your butler opens the door an inch

and flaps his thousand wings in annoyance

at such untoward interruption

and says the master is not at home.

I love you, Madeleine,

Hate, God.

(This is how I treat my friends, he said to one great saint.

No wonder you have so few, Lord, she replied.)

I cannot turn the other cheek

it takes all the strength I have

to keep from hitting back

the soldiers bayonet the baby

the little boys trample the old woman

the gutters are filled with groans

while pleasure-seekers knock each other down

to get their tickets stamped first.

I'm turning in my ticket

and my letter of introduction

you're supposed to do the knocking.

How can I write to you

to tell you that I'm angry

when I've been given the wrong address

and I don't even know your right name?

I take hammer and nails

and tack my message on two cross pieces of wood.

Dear God,

is it too much to ask you

to bother to be?

Just show your hindquarters

and let me hear you roar.

Love,

Madeleine

'I have often been told that when one first turns to God, one is greeting with brilliant Yes answers to prayers.  For a long time, that was true for me.  But then, when he has you hooked, he starts to say No.  This has, indeed, been my experience.  But it has been more a withdrawal, which is so devastating.  The world is difficult enough with God; without him it is a hideous joke" (171-173).

There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone in the world, of feeling the absence of God where previously God seemed closely present.  L'Engle goes on in the chapter to unpack the loneliness of God's absence, about the fallenness of the world, and our place in it, but by the chapter's end by writes that we participate with God by doing the things he has asked of us.  Specifically, in the particularity of the people in front of us every day.  To build one another up, to bear each other's burdens, to give of the work of our hands to help one another without complaint or second thought.  God can turn our brokenness and failures toward his glory if we will let him.  

'Thou also shall light my candle, sings the psalmist.  The Lord my God shall make my darkness to be light.

'To sing this is already to choose sides.

'To look for community instead of cocktail-party relationship is part of choosing sides in this vast, strange battle.  To say "I'm sorry"; to be silent; to say "I love you," "I care."  It is these little things that are going to make the difference.  For God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise, the weak to overthrow the strong.  Out of failure he brings triumph.  Out of the grave he births life" (186-187).

I'm reminded once again of Mr. Beaver in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, upon being asked if Aslan is safe, replies: "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

Quotes:

Madeleine L'Engle, Irrational Season.  NY: Seabury Press, 1977.

C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. NY: HarperCollins, 2005 reprint.

Of Sorbettos and Vineyards

My sartorial refining continues.

I got it in my head that I wanted another linen skirt, in olive green.  I particularly like the Vineyard Green colorway from fabrics-store.com and so decided to make my skirt from their lightweight linen in that color.  I'm not doing much with dresses this season, so I figured another skirt would give me more options.

I know it doesn't look like much, but I actually love this skirt.  It is a prettier olive in person than it looks on the screen (it has more of a blue cast to it in person) and the hand is just so nice.  Everything about the skirt came together as I wanted it to.

I tried 11" elastics in a wider width, but it was a bit of a struggle to get the skirt on over my hips (although the fit around the waist was good), so I went with my normal 1/2" elastic ties at 12".  That is okay for now.

I also went with the big center box pleat again, as I like the effect and think it looks rather nice on this skirt.  Streamlines the front, where I do not need extra bulk.

I love this blouse too.  I bought it off ebay three summers ago, and it didn't fit me that well at the time.  It is now borderline too big, but I don't care.  It is a beautiful linen blouse and I love wearing it.  I do worry that I'm going to wear it out, because white linen + subtropical heat are not usually happy together, but I guess I can't think about that too much.  I suppose I could always make a pattern from it when it starts to go.

The pockets are a good depth on this skirt too--I keep meaning to mention.  I like that they are just forward of the side seam.  The pattern is well drafted and thought through.

Not much else to say really.

Around the time I was scheming this skirt, I started thinking about different ways to salvage the dresses in my bin.  I don't want to wear them as dresses, and at least one or two are not even wearable as dresses any more, given how hard summer temperatures can be on fabrics, so I wondered about turning one into a top.

Enter the Liberty #3 Sorbetto.  I don't wear tank tops because I don't like my upper arms, and, as I wrote earlier this season, I'm making an effort to keep more of my arms covered for health reasons.  But I have a few light weight cardigans that are very fitted and work well paired with a tank or camisole.  (I almost never do this because I have a hard time finding camisoles that aren't cut below my bra line! but hope springs eternal).  

As I'm still in Kitchen Sink Style mode, I decided to experiment a little.  I downloaded the free Sorbetto pattern from Colette, even though I often have trouble with their slopers. (They draft for a C cup and a fairly wide shoulder, and I'm barely a B with narrow shoulders.  I also don't fit their slopers for the bottom half.  The proportions are always off by a fair bit.  I know you can make small bust adjustments, grade out the hips from the waist, yadda, yadda, but usually I just want something quick and easy, not something I have to practically redraft from scratch).  That said, I was hopeful about the Sorbetto.

The pdf was very fast to put together (14 tiles!).  I chose to cut a size 8, based on the finished measurements and my desired amount of ease.  I probably could have gone down to a 6 for a bit more of a fitted look, but this is fine for now.  The darts are actually in the right place (shocker!) and are the right length (I know, I was surprised too!)  The thing that took the longest was unpicking the whole dress, including bias.  (Although, honestly, because the stitching was loose on the lawn, it was really a matter of getting a long enough thread to pull out huge lines of stitching.  So it wasn't that bad).  (And no, I'm not showing you a photo of the top without the sweater.  I took one and the Internet doesn't need to see that mess).  Just take my word for it.

I cut the Sorbetto out of the bottom half of the dress because the top half was frayed pretty badly around the arms from wearing and heat.  (It has had two seasons hard wearing, after all).  I repaired the dress last summer but it was discolored and thin there, so I wanted to use the best of the fabric I could.  I also reused all the bias tape from the dress, which was another win.  The arm holes are slightly larger than the original dress sleeves, but the bottom hem is smaller, so I used the leftover hem piece to add length to the sleeve tapes.  It was a pretty fast project, once I started sewing.  I think I cut and sewed the whole thing in under an hour.

It looks pretty good with the olive skirt too!  I still have the teal-y cardigan that I wore with the original dress, and like the two things together, but that cardigan doesn't look good with a skirt.  It is too long, and also getting to be too big on me.  So there's that.  But the yellow one is fine.  I found a raspberry colored one on ThredUp that I think will work too.

I'm slowly settling into a summer uniform: 3/4 sleeve top with an Everyday skirt mostly.  Sometimes a denim pencil skirt for variety.  The tops are a mix of wovens and knits, and I'm hoping to mix in some more tanks+cardigan combos too.  My little rack of four dresses is about right this year.  I have one (unblogged) skirt I'm ambivalent about, but I like the color a lot, so I keep wearing it.  I'll write more about it next month when I can talk about the pattern.