Upstairs, Downstairs

Neil Simon's play Barefoot in the Park (adapted for the screen in 1967 and starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford), has a running gag about the stairs in a 5th floor walk-up in New York City. The characters interact with the stairs in various ways throughout the play and film; in a way, the stairs become a silent character in the unfolding story of newly-weds Paul and Corie Bratter.

I realized recently that my life is dominated by stairs.  Our house has a total of 47 stairs in it, and that fact defines our life here.  We do nothing in the house without climbing at least a few stairs.  There are four stairs from the sidewalk into the front door, and then the first flight up to the bathroom is about 12 steps (plus one step to get into the bathroom).  Another five or so steps to the second floor where my office, the prayer room, and the boys' room are situated, then 10 steps to the 3rd floor bathroom (plus one step into the bathroom).  Finally, another 8 or so steps up to the 3rd floor where our bedroom and the nursery are located.  Oh, plus 11 steps to the basement from the living room on the first floor.  So a lot of steps to get around the house.  I live in fear of having a broken leg or a major abdominal surgery that precludes any serious stair climbing (I had a stress fracture in my foot this past spring that was bad enough).

Having so many stairs leads to some bizarre behavior.  In this part of the country, houses were built with narrow winding staircases, so most queen box springs won't fit up them.  There is a niche market here for split queen box springs.  We actually have a king-size bed, so getting the two twin box springs up the stairs was okay, but the mattress had to be folded in half like a taco to make the corners and stay under the low ceilings.  We had to hoist two wooden wardrobes up the outside of the house on rubber straps up to the third floor because they couldn't make the corner at the top of the first floor landing.  (That was quite an ordeal--it is common to hire a crane to lift furniture up to the roof and then drop it down the backside to whatever level you need it.  We found some guys who did it with an assisted hoist up the back wall and over to the third floor landing and all I can say is that I'm glad I was at a meeting while they were doing it--my mother said it was terrifying to watch).  The dresser in our bedroom barely made it around the corners.  Those wardrobes will probably be staying with the house, should we ever decide to sell it.  The odd closet situation in the house means that winter coats are stored on the 2nd floor and extra shoes in the basement.  We have a vestibule with coat hooks and a shoe rack for storing in-use seasonal items and a few pairs of shoes per person, but the overflow has no where to go on the first floor.

 We have a complicated system of baby gates to prevent the youngest members of the family from trying out stair-climbing before they are ready and supervised.  Because it is a LOOOONG way down if they fall.  My other perennial fear related to stairs is of falling down them.  I have a mild phobia of heights, and honestly, three floors up is my limit.  We looked at houses with four or even six flights up, and I got a bit sick just above the third floor.  The stairs and gates also make it a bit tricky to figure out the best place to put the children at times.  Mostly they play in the living room, but sometimes it is better to separate the boys and put one in their bedroom (on the 2nd floor) and one in the living room (on the 1st floor).  It is hard to know where to be at those times because both areas need a bit of adult supervision even though they are child-proofed.  So I end up splitting the difference and sitting in my office (on the 2nd floor in the front of the house) and running up and down between the living room and 2nd floor as needed.  Or I'm trying to make dinner in the kitchen and listening for any odd noises from the boys' room above me and hoping that nothing terribly destructive is going on.  (I know these years when they require more or less constant supervision are fleeting and that someday very soon, many of these concerns will be non-issues, but for now, it is a conversation I must have with myself all day long).

Please sir, won't you let me out?

We own two hand vacs because I don't like trekking the kitchen one up to the 3rd floor bathroom and back down again on a regular basis.  (As an aside, if you are in the market for a good hand vac, this model has been fabuloso).  I have a decent upright vacuum that I rescued from our neighbor's curb that is languishing in the basement because of--you guessed it: the stairs.  It is difficult to clean well in a short amount of time and also keep the kids contained and safe with all the stairs.  I end up spending much of my cleaning time running up and down stairs to deal with crises with the kids.

We have a double stroller that I don't love because the model I really wanted would have to be stored in the basement.  Which means hauling it up 11 steps and down another four every time I want to use it.  The model we have can be stored at the top of the basement stairs, which means a tight corner every time I go to do laundry, but at least I'm not hauling 21 pounds of stroller up and down a flight of stairs all the time (and trying to keep the baby from following me down in the process).

I've bought albums on iTunes that I own because I can't bear to walk down 15 steps (and then back up again) to retrieve a CD from the living room.  We consolidate trips up and down by placing items to go up or down the stairs at strategic locations.  Items placed outside the second or third floor bathroom landing are meant to go down.  Items placed on the second step of the third floor stairs are meant to go up.  Anything on the landings in between is open to interpretation.  There is usually a pile of something on the fourth step of the first floor stairs, waiting to go up, and there is almost always something on the third floor bathroom landing waiting to go down.  There have been multiple occasions of dirty laundry going up and clean laundry going down several flights of stairs unnecessarily.  I'd benefit from a dumb waiter, I think, except I'm afraid the boys would use it for joy riding.  We tend to have duplicates of common analgesics because who wants to go up or down more flights of stairs than necessary when there is pain involved?  We have a diaper changing station on each floor--well, for obvious reasons.

It also means that when the doorbell rings, unless I'm in the living room (which isn't usually the case), I'm tearing down several flights of stairs, usually with a baby or toddler on my hip.  My favorite is when the UPS man rings and I'm changing the baby's diaper in the 3rd floor nursery, which is as far from the front door as one can possibly get and still be in the house.  At least the UPS guy is familiar with us and knows to wait a moment before giving up.  The postal service is another bird entirely--they often just drop a notice in the box without ringing the bell at all!  (The mail service in this city is notoriously bad--there are some neighborhoods where people will pay more to mail stuff via the postal service at Mailboxes Etc. instead of dealing with the ridiculousness of the local post office)  But I'm getting off track.

Having four steps to the sidewalk means bumping a stroller backward down four steps, and then bumping it back up again after an outing.  The double stroller is particularly troublesome in this way, being somewhat wide and unwieldy.  (Plus the fact that it weighs over 80 pounds once you put kids into it--I usually load and unload the kids on the sidewalk, but I still have to get the stroller in and out the door and up and down those steps!)  It means wet pants on rainy days for any children who aren't yet confident stair walkers and need to go up one knee at a time.

On the other hand, having so many stairs means the children learn how to climb up and down stairs fairly young, and are confident on the stairs much younger than children in houses with fewer stairs.  My two younger children both climbed up stairs confidently before age one, and the two older ones were going down stairs fairly well by 18 months.  (The baby is just turning one, so I can't say yet how well she will be going down as she just got good at going up).  I also get exercise every day going up and down all those stairs, usually hauling a load of something--laundry, toddler, baby, or sometimes all three!  What can I say?  I have talent.